Steve Jobs' chlamydia device

Who needs an iPad anyway? iDon't

You need the website. But, do you really need the iPad? Does anyone?
Phil Dunphy — the ultimate poser — lusted after the iPad ... Enough said.
The iPad is cool when it's being shown off — but $500 worth of cool?

Click, click, double-click! Indeed, your boy Steve Jobs deserves yet another round of enthusiastic mouse click approvals from you.

Or perhaps hoof clicks, because the sheep have flocked happily to the flashiest technological pasture with nary a second glance.

You see, the Apple iPad hit the palms of frenzied fanboys on April 3rd. And according to the mothership, the iPad had touched exactly one million 9.7-inch-touchscreen-depraved souls as of Friday, April 30th. A mere 28 days later. No, the post-apocalyptic allusions have not been lost on us.

The Jobsinator further expounded, claiming "that's less than half of the 74 days it took to achieve this milestone with iPhone." But who's keeping track, anyway?

If you detect a faint note of haughty disbelief in his voice, you, Lisa Marie Presley, and Michael Jackson are certainly not alone. The iPhone was a revolutionary gadget when we're talkin' mobile communication, and it's still the gold standard that many smartphone manufacturers desperately try to imitate, emulate, but have wholly failed to meaningfully duplicate. Not to mention that it wrangled the desktop web experience that you know and love, and stuffed it into your itty bitty pocket.

We might be guilty of gratuitous iPhone adoration ourselves, but no one can argue that it isn't for good reason.

The bottom line is that the iPhone served a real, tangible purpose. You'd simply be a foolhardy fathead to deny the utility of a phone doubling as a computing device the size of Sarah Palin's gray matter.

But the iPad? Those waters of necessity are far murkier. If you have a lap-friendly computer and you have an iPhone (or a lesser version of a smartphone, for those of you holdouts), don't you need an iPad like you need chlamydia?

In our opinion, the iPad occupies a very niche area right now. Very, very niche. One that involves passive enjoyment of the web. Exclusively. Read, watch, look, poke, poke, prod, swish, poke.

But the aforementioned gadgetry performs the exact same functions quite well, mind you. So the overlap between smartphone and laptop is as glaring as an untanned bum on a beach in Brazil. Suffice it to say, there doesn't seem to be a real chasm that a gizmo like the iPad must fill.

Blind Devotion

And yet, some technophiles insist maniacally on the efficacy of said iPad. Have we become such a society that demands technology to blanket every little inch of every little crevice of our existence? Do we really need digitalization across the board to address every single, solitary aspect of our Web 2.0-infused lives?

Yes, we know, we know — the iPad's straight ballin' technology, despite the fact that even iPad owners admit that it doesn't do anything that the iPhone and a laptop don't already do. But in the eyes of John-Michael Oswalt, an amateur Apple aficionado, "It's about having the easiest, best experience for everything."

Not to mention that "the touch interface is important to learn." Probably 'cause, like, it's the future and some junk. Point taken. Although we could argue the iPhone already makes use of said technology. We chose not to quibble.

But others don't quite see that as the thrust behind the iPad push. When web designer and developer Brandi Lalanne was asked whether she wanted the full iPad experience, she whipped out her iPhone and quipped, "Nope, I already have one. Thanks." She added to us in confidence, "I can't justify spending my money on something I would simply read comic books with."

All this idle banter begs the question: How many devices are "too many"? And is there even such a thing? The introduction of the iPad marked yet another high-tech widget addition to the theater of worldwide web warfare. So whatever happened to, oh, the sweet simplicity these contraptions were supposed to provide, people?

Chevy El Camino, we sympathize with how you must've felt. Wedged mercilessly in between the Ford family sedan and the Dodge pickup truck, was there ever a place for you? And yet, you managed to put your triumphant stamp on mid-1970s hillbilly cinema, and you did it well.

Oh, 'twas so heroic, how you wiled your way into the fabric of the conservative American backwoods!

But can the dear ol' iPad follow your purpose-straddling lead?

For now, screw committing $500 for the iPad. We'll hang onto our pennies 'til the invention of the steady iDate. And maybe when we're really ready to take the plunge, we'll upgrade to the iMate. You know, something for which there is truly no technological equal. And an ailment of Device Inconvenience for which we will never be treated.

Now that'll be a technological advancement to plug up a Grand Canyon-sized cyber crevasse.

Is there an iPad in your future (or present)? Tell us why or why not. We'll give you a free iPad. Well, that's not the truth. But play along anyway.

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Movie Review

Sheriff Bob Odenkirk is back in over-the-top new action movie 'Normal'

Photo courtesy of Magnolia Pictures

Bob Odenkirk in Normal.

Screenwriter Derek Kolstad, who wrote the first three John Wick movies, has essentially had a blank check to do what he wants in the movie landscape since 2014. In recent years that has meant writing the action series Nobody for Bob Odenkirk, who has turned from a comedian into an unlikely action star in his sixties. Kolstad and Odenkirk are teaming up again in Normal.

A film that tries to evoke Fargo in multiple ways, Normal finds Ulysses Richardson (Odenkirk) serving as a temporary sheriff for the small town of Normal, Minnesota after the previous sheriff died. Knowing he’s just a steward until a new sheriff is elected, Ulysses takes a live-and-let-live approach to the job, letting the deputies (Ryan Allen and Billy MacLellan) do the grunt work and trying to stay out of everyone’s way, including Mayor Kibner (Henry Winkler).

A bank robbery attempt by two non-citizens upsets his best-laid plans in more ways than he can imagine. Not only is he forced to confront a crime not often seen in a town like Normal, but the robbery uncovers secrets that turn the film into an all-out bloodbath. Soon, almost everyone in town becomes involved in what comes to resemble a war, along with — you guessed it — Yakuza henchmen from Japan.

Directed by Ben Wheatley and written by Kolstad, the film is a slight twist on the everyman-turned-hero character Odenkirk played in the two Nobody films. While Ulysses is in law enforcement, he prefers to use words instead of weapons, and it’s only when he’s pushed to the brink that he crosses that line. Naturally, his skills are beyond what anyone would expect of him, allowing him to match up well with people half his age.

The film is not a comedy in the traditional sense, but instead aims for laughs by catching the audience off-guard with its ultraviolence. Some characters are dispatched in shockingly unexpected ways, with one of the only natural reactions to the jarring nature of their deaths being laughter. That’s not necessarily the case for other killings, which range from blasé to sadistic, and the only reason they count as entertainment is because the filmmakers have primed the audience to accept them as such.

After a relatively solid setup, where Wheatley and Kolstad seem to take their time getting to know the main characters, the second half of the film is pure action that dispenses with good storytelling. Like many action movies, there are double crosses, surprise revelations, and more, but the filmmakers don’t seem to care about making sense of any character arcs. All they care about is delivering mayhem, and they succeed on that front.

Odenkirk has perfected the mild-yet-intimidating nature of his action characters, and it is satisfying to see him get the better of those who have done him wrong. He doesn’t run or jump like fellow 63-year-old Tom Cruise, but — with the help of fast-paced editing — he still makes for a credible action hero. The only other actors of any note in the film are Winkler, who’s a nice presence with his sardonic personality, and Lena Headey, whose small role doesn't match up with her experience.

You have to have a certain mindset to enjoy a film like Normal, but if you can abide its over-the-top bloodiness, it’s a serviceable action film. Few would have expected Odenkirk to take on these kinds of roles at this late stage of his career, but he’s making the most of his opportunities.

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Normal opens in theaters on April 17.

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