Steve Jobs' chlamydia device
Who needs an iPad anyway? iDon't
Click, click, double-click! Indeed, your boy Steve Jobs deserves yet another round of enthusiastic mouse click approvals from you.
Or perhaps hoof clicks, because the sheep have flocked happily to the flashiest technological pasture with nary a second glance.
You see, the Apple iPad hit the palms of frenzied fanboys on April 3rd. And according to the mothership, the iPad had touched exactly one million 9.7-inch-touchscreen-depraved souls as of Friday, April 30th. A mere 28 days later. No, the post-apocalyptic allusions have not been lost on us.
The Jobsinator further expounded, claiming "that's less than half of the 74 days it took to achieve this milestone with iPhone." But who's keeping track, anyway?
If you detect a faint note of haughty disbelief in his voice, you, Lisa Marie Presley, and Michael Jackson are certainly not alone. The iPhone was a revolutionary gadget when we're talkin' mobile communication, and it's still the gold standard that many smartphone manufacturers desperately try to imitate, emulate, but have wholly failed to meaningfully duplicate. Not to mention that it wrangled the desktop web experience that you know and love, and stuffed it into your itty bitty pocket.
We might be guilty of gratuitous iPhone adoration ourselves, but no one can argue that it isn't for good reason.
The bottom line is that the iPhone served a real, tangible purpose. You'd simply be a foolhardy fathead to deny the utility of a phone doubling as a computing device the size of Sarah Palin's gray matter.
But the iPad? Those waters of necessity are far murkier. If you have a lap-friendly computer and you have an iPhone (or a lesser version of a smartphone, for those of you holdouts), don't you need an iPad like you need chlamydia?
In our opinion, the iPad occupies a very niche area right now. Very, very niche. One that involves passive enjoyment of the web. Exclusively. Read, watch, look, poke, poke, prod, swish, poke.
But the aforementioned gadgetry performs the exact same functions quite well, mind you. So the overlap between smartphone and laptop is as glaring as an untanned bum on a beach in Brazil. Suffice it to say, there doesn't seem to be a real chasm that a gizmo like the iPad must fill.
And yet, some technophiles insist maniacally on the efficacy of said iPad. Have we become such a society that demands technology to blanket every little inch of every little crevice of our existence? Do we really need digitalization across the board to address every single, solitary aspect of our Web 2.0-infused lives?
Yes, we know, we know — the iPad's straight ballin' technology, despite the fact that even iPad owners admit that it doesn't do anything that the iPhone and a laptop don't already do. But in the eyes of John-Michael Oswalt, an amateur Apple aficionado, "It's about having the easiest, best experience for everything."
Not to mention that "the touch interface is important to learn." Probably 'cause, like, it's the future and some junk. Point taken. Although we could argue the iPhone already makes use of said technology. We chose not to quibble.
But others don't quite see that as the thrust behind the iPad push. When web designer and developer Brandi Lalanne was asked whether she wanted the full iPad experience, she whipped out her iPhone and quipped, "Nope, I already have one. Thanks." She added to us in confidence, "I can't justify spending my money on something I would simply read comic books with."
All this idle banter begs the question: How many devices are "too many"? And is there even such a thing? The introduction of the iPad marked yet another high-tech widget addition to the theater of worldwide web warfare. So whatever happened to, oh, the sweet simplicity these contraptions were supposed to provide, people?
Chevy El Camino, we sympathize with how you must've felt. Wedged mercilessly in between the Ford family sedan and the Dodge pickup truck, was there ever a place for you? And yet, you managed to put your triumphant stamp on mid-1970s hillbilly cinema, and you did it well.
Oh, 'twas so heroic, how you wiled your way into the fabric of the conservative American backwoods!
But can the dear ol' iPad follow your purpose-straddling lead?
For now, screw committing $500 for the iPad. We'll hang onto our pennies 'til the invention of the steady iDate. And maybe when we're really ready to take the plunge, we'll upgrade to the iMate. You know, something for which there is truly no technological equal. And an ailment of Device Inconvenience for which we will never be treated.
Now that'll be a technological advancement to plug up a Grand Canyon-sized cyber crevasse.
Is there an iPad in your future (or present)? Tell us why or why not. We'll give you a free iPad. Well, that's not the truth. But play along anyway.