A vegetarian almost KFC Double Downs

Tempted by the meat of another

To know me is to know that I love animals. Not in a zoophilic way, mind you. But in a their-cause-is-my-cause sort of way. Speaking out for the voiceless and the defenseless. Treating all living creatures equally.

Animals are my friends, and I don't eat my friends. That sort of thing.

Since college, I haven't used products tested on animals, as much as I can avoid it. "Test on a convicted criminal sentenced to Death Row!" was my (somewhat ill-reasoned) battle cry.

Or conduct activities that are far less inhumane than injecting mascara dye into albino bunnies simply to make sure it doesn't cause me to scratch my eyes, at the very least. It can be done, and since it can be done, I support those who do it.

Four years ago, I became a vegetarian. Well, perhaps that's a bit of a generalization, as I'm a bit more carnivorous than the moniker implies. Yes, I still eat fish, so I suppose it can be implied that I don't think they have feelings, too. Whatever. It's easier to call myself a vegetarian, although if you put a gun to my head, I'd have to admit pescetarianism. The point is, the flesh of absolutely 100 percent of the fuzzy animals that have crossed my plate have avoided ending up in the bottom of my tummy since 2006.

Aside from the lustful gazes I get from In-n-Out Burgers, I haven't been so much as tempted to sink my teeth into dead carcass since.

Em. So, yeah, that's a lie.

What I'm about to tell you is admittedly quite repulsive. But I feel obligated to be honest with you, because then I can be honest with myself. And perhaps I can be saved once and for all.

You ready?

I really, really want to eat a KFC Double Down.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

OH, THE HORROR! The shock! The awe! How can I claim to forsake meat when all I want to do is charge my chompers straight into those two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets? Cheese hearts Bacon forever! It's the fried-chicken ménage a trois of the public imagination, no matter what they say! So much meat, no room for the bun! WHY WOULDN'T I WANT IT?

Your repulsion on the Ew-O-Meter has probably registered so high that it has shot through the glass. I can't blame you. Not even meatatarians want to consume these gluttonous abominations, unless the purpose is to arm-wrestle Michelle Obama, that is (which I don't). With all the organic, gated-community-raised, Harvard-educated livestock and poultry out there, how on earth could I possibly fantasize about such an uncouth display of gristle?

I don't know. All I am certain of is that, when I pass KFC on my way home, I think to myself, "Just do it. Just drive on up. Buy one. Eat one. Get it over with. TELL NO ONE. No one will know." 'Cause if a pescetarian eats a Double Down and nobody sees it, did it really happen? I'm banking on the hopes that it didn't.

But every time, I fight it. I fight the temptation with every fiber of my iron-deficient being. I daydream longingly. I fantasize about the tender embrace of cutlet upon cutlet, swaddling cheese and bacon, and how such a decadent succulence will taste upon my tongue. I press my foot more firmly to the pedal. I harden my resolve. And I drive on by.

This time, I'm safe. I made it!

But every night, as I cruise by the blood-red fast-food establishment, I wonder, with a mixture of fascination and dread, "Will tonight be the night that I fall prey to the Meatiest Concoction of Them All?"

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weekend event planner

Here are the 15 best things to do in Houston this weekend

Photo by Quit Nguyen

Josephine's will be serving crawfish at EZ's Liquor Lounge.

This weekend promises to have good times, good music and a helluva lot of crawfish.

Two different crawfish boils will be going down, certain to make any seafood lover go on a head-sucking frenzy. We also have an immersive rock experience courtesy of a legendary music magazine, the grand opening of a new sports bar, the return of a Southern hip-hop trailblazer, the 35mm debut of a recent Oscar winner, and a salute to three guys who often told people they should be dancing.

Thursday, May 15

ARTECHOUSE presents Rolling Stone Presents: AMPLIFIED, The Immersive Rock Experience
Rolling Stone Presents: AMPLIFIED brings the history of rock ‘n roll to life with a dynamic mix of music and visuals. Narrated by actor/musician Kevin Bacon, the show is a guided tour through the story of revolutionary music and the changes it brought. AMPLIFIED draws from rare live performance and behind-the-scenes footage, never-before-seen moments, exclusive portrait sessions, album art, and posters, delivering one of the most comprehensive collections of rock ‘n roll imagery ever assembled. 5 pm.

Alley Theatre presents Primary Trust
Kenneth has lived the same routine every day for the past 15 years. During the day, he goes to work at a bookstore; at night, he goes to a tiki bar with his friend Bert. When the bookstore goes out of business, Kenneth is forced to push past his boundaries and reconcile with his past. Primary Trust is a tender-hearted tale of old friends, new beginnings, and the smallest of chances. Through Sunday, May 25. 7:30 pm (8 pm Friday; 2 and 8 pm Saturday; 2 and 7 pm Sunday).

Improv Houston presents Melissa Villaseñor
Melissa Villaseñor spent six seasons as a cast member on Saturday Night Live, where she impersonated everyone from Bjork to Natalie Portman to Owen Wilson to fellow ex-SNLer Kristen Wiig. She’s also done extensive voiceover acting on Fox’s Family Guy, Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time, and Comedy Central’s Triptank. Catch her doing her standup thing at Improv Houston this weekend. 7:30 pm (7:30 and 9:45 pm Friday; 7 and 9:30 pm Saturday).

Friday, May 16

La Cabra Grand Opening Weekend
La Cabra, Houston’s newest destination for sports fans, will officially open with a two-night, grand opening celebration. Founded by former MasterChef contestant Joseph Manglicmot, La Cabra is a soccer-focused sports bar. The opening will feature a lineup of local food vendors, including Lafitte’s Seafood serving up fresh crawfish, Ceviche El Guero offering ceviche specials, and Pascual’s Tacos. Attendees can also enjoy hourly giveaways and music by DJ Maniville. 5 pm.

The Heritage Society presents Juneteenth Legacy Project with Sam Collins
The Heritage Society's Juneteenth Celebration kicks off with subject matter expert Sam Collins. Teaming with Sue Johnson of the Nia Cultural Center in Galveston, he and others have established the Juneteenth Legacy Project. Collins has also been involved in Juneteeth celebrations in both Galveston and Hitchcock, and other historic preservation efforts in Galveston County. Tickets include a wine and cheese reception with a pop-up exhibit by Houston Suffragists Project. 6 pm.

The Museum of Fine Arts, Houston presents Anora
Anora (Oscar winner Mikey Madison), a young woman from Brooklyn, gets her chance at a Cinderella story when she meets and impulsively marries the son of a Russian oligarch. Once the news reaches Russia, her fairytale is threatened as her new husband’s parents set out for New York to get the marriage annulled. Showing at MFAH this weekend (in glorious 35mm!), see why Anora earned the Palme d’Or at Cannes and continued to triumph through the awards season, culminating in five Academy Awards, including Best Picture. 7 pm (5 pm Sunday).

Houston Symphony presents "Stayin’ Alive: The Bee Gees & Beyond"
Yes, brothers Barry, Robin, and Maurice Gibb were the high-pitched kings of disco back in the day. But you can’t deny these guys made some timeless bops. (It’s certainly fun watching young YouTubers discover their music.) The Houston Symphony will celebrate the best of the Bee Gees, and beyond. A cappella sensation Rajaton brings their smooth harmonies to the songs that lit up the disco era in the high-energy concert, led by principal Pops conductor Steven Reineke. 7:30 pm (2 pm Sunday)

Saturday, May 17

Johnnie Means Academy Fourth Annual International Water Safety Day Festival
While the Houston Swim Club will host a Water Safety Day fest in Sugar Land, Johnnie Means Aquatics will have its 4th Annual International Water Safety Day Festival at Texas Southern University’s Recreation Center. Guests can expect hands-on experiences around drowning prevention, beginner swim techniques, and lifeguard safety training. Participants will hear from water safety advocates, survivors, and professionals sharing their insights and experiences. 10 am.

Saint Julian’s Social Club presents Spring Renaissance Festival
The circus-themed pop-up bar is teaming up with Midtown bar Winnie’s for a one-of-a-kind Renaissance Faire. The all-day, family-friendly event features axe throwing, a dunk tank, jousting, magic, face painting, juggling, tarot, and short form Dungeons and Dragons. Since it wouldn’t be a festival without food, look for Hot Cheeto fried pickles, lamb meatball sliders, smoked andouille corndog bites, and the “I Smoked At Turkey Leg Hut” — a house smoked turkey leg glazed in spicy barbecue sauce. 12 pm.

Project Row Houses present Crawfish and Brews
Crawfish and Brews is back, ladies and gents. Now in its 11th year, Crawfish and Brews brings the community together for music, crawfish, and fun. The event is once again partnering with Project Row Houses, an organization that has been a champion for Houston art and culture. While you get your mudbug on, you can also tour the row houses. Currently on view is Round 58: Free Someone, which celebrates Houston artists who have overcome adversity to become renowned for their artwork in public places, using the city’s landscape as their canvas. 2 pm.

Silver Street Studios presents "Visual Symphony: The Salon Revisited" opening reception
Silver Street Studios will present "Visual Symphony: The Salon Revisited," a showcase of contemporary art that invites visitors to immerse themselves in a rich tapestry of creativity, talent, and innovation. The exhibition, inspired by the grand salon traditions of 17th and 18th-century France, reimagines the classic format to celebrate the diversity of artistic voices within our vibrant community. Through Saturday, June 21. 5 pm.

Camo Fest: Master P and Friends
Who wants to go back to the late ‘90s? If you miss those days, you should check out the Camo Fest, which features throwback rap from New Orleans rap king Master P and several of his former No Limit soldiers (MIa X, Choppa, Fiend, Mac, and Mercedes). Other parts of the Dirty South will also be represented: 8Ball & MJG from Memphis, Young Dro from Atlanta, Webbie from Baton Rouge, and Lil Keke from right here in H-Town. 7 pm.

Sunday, May 18

EZ’s Liquor Lounge x Josephine’s Gulf Coast Tradition Crawfish Boil
EZ’s Liquor Lounge and Josephine’s will be hosting a crawfish boil this weekend at the Heights neighborhood bar. Crawfish will be $9 per pound, while sausage links will be $5 and potatoes, corn and mushrooms will be $4 each. And there will also be plenty of wet sauce to go around. 1 pm.

Emissary Quartet and Nicky Sohn in concert
Emissary Quartet presents a special concert featuring the world premiere of a new work by composer Nicky Sohn. This piece is part of [moment]um, the quartet’s upcoming album, set to release later in 2025. The event showcases the quartet’s innovative approach to flute ensemble music, blending contemporary artistry with dynamic programming. Alongside Sohn’s premiere, EQ will perform selections from [moment]um. 6 pm.

The Manns in concert
Some of you may know Fort Worth’s own David & Tamela Mann, aka The Manns, as the stars of Meet the Browns, Tyler Perry’s hit play that eventually became a movie that also was spun off into a sitcom. But the pair are also very acclaimed gospel singers. This weekend, they’ll be coming to Sugar Land in support of their 2024 album, Live, Breathe, Fight. They'll be joined by Karen Clark Sheard, Erica Campbell, Tye Tribbett, and Kierra Sheard. 8 pm.

Photo by Quit Nguyen

Josephine's will be serving crawfish at EZ's Liquor Lounge.

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