(He picks blonde one)
Spoiler Alert! The scripts for future Bachelor shows are already out: ReadAshley Hebert's future
ABC's The Bachelor has become arguably the most predictable show on reality television. You can practically smell the (stinky) cheese, and with Reality Steve and/or a modest dose of social aptitude, viewers can usually tell how it's going to end long before the final rose has fallen.
It doesn't help that I'm not the biggest fan of the show, what with its pathetic success rate as far as the engaged couples sticking together, so we'll skip a discussion of the latest finale (Brad Womack picks Emily; Ashley Hebert ends up being the new Bachelorette) for this much-easier template coverage:
"Last night's finale of Season (insert number) of The Bachelor brought heartbreak for the (insert adjective) (insert occupation) (select classic name, misspelled for effect) and elation for winner (insert name).
(Insert overtly masculine name) met each of his loves on a (select: sunset beach/rugged cliff/candelit cove), and though he had palpable chemistry with both women after six weeks of whirlwind courtship, brought (insert name) to tears in favor of the more (adventurous/stable/thrilling/familiar) (insert name).
(Insert name) proposed with a (insert cut) (insert precious metal) and (insert gemstone) ring by (select celebrity jeweler), valued at (select enormous figure implied to have come from contestant's checking account, even though it was obviously paid for by ABC/the devil).
Her cries of "YES! Of course, yes!" were nearly drowned out by the (drown of the surf/squeals of one of the contestant's young children/make-out noises).
Tune in to After the Final Rose to see if the couple is (inevitably not) still together."
Feel free to use this template for all future editions of The Bachelor franchise.
Editor's note: Are you a bigger Bachelor fan than Caroline? Check out KTRK Ch. 13's photo gallery of the show's finale.