Observations & ruminations

Golden Globes rundown: Ricky Gervais' snarkiest lines, best penis jokes & oh,yes, the winners — Clooney, Streep & Madonna

Ricky Gervais lived up to his billing
Handout Photo/Getty Images North America
George Clooney won Best Actor in a Drama for his role in The Descendents
Handout Photo/Getty Images North America
Jane Fonda wins my award for "The Most Smokin' Hot MILF."
Handout Photo/Getty Images North America
The Artist won Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical

In the wake of watching Sunday’s telecast of the 69^th annual Golden Globe Awards on NBC, some random observations and ruminations:

AS NASTY AS HE WANTED TO BE: Didn’t look or sound like Ricky Gervais had reined it in at all for his third gig as host. “It’s so good,” he wisecracked at one point in the evening, “having a job where you can get drunk and say what you want. And they pay you.”

“It’s so good,” Gervais wisecracked at one point in the evening, “having a job where you can get drunk and say what you want. And they pay you.”

"The Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me,” he announced early on, “that if I insult any of you, or any of them, or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they'll definitely invite me back next year as well.”

If that’s true, well, I guess his remarks about Jodie Foster’s Beaver guaranteed a four-peet.

THE LONG RUN: Do you think the people making the seating arrangements thought Laura Dern really didn’t have a shot at winning her Globe as Best TV Actress – Comedy for Enlightened? I mean, geez louise, the poor woman was at a table so far back in the auditorium that she had to walk down steps, bob and weave her way through tables on the main floor, and then dash up steps to pick up her prize. Honest: I was afraid she wouldn’t get there before the clapping stopped.

BEST INTRO OF THE NIGHT: Seth Rogen stands next to Best Film Actress – Comedy award co-presenter Kate Beckinsale and announces: “Hello, I’m Seth Rogen. And I am currently trying to conceal a massive erection.”

Hey, Seth, I’ve interviewed the lady. I can feel your pain.

TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Brad Pitt introduces the clip from The Ides of March. George Clooney introduces the clip from Moneyball. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Of course, neither did any other reasonably sentient adult watching the show.

MEOW: Ricky Gervais introduces Madonna (presenter of the Best Foreign-Language Film award) by introducing her as “The Queen of Pop,” interrupts himself to take a dig at Elton John – “Not you, Elton! Sit down!” – then caps it off with allusions to various and sundry Madonna hits. Including, of course, “Like a Virgin.”

But Madonna strikes back: “If I’m still just like a virgin, Ricky, why don’t you come out here and do something about it? I haven’t kissed a girl in years… on stage.”

Really, when was the last time you saw two people at an awards show who seemed less in love?

CLASSIEST ACT: OK, I admit it, Sidney Poitier looked every minute of his 84 years as he paid tribute to Morgan Freeman upon the occasion of Freeman’s receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award for lifetime achievement – a prize Poitier himself was given way back in 1982. His speech was interminably slow, halting. But when he more or less invited Freeman into the pantheon of living legends – “Welcome aboard, Morgan Freeman!” – I am not the least bit ashamed that I got all teary eyed.

UPSET: I predicted that Michel Hazanavicius would get the Best Director award for The Artist. Instead, Martin Scorsese won for Hugo, my favorite movie of 2011. I have never at any point ever in my life been happier to see one of my predictions proven wrong.

SON OF A BITCH: Is it just me, or did Uggie the pooch from The Artist appear eager to hump Jean Dujardin’s leg the whole time the movie’s producer tried to give his acceptance speech?

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST SMOKIN’ HOT MILF GOES TO: Jane Fonda.

MOST OBVIOUSLY HAMMERED WINNER: Jessica Lange.

BEST PENIS JOKE: George Clooney’s shout-out to Michael Fassbender (Shame).

BEST NON-BLEEPED NAUGHTY BIT: Morgan Freeman to Helen Mirren: “Watching you handle a gun [in Red, their only co-starring stint to date] makes me know I don’t want to piss you off.”

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE MEGAPLEX: Throughout the parade of accolades for The Artist, I found myself thinking: Am I the only one who felt that writer-director Michel Hazanavicius kinda-sorta steps on his own punchline in the movie’s final moments? I mean, it’s supposed to be something of a mildly surprising payoff when we learn the real reason why faded silent-movie superstar George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) has avoided making talking pictures, right? (Not exactly a spoiler: The guy has a pronounced French accent.) But this revelation comes across so hastily and off-handedly — to me, at least — that I’ll bet the joke goes right over the heads of many people. Even people who like the film.

LEAST SURPRISING WIN: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady. Seriously: Was there ever any doubt?

WORST PERFORMANCE: Meryl Streep trying to look surprised… when she won for The Iron Lady.

I TOLD YOU SO: Madonna got her Golden Globe for Best Song – just like I predicted. Would I lie to you?

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Movie Review

Avatar: Fire and Ash returns to Pandora with big action and bold visuals

Photo courtesy of 20th Century Studios

Oona Chaplin in Avatar: Fire and Ash.

For a series whose first two films made over $5 billion combined worldwide, Avatar has a curious lack of widespread cultural impact. The films seem to exist in a sort of vacuum, popping up for their run in theaters and then almost as quickly disappearing from the larger movie landscape. The third of five planned movies, Avatar: Fire and Ash, is finally being released three years after its predecessor, Avatar: The Way of Water.

The new film finds the main duo, human-turned-Na’vi Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) and his native Na’vi wife, Neytiri (Zoë Saldaña), still living with the water-loving Metkayina clan led by Ronal (Kate Winslet) and Tonowari (Cliff Curtis). While Jake and Neytiri still play a big part, the focus shifts significantly to their two surviving children, Lo’ak (Britain Dalton) and Tuk (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss), as well as two they’ve essentially adopted, Kiri (Sigourney Weaver) and Spider (Jack Champion).

Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang), who lives on in a fabricated Na’vi body, is still looking for revenge on Jake, and he finds help in the form of the Mangkwan Clan (aka the Ash People), led by Varang (Oona Chaplin). Quaritch’s access to human weapons and the Mangkwan’s desire for more power on the moon known as Pandora make them a nice match, and they team up to try to dominate the other tribes.

Aside from the story, the main point of making the films for writer/director James Cameron is showing off his considerable technical filmmaking prowess, and that is on full display right from the start. The characters zoom around both the air and sea on various creatures with which they’ve bonded, providing Cameron and his team with plenty of opportunities to put the audience right there with them. Cameron’s preferred viewing method of 3D makes the experience even more immersive, even if the high frame rate he uses makes some scenes look too realistic for their own good.

The story, as it has been in the first two films, is a mixed bag. Cameron and co-writers Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver start off well, having Jake, Neytiri, and their kids continue mourning the death of Neteyam (Jamie Flatters) in the previous film. The struggle for power provides an interesting setup, but Cameron and his team seem to drag out the conflict for much too long. This is the longest Avatar film yet, and you really start to feel it in the back half as the filmmakers add on a bunch of unnecessary elements.

Worse than the elongated story, though, is the hackneyed dialogue that Cameron, Jaffa, and Silver have come up with. Almost every main character is forced to spout lines that diminish the importance of the events around them. The writers seemingly couldn’t resist trying to throw in jokes despite them clashing with the tone of the scenes in which they’re said. Combined with the somewhat goofy nature of the Na’vi themselves (not to mention talking whales), the eye-rolling words detract from any excitement or emotion the story builds up.

A pre-movie behind-the-scenes short film shows how the actors act out every scene in performance capture suits, lending an authenticity to their performances. Still, some performers are better than others, with Saldaña, Worthington, and Lang standing out. It’s more than a little weird having Weaver play a 14-year-old girl, but it works relatively well. Those who actually get to show their real faces are collectively fine, but none of them elevate the film overall.

There are undoubtedly some Avatar superfans for which Fire and Ash will move the larger story forward in significant ways. For anyone else, though, the film is a demonstration of both the good and bad sides of Cameron. As he’s proven for 40 years, his visuals are (almost) beyond reproach, but the lack of a story that sticks with you long after you’ve left the theater keeps the film from being truly memorable.

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Avatar: Fire and Ash opens in theaters on December 19.

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Avatar: Fire and Ash returns to Pandora with big action and bold visuals