Gym tan literature
The Top 10 things learned from reading Snooki's new book
If you, like me, were hoping the new book by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi would be a guide to the guidette life, you are, strictly speaking, out of luck. (But don't worry, The Rules According to J-Woww comes out next month.)
Nestled on the literature shelves just behind Sylvia Plath and Edgar Allan Poe, Snooki's A Shore Thing is instead a timeless tale about a tiny guidette named Gia navigating the boardwalk of life for a juiced-up gorilla to call her own.
But that doesn't mean there's nothing to learn. In addition to tips on dancing, chicken parmesan, the hair poof and how to avoid date rape, Snooki has truly bared her spray-tanned soul.
1. You think Snooki is stupid? She thinks you are stupid.
If Gia weren't on the verge of puking from listening to him (and lying on the floor), she'd have told him to shut his big freakin' mouth and stop lying his ass off ... She doubted he even knew who Kendra Wilkinson was.
2. Snooki thinks college and art students are stupid
"Yup. We're all art students at Cooper Union." If Gia was supposed to know what that was and be impressed, she didn't, and she wasn't.
3. Snooki loves animals.
Yeah, it was scary to stand next to a shark with, like, thousands of rows of needle-sharp teeth. But at that moment, it was just a helpless, vulnerable creature that probably felt scared and lonely. Gia knew in her heart that the shark would not harm her. Just to be sure, she said, "Don't eat me, bitch."
4. At the Jersey Shore, everyone knows your name.
Gia met the eyes of the seething blonde bimbo who'd thrown her to the floor. The girl's arms were in battle position, ready to go .... The blonde lowered her arms suddenly. "Gia friggin' Spumanti." "Oh my freakin' God," said Gia. "Linda Patterson."
5. Snooki respects her elders.
Gia had a rule: Never torpedo someone else's fun. But Maria was, like, an elderly person. She shouldn't be cleaning a stranger's stomach with her tongue.
6. Snooki cares about the Earth.
As Gia watched, Linda Patterson, former perky cheerleader, kicked over a trash can. The garbage spilled out. And then she just walked on. Gia covered her mouth in shock. Go ahead, call me a fat whore, she thought, but for God's sake, don't litter!
7. Snooki is not a fan of history.
She leaned over the boardwalk railing and saw a circle of hippies on the beach. They were huddled together like a family of Ellis Island immigrants just off the Mayflower.
8. Snooki knows how to respond to preppy haters.
"Fuck off, Abercrombie! Go back to Connecticut."
9. Snooki is a deeply spiritual person.
Pausing, she always felt a little greedy when she asked God for a favor. "Here's the thing, " she said, closing her eyes again. "I've been good my whole freakin' life. I've done what was expected of me, at home, in school. Whatever my parents wanted. Whatever Bobby wanted, which included some seriously kinky shit. But I guess you already know that. Not that I'm accusing you of peeping from heaven. I know you're not a sick perv, God."
10. It ain't easy being Snooki.
Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.