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    coulda' bean a contender

    Ken Hoffman weighs in: Houston could've 'bean' more original in the great Chicago cloud battle

    Ken Hoffman
    Apr 2, 2018 | 1:51 pm
    MFAH Cloud Gate Bean Houston
    The Cloud Column is strikingly similar to Chicago's Cloud Gate.
    Courtesy image

    Have you been following the high-brow trash talking between Chicago Tribune and Houston Chronicle columnists?

     

    Houston unveiled a sculpture called Cloud Column in the Museum District last week that looks very similar to a sculpture called Cloud Gate that’s been sitting in Chicago since 2006. Both sculptures look like a bean. In fact, Chicago’s sculpture is commonly called “The Bean.”

     

    Chicago’s is resting horizontally. Houston’s is standing vertically. Both sculptures are by British artist Anish Kapoor.

     

    A Chicago Tribune columnist used the lookalike works to unleash a torrid, yet confused and scattered, attack on Houston — for being unoriginal, uninspired, and generally inferior. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.

     

    Well, the Houston Chronicle would have none of that, and fired back with vocabulary-stretching defenses of Space City. Etc. Etc. Etc.

     

    Hey, it’s a battle over art, not a food fight (my specialty). It can’t get too down and dirty.

     

    And back and forth it still goes.

     

    I know the drill well. For years, whenever Houston was bashed in the media, usually by obese sports columnists with short-sleeved dress shirts soaked with sweat, Chronicle editors assigned me the task of having Houston’s back. I was the unofficial head Houston cheerleader.

     

    I’d respond with the usual: how world leaders who hate us come to the Medical Center to get healed up from cancer, acres of parkland, golf courses, Tex-Mex restaurants, space shots, job opportunities, international trade, the Port of Houston, warm winters, Fortune 500 companies. I could write that “Why Houston is better than ______ (fill in the blank)” column with my eyes closed. I had enough practice.

     

    True story: after sportswriters blasted Houston during the 2004 Super Bowl, ABC World News Tonight invited me on to defend my city. They asked me where I wanted to do the interview. I said, “How about the corner of Sage and Richmond?”

     

    I stood on the Northeast corner — with the Men’s Club over my shoulder. Our strip clubs are better than _______ (fill in the blank), too.

     

    Just as the interview started, a Men’s Club security guard ran out and yelled at us to move. We could have held our ground, we were on a public street, but you should have seen the size of this guy. So we moved. I think Pete’s Fine Meats got some free national publicity that day.

     

    This Bean Battle shouldn’t be a contest between Chicago and Houston. That’s not a fair fight. The mic drop is: people are leaving Chicago to live in Houston.

     

    The real issue is, why would Houston invest in a sculpture that is, let’s face it, practically a copy of a statue in Chicago? By the same artist who did the sculpture in Chicago? A Bean lying on its side and a Bean standing up — that’s not different enough.

     

    I’m not knocking the artist. I’m informed that Kapoor is a renown sculptor admired by critics. He has works in major cities around the world. A reader emailed photos of Kapoor’s pieces. Only two look similar. We got the second one.

     

    Turns out, Houston’s bean was created before Chicago’s, and sat in storage for years. Doesn’t matter. Chicago’s went on display first, so theirs is first.

     

    The Museum of Fine Arts Houston and Glassell School of Art are behind our Cloud Column. They hope our Bean will become a tourist landmark, a public treasure, a symbol for Houston.

     

    You want a symbol for Houston? How about a sculpture of a young family hammering a “Sold” sign on their first home?

     

    I’m not an art critic. I know very little about art. I had no idea there was a sculpture of a bean in Chicago. But I have seen the Venus de Milo in Paris, David in Florence, the Pieta in Rome and the Rocky statue in Philadelphia. There’s no confusion what city they’re in.

     

    If Chicago unveiled a piece of art, and it looked almost identical to Waterwall Park, we’d be screaming, howling, and laughing — and calling Chicago unoriginal, uninspired, and inferior. Chicago would be fair game for us.

     

    What do you think we did? We — sort of — copied Chicago’s Bean sculpture. We’re offended by the ridicule coming from way up I-45? Worse, we’re surprised? The story of the battling beans has been picked up by media around the country. In most cases, Houston is the butt of the joke. Ten thousand sculptors out of work, we couldn’t find something else?

     

    Why didn’t we order a sculpture and call it the Leaning Tower of Eiffel? Then two cities could be mocking us.

     

    Our sculpture is an Elvis imitator, Diamonique, a vegan hot dog, Webster sitcom, funny money.

     

    Chicago got over on Houston — this time.

     

    ---

     

     What's your take on Houston's Cloud Column? Let Ken know in the comments, or on Twitter.

     
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    game, set, zina.

    Best of Ken Hoffman: Interviewing Houston's greatest tennis icon

    Ken Hoffman
    Aug 29, 2024 | 12:30 pm
    Zina Garrison, tennis player
    ITATennis
    Garrison, a tennis legend, is now the tennis director of Houston Parks and Recreation.

    Editor's note: After the sudden death of beloved columnist Ken Hoffman on July 14, CultureMap is republishing some of our favorite "Hoffman's Houston" columns. In honor of the U.S. Open, here's Ken's interview with Houston tennis legend Zina Garrison; it was originally published on June 27, 2022.

    As a child, Zina Garrison learned how to hit a tennis ball on the public courts at MacGregor Park during the 1970s and became, simply, the most accomplished player ever from Houston.

     

    She developed into a Grand Slam champion, a Top 5 ranking in the world, Wimbledon finalist in 1990 with 20 tournament titles, Federation Cup captain, and Olympic gold medal winner and later Olympic coach.

     

    Now Garrison is back where she started, only this time she’s devoted to making Houston a great place to learn and play tennis … again. Like she did.

     

    “I am now the tennis director of Houston Parks and Recreation,” Garrison tells me. “I’m over all the public tennis programs and facilities. The job came open recently and I applied for it.”

     

    Wait... she’s the greatest champion this city has ever produced — and she had to apply for that job?

     

    “To be honest, I was more interested in the benefits than the money. As you get older, you start thinking differently,” she shares.

     

    Unlike the major sports leagues in America, tennis doesn’t provide any healthcare insurance or assistance once a player, even a legend, retires.

     

    “They’re working on it,” Garrison, 58, notes. “But as of now, nothing.”

     

    Garrison said her first priority as Houston’s tennis director is to repair the public courts.

     

    “I want to bring the public tennis facilities up to where I’d be proud, where everybody would be proud, to bring people to use our courts. There are cracks in the courts. Nothing’s really been done in the last 20 or maybe 30 years,” she says.

     

    “I’ve traveled to Florida and some other places and they have really nice public courts. Tennis in Houston was really thriving for a while and we had nice courts and people could play in the parks. We had junior programs. We flourished. That’s my main goal.”

     

    While I had Garrison on the phone, I served up some questions:

     

     CultureMap: Wimbledon is on. You’re familiar with that tournament, right? Who are your picks to win the men’s side and women’s side?

     

     Zina Garrison: Yes, I’m familiar with Wimbledon. I have my alarm set for the early morning so I can watch. I have a weird pick, a more personal pick, for the men.

     

    I would love to see Rafael Nadal keep going on, but it’s going to be tough for him. The guy from Italy, Matteo Berrettini, I watched him play a couple of weeks ago and I think he’s going to surprise a lot of people. And I am absolutely in love with that little guy, Carlos Alcaraz, from Spain. He’s made me watch tennis again.

     

    On the women’s side, I don’t think it will be Iga Swiatek. I think it’s just too hard to keep a streak like hers (35 matches in a row including the French Open title) going in today’s game. It’s really wide open. I don’t really have a pick, it’s just who comes in and plays well at the right time.

     

     CM: What do you think about Natela Dzalamidze, the doubles player from Russian who switched her nationality to Georgia so she could play Wimbledon, which has banned players from Russian and Belarus this year?

     

     ZG: I don’t like that she was able to do that. I was just on the phone with (former pro turned broadcaster) Chanda Rubin talking about what’s going on in tennis these days.

     

    First of all, there is the human rights stuff that’s going on in Russia and Ukraine. We have to start forcing accountability for actions. A lot of people didn’t agree with what Wimbledon did, but I think they had to take a stand.

     

     CM: The women’s GOAT is easy — it’s Serena. But who do you think is the men’s GOAT?

     

     ZG: Wow, that’s a hard one. If you had asked me earlier this year, I would have said Roger Federer because of everything he’s accomplished. But right now I’m going to have to go with Nadal. Nadal has taken tennis to a whole ‘nother level, of getting people to watch, coming out of the pandemic, where he has matches and you think he can’t come back and he’s still grinding no matter what.

     

    For me, he is the epitome of what we need in this world right now: Never give up but not be selfish about helping others. I know it sounds clichéd, but that’s what I’m going through right now.

     

     CM: When I first met you, you were painfully shy. It was hard to get an answer out of you. Now you’re a TV commentator and a regular chatterbox. What happened?

     

     ZG: I was an introvert but I had always been intrigued by people of wisdom. A lot of it came as I developed confidence in myself. I had always been told at a very young age, if you really knew me, I spoke a lot. If you didn’t know me, I would be quiet. I would only speak about things that I was extremely passionate about.

     

    As I’ve gotten older, because of my experiences. I feel like I can help people so I’m not afraid to say what I want to say.

     

     CM: Starting the week after Wimbledon, coaches will be allowed to communicate with men players during matches. Up to now, that’s only been allowed in the women’s game. Every other sport allows coaching. Do you think tennis should allow coaching, too?

     

     ZG: I don’t think coaching should be allowed. That’s one of the great things about tennis. That’s a part of the sport, that you grow and figure things out. You learn to think for yourself.

     

    There’s always been little signals from coaches, but now you have these full blown conversations. Another bad thing about allowing coaching is it gives the players the opportunity to blame a loss their coach. That’s not good for the sport.

     

     CM: You were known for wiggling your butt when receiving serve. Did you know you were doing it? Did you do that on purpose?

     

     ZG: It started off as kind of a joke with my coaches. They said, we need you to move your feet. I said, you mean like this?

     

    So, it started as a joke but I realized that it helped get my feet moving: Okay, I’m going to keep doing this.

     

    I’ll never forget that year after I got to the Wimbledon finals, 1990, I went over to Japan and there were 1,200 people there … and all of them started wiggling!

     

     CM: What was the first extravagant thing you bought for yourself when the tennis prize money started rolling in?

     

     ZG: It was 1982, and I bought a candy apple red Volkswagen convertible with a white top.

     

     CM: You were on the Biggest Loser, the show where contestants compete against each other to lose weight. Let’s just say you didn’t win. Are you happy you went on that show, or do you regret it?

     

     ZG: I was one of the first who had to leave the competition. (No, you were THE first.) It was an experience, but I probably shouldn’t have done it. I think I regret going on there. It wasn’t what I thought it was.

     

    It was reality TV and at the time I didn’t know what reality TV was .I was more ready to get out of there than anything else.

     

     CM: Now here’s the big question, Zina. For years, I’ve had a running disagreement with ESPN 97.5 FM morning host John Granato about which is a more demanding, tougher sport – golf or tennis?

     

     Granato says it’s golf, because the tournament winner has to beat every other player that week, while in tennis the winner just has to beat seven players at most. And, each week, golfers have to contend with a different course.

     

     But, I say it’s tennis because players have to be in top physical condition, while nearly anyone in any shape can win a golf major.

     

     Plus, in golf, players have a caddy helping them make decisions. In tennis, players are on their own.

     

     In golf, you can have a bad day on Thursday and still win the tournament. In tennis, if you have a bad day in the opening round, you’re on a plane out of there.

     

     In golf, it’s the player against the course. There’s no defense in golf. In tennis, there’s a human opponent trying to beat you.

     

     In golf, the ball is lying still. In tennis the ball is coming at you at 140 mph.

     

     So which is the tougher sport, golf or tennis? I’m right ... right?

     

     ZG: Are you serious? Who is this guy who says golf is harder? The answer is tennis and it’s not even close.

     

    You’re playing against someone. You’re only controlling the ball when it’s on your side of the net. You can’t control what the other player is doing. It’s almost like a boxer coming at you.

     

    You have to have both the physical and mental capacity to win. In golf, if you have a bad day, it’s because you’re having that bad day. There’s no opponent competing with you. So, I’m saying it’s tennis.

     

     CM (note to John Granato): I win. Granted, it might have been the way I asked the question. Also, Garrison is a former tennis pro.

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