Sick of buying gifts? Want to tell off your entire family, one at a time? Consider observing Festivus.

December 23 marks Festivus, the secular celebration offering an alternative to the commercialism of Christmas and Hanukkah. For those of you who weren’t conscious in the 1990s, Festivus dates back to a 1997 episode of Seinfeld. (Actually, it was created in the ‘60s by Dan O'Keefe then written into the TV show by his son, Daniel O’Keefe. But I digress.)

George’s dad, Frank Costanza, explained its inception:

Frank Costanza: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."
Kramer: "What happened to the doll?"
Frank Costanza: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"

Festivus Basics:
Forget Christmas trees and boughs of holly. Festivus requires only an unadorned pole of aluminum, (aluminum chosen for its high strength-to-weight ratio). After a simple Festivus dinner, observers of the holiday list how each person has disappointed them that year in the official Airing of Grievances. The night ends only when the head of the household has been wrestled to the ground in the Feats of Strength.

It may sound simple, but as a seasoned participant of Festivus, I offer the following tips:

Deciding the Head of the Household:
- Unsure who’s head of the household? Play out this scenario: If you say, “I’m cold,” does someone else get up and change the thermostat? If so, then you’re head of the household. Or, at the very least, the other person is not head of the household.

- You don’t necessarily want to be head of the household. Although the head of the household gets to go first in the Airing of Grievances, he or she must be wrestled to the ground in the Feats of Strength.

The Festivus Pole:
- Decorations of any kind are strictly forbidden. As Frank Costanza put it, tinsel is just "distracting."
- Remember that the Festivus pole is not a stripper pole. Do not defile the sanctity of this holiday by treating it as such. (Although not outlined in the official Festivus guide, it’s an accepted practice to dead-leg and/or Indian burn anyone who does so.)
- Strip clubs, however, are an appropriate post-Festivus destination.

Feats of Strength:
- Get the head of the household sleepy-drunk for easier wrestling. Favorites include hydro codeine, pulverized Xanax, Rohypnol, etc.
- Don’t wear a skirt. You’re going to be wrestling a drunk, barred-out beast to the ground, and, like all holidays, someone will post the photos on Facebook.

The Airing of Grievances:
The Airing of Grievances is an especially wrenching process as no one likes hearing how they’ve messed up. There are a couple strategies for dealing with this.

a) Get black out drunk.
b) Shout, “Whatever! WHATEVER!” louder than whoever is complaining about you.
c) Cut yourself
d) Eat your feelings

Alternatives and Modern Adaptations:
Some criticize Festivus’ violent wrestling of the head of the household. Though not traditional practice, I offer the following alternatives:
- Thumb Wrestling: Great for lame and/or old people. Actually this is just lame. Anyone who wants to thumb wrestle immediately loses head of the household title.
- Tickle fight: An excellent excuse for groping, essentially clothed foreplay
- Drinking match: You’re probably going to get trashed at the strip club later anyway, why not make an early start?