Pethouse Pet of the Week
Pethouse Pet digs into Ric Flair's sex life and praises Astros announcers
This week's Pethouse Pet of the Week calls out Ric Flair for his unnatural boast, wonders what Georgina Chapman ever saw in Harvey Weinstein, and praises the Houston Astros' announcers.
Pethouse Pet of the Week
Name: Buddy, as in Hackett, Holly, Ebsen, Ryan, and the original “Nature Boy” of wrestling, Buddy Rogers.
Birthdate: December 30, 2016. I’m only 10 months old, but I already weigh 83 pounds and I might put on a few more. I’m a big boy, like that old burger chain.
Ethnicity: “I’m a Giant Schnauzer, a breed you probably didn’t know existed, and frankly neither did I until I looked in the mirror. Because I’m so big and so frisky, maybe I belong in a house with adults. I might not know my own strength around little children. I’m just a little child myself.”
Come and get me: I'm available for adoption at 11 am Friday at Citizens for Animal Protection (17555 Katy Freeway; 281-497-0591). Tell them, "Ken sent me."
Speaking of wrestlers named “Nature Boy,” the greatest of ‘em all, “Nature Boy" Ric Flair, is the subject of an ESPN 30 for 30 debuting next month. In interviews promoting the documentary, “Naitch” (aka Flair) claims to have had sex with 10,000 women. Now, I’m no math whiz like Sheldon Cooper, but no way 10,000. Let’s crunch the numbers. Flair is 68 years old and has been in the hospital for the past couple of months. Even a maniac like Flair surely isn’t pulling women in the hospital.
Let’s say he was a precocious alley cat and started having sex when he was 15. That gives him 53 years on the prowl. But he’s been married four times. Let’s assume he was faithful three months leading into each marriage and three months during the marriage. Now we’re down to 51 years chasing women. He’s currently engaged to Wendy Barlow, who played Fifi the French Maid in World Championship Wrestling. We’re subtracting another six months. Between bouts of booze and stints in the hospital with wrestling injuries, another year on the sidelines.
I’ll give Flair a solid half-century of making, as Shakespeare described it in Othello, “the beast with two backs.” Ten thousand women divided by 50 years … that’s 200 different women every year. Put it this way, Hugh Hefner, who sort of invented sex in the 20th century, claimed he had sex with “over a thousand” women. I’m buying Hef, selling the Nature Boy. Look, if Flair is willing to use brass knucks in a wrestling ring, which is strictly against the rules, who can believe anything he says?
Here’s my bigger problem with Ric Flair. Last year, a promoter brought one of those comic book/sci-fi conventions to Houston. They had a bunch of celebrities there to sign autographs, among them Flair and Tara Reid. The convention asked me to host a “Nerd Dating Game.” You kidding? I jumped at it.
Parking was impossible downtown because of Super Bowl construction, so the organizers sent a limo to pick me up. I was given a number to call for a limo when I was ready to leave.
After the “Nerd Dating Game” – “Michael, this is a girl, don’t be afraid” – I went outside the George R. Brown and called for my limo. While I was waiting, Flair, Fifi, and Tara Reid came out of the convention center. I introduced myself to Flair, I’m a big fan. As we were talking, a limo pulled up. The driver got out and said in loud voice “Ken Hoffman?” Flair yelled, “That’s me!” and he, Fifi, and Reid jumped in the car and they took off. No wonder Flair used to brag that he was “the dirtiest player in the game.”
Love is blind
I can’t stop laughing at the photo of disgraced pig Harvey Weinstein and his wife, Marchesa fashion designer Georgina Chapman. Look at him. Look at her. He must have an incredible personality and sense of humor to land a beautiful woman like that.
Don’t you wish the networks would hire the Astros announcers for post-season games? The network guys don’t “get” the Astros like Todd Kalas, Geoff Blum, and Julia Morales do. This was the most fun Astros year ever, and the announcers played a big part.
You want fries with that?
QSR Magazine, the bible of the fast food industry, has released the results of its annual “Drive-Thru Performance Study.” The winner is (drum roll, please) … Raising Cane’s, which took top honors for order accuracy and speed of service. Also scoring high points: Chick-fil-A and Wendy’s.
I don’t want to trash a whole chain, because my local joint just may be a bad apple, but there’s a chicken shack near my house that, let’s say, I have no idea what will be in the bag when I open it. I order my usual, three thighs and a biscuit. When I drive away, who knows what I’ll be having for dinner that night. I totally expect to open the bag and find a live kitten in there one day.