Save Eager for Beaver's
Have you seen a good beaver lately? Houston Ice House searches for a kidnappedfriend
Eager the beaver, the well-loved mascot of Beaver's Ice House, has gone missing — again.
But unlike Eager's previous kidnappings, which were committed in either good fun, a boozy haze or some combination of the two, this time the perps have gone too far. A Twitter handle has popped up in addition to a blog, detailing his captor's demands and feeding a troubled public infrequent updates on the dire state of the clearly malnourished mammal.
OK, Eager is a 25-pound wooden likeness of his mammalian counterpart, a fact that Beaver's executive chef Jonathan Jones says adds to his amazement at the kidnapping.
"This isn't new for me," Jones, who is known to his friends as JJ, tells CultureMap. "Last year a regular couple took him home hammered, which I caught on video, and took him on vacation with them. They sent pics with him in sunglasses in a leopard print swimsuit and brought him back after the weekend. They took him to Florida, you know. They flew with it."
While Eager had little more than a tan to show for that abduction, his most recent disappearance is far more disturbing. Pictures posted on his twisted captor's blog have the beaver bound and gagged, posed next a photo that poses a far more sinister threat: A red wood chipper.
JJ says he's played along with these criminals' stipulations to keep his beloved beaver safe from harm. He has his suspicions, but said he wouldn't reveal them to us for fear of retribution.
"It's absolutely no one on my staff, that's for sure," he says. "At this point all I can speculate is that it's one of several regular customers who I know have the balls to do this."
Among the perverted demands leveled by Eager's abductors were that the Beaver's staff submit a reworked version of the Boys II Men ballad, "I'll make love to you."
Bestiality? It's sickening.
JJ says he's unsure whether the kidnapper acted alone or as part of a group. Eager's weight, speed and intelligence suggest it was a group effort, but at this point the clues are few, since the beaver has yet to be photographed in public.
"I've got people out," JJ says solemnly.
Worse, the beaver's kidnappers have taken to taunting JJ, mocking his loss on Twitter and through DMs too harrowing to print here.
If you have any information as to the whereabouts of our wooden hero or the identity(s) of his abusers, let us know. We'll hook you up with a handsome reward. In the meantime, join in the search by Tweeting @BeaverForRansom, and let 'em know we won't stand for beaver bullying.