Red meat, guns and whispers of secession — frankly, Texas and Sarah Palin go together like filet mignon and a nice Argentinian malbec beer and burgers.

So it's weird that the former Alaskan governor has only been to Houston once. (No, Cypress doesn't count.) But that's about to change when the Mama Grizzly herself comes to town in October to speak at First Baptist Church on behalf of crisis pregnancy centers.

Maybe it's our incessant talk of gayborhoody Montrose, hipsters and exotic Vietnamese cuisine that's kept her away.

Well, not today. If our tea party rallies and our concealed carry laws aren't motivation, we've compiled a list just for Sarah P. of all the places in town that a Real American™ can enjoy.

- While they may not have a shoot your own meal policy, Rainbow Lodge has an outdoorsy log cabin aesthetic, plenty of dead animal parts lining the walls and some of the best wild game and fowl served in the city. It's a meal that says, "Hey, I like to hunt, but I'm no country bumpkin."

- If Sarah Palin and I were in a room together, the only two things we'd agree on might be her children's names (I genuinely think they are cool) and the importance and awesomeness of supporting local entrepreneurs, particularly farmers and makers of American craft beer. So if this unlikely event were ever to happen, I hope the room in question is BRC Gastropub. (We just won't tell her what the acronym stands for.)

- Sarah may have spent a small fortune on campaign clothes from Saks, but she says her favorite store in Alaska is a consignment shop called Out Of The Closet. Well, Sarah, Houston knows a thing are two about consignment. Whether it's More Than You Can Imagine, Couture Blowout, or The Guild Shop, we've got enough labels for less to fill even an Alaska-sized closet. And hey, Saks (and Neiman's) are right down the road at The Galleria.

- We all know it's important to tell the Real Americans™ from the illegals and other interlopers. So how better to celebrate true American history and spirit than with a visit to the Clayton Library Center for Genealogical Research. Plus with all that gumption we know Sarah must have a Texan or two in her bloodline.

- Of course it would be crazy for Palin to hit town without heading to the Downtown Aquarium. Don't ask me why, I just really think she'd like it.