I am not from The Woodlands, but I am of the Woodlands.

When I was 12 my dad headed south from Dallas to greener suburbs, and until high school I spent many a summer in The Woodlands learning what the meaning of "Houston humidity" is.

Do you need to see my Woodlands cred? I remember when shopping meant driving to 1960 and Willowbrook Mall because the Woodlands Mall hadn't opened yet. I remember when McCollough was the high school, not the middle school. I remember when Alden Bridge was considered "deep Woodlands" and the only non-four-way-stops were along Research Forest and Woodlands Parkway.

I remember when the deer were actual deer, not just a piece of art in homage to an animal displaced by a growing population.

So when the furor over my colleague Steven Thomson's column on a disastrous trip to Pure took over CultureMap earlier this week, I was taken by surprise, since, having lived the stereotype and fled to Montrose, I found it hilarious. So if it's a discussion on The Woodlands you want, dear readers, I am here to oblige you.

Here's my take on what makes The Woodlands a place some people love and others love to hate.

Things to Love:

1. The kids

Not everyone in Houston can send their kids to Lamar or Bellaire, or foot the bill for St. John's. In The Woodlands, every student is in a top-notch public school. (Or an even better private school. What up, John Cooper?) Here kids actually play in the street, not to mention at the zillions of parks. There are public pools and public libraries with nary a homeless person in sight.

2. The woodsiness

Smog? Not here.

Bike trails, parks and trees foster an outdoor experience and a natural beauty that Houston just doesn't have. Inner loopers don't have a monopoly on a non-car-based lifestyle. One of the best things about The Woodlands is you can bike pretty much anywhere — I have great memories of biking to TCBY in Panther Creek, to play tennis or swim at the WAC (RIP!), even on one unfortunate occasion to the mall.

3. The distance from Houston

It's nice that, being outside the city, there is still plenty to do in the Woodlands that makes trips down I-45 more of a treat than a necessity. Low crime, a small-town vibe, more space, you name it — no one can deny there are good reasons to make a home beyond the city limits.

4. The culinary landscape

The suburbs are not the cultural wasteland they are thought to be (and maybe once were). The Woodlands has Mongolian, South American, Vietnamese, nouveau American, etc. cuisine to choose from, plus a couple places inner Loopers would love to get their hands on: Hubbell & Hudson Market and Bistro and Grimaldi's Pizza.

5. The lifestyle

Without resorting to the McMansion "stereotypes" — and yes, I realize there are modest homes and apartments in the Woodlands — The Woodlands really does exude a sense of having it all: The perfect house, the cars, the 2.5 kids. It's family-oriented to the max and almost cheesy in its rah-rah hometown pride.

But it earns that pride by creating fostering a sense of community and creating a world of happy residents — and that's not an accomplishment to take lightly.

Things to Hate:

1. The kids

Those great schools? They are also high-pressure and cutthroat. For years the school district put off building a needed second high school because of (apparently unwarranted) fears a rivalry would get really ugly.

City kids may get their kicks trying to sneak into The Mink and smoking cigarettes on the Mandell Street bridge, but suburban kids (in my anecdotal experience) are bored and have disposable incomes and parents with long commutes, and despite bucolic appearances there is a strong culture of drugs and alcohol.

2. The woodsiness

Men position themselves using streets, but women use landmarks. So since every intersection was just a four-way stop and plenty of trees, it was practically impossible for years to reliably direct myself anywhere.

3. The distance from Houston

Seriously, life is too short to commute for two-plus hours every day. Plus Woodlanders are out of range for last minute tickets to the theater or a sporting event.

4. The culinary landscape

For every Jasper's, Cru, or Brother's Pizza, there are 25 Macaroni Grills, TGI Fridays, Cheesecake Factories and Pei Weis. Is it snobby to eschew chains when possible to support local flavors, farmers and entrepreneurs? Then I guess I'm happily a snob.

5. The lifestyle

What is there to do in The Woodlands on a rainy day? Eat and shop. It's consumerist culture at its apex. Plus there is a level of homogeneity — white, Christian, and well-off — that seems somewhat in odds to the melting pot the country is supposed to represent.

I'm not saying it's Stepford, but ... if the Jimmy Choo fits ...