BP's looking for a new CEO: Three contenders to consider before rushing in withDudley
Tony Hayward's dream has come true: He finally gets to stop dealing with this inconvenient oil spill and go back to his life.
Yes, BP has decided the media's favorite punching boy has outlived his usefulness and will, like the oil-covered pelicans also ruined by the spill, be sent to a facility to remove the noxious BP slime and subsequently returned to the wild. And while reports say BP managing director Bob Dudley, an American, is his rumored successor, we have a few names that should be thrown in the ring:
3. Mr. Burns
As the owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Mr. Burns is familiar with man-made environmental disasters. He has also perfected a sure-fire method of dealing with reporters, Greenpeace activists and wildlife-rescuers — releasing the hounds. He's not troubled by an inconvenient moral center, and his disregard for his employees, nature and human decency will make Tony Hayward look downright sympathetic.
2. Dr. Horrible
He's just evil enough to want to run the world's most disaster-prone oil company (it would guarantee him a spot in the Evil League of Evil) — and it doesn't hurt that he has an advanced degree, either. His patented freeze ray may have potential in the well-sealing or clean-up process, and we know that if saving the Gulf would impress kindhearted crush Penny, there's nothing Dr. Horrible wouldn't do to make it happen.
He also has a couple public-relations-friendly features most evil geniuses lack: A winning smile and a penchant for breaking into song.
1. Dick Cheney
After being associated with Halliburton and the worst excesses of the Bush administration, being spokesman for a company that only screws up the world through gross carelessness and neglect would actually be a step in the right direction for Cheney. He's proven that he's willing to tackle the press —and the undisputed facts — head on.
With Cheney in charge, it's only a matter of time before we discover the spill was the result of terrorist pelicans working in cahoots with Al Qaeda.