Here's the Pethouse Pet of the Week, and other random thoughts, ranging from Houston's debris-ridden bike lanes to a cruise from hell and deep-fried Twinkies.
Name: Kenna, as in professional poker player Kenna James and actor Jamie Kenna. I’ve never heard of either one. In other words, feel free to change my name. In fact, I’m on my four knees begging.
Ethnicity: I’m a Cleveland Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and Dachshund combo platter. I’m a spayed, gentle girly girl who weighs a trim, fit 11 pounds.
Date of birth: February 18, 2014.
The art of the deal: I’m available for adoption, starting at 11 am Saturday, at Citizens for Animal Protection.
What’s on Kenna’s mind?
I remember watching the news back in March. A cutie-pie 8-year-old girl wrote a sweet letter to Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner, asking him to pretty please with sugar on it fix a broken sidewalk near her home in the Heights.
“Can you either build a bridge or finish the sidewalk? I will show you the bumpy sidewalk.”
“If you come visit my house to see the problem sidewalk, my mom says she will give me money to take you to get gelato.”
Surprise surprise, Mayor Turner came to visit the girl's house and inspected the bumpy sidewalk. No surprise, TV cameras and reporters were there to capture Turner’s deep concern about the safety of school children.
Turner promised to get the sidewalk fixed, which might take three to six months. No hurry, mayor, take your time. Sheesh that’s slow.
At least now I know what it takes to get Turner’s attention, so here goes ...
Dear Mayor Turner:
I ride my bicycle to work and darn it, the bike lanes in Houston are scary. They’re filled with loose gravel and broken glass and assorted junk, which makes riding dangerous. This morning, I took a photo of the bike lane on Westpark (pictured above). As you can see, it’s practically useless because of all the debris and loose dirt. I had to choose between riding in a car lane or the sidewalk, both bad choices.
It’s not just the Westpark bike lanes. It’s bike lanes throughout your/our city. Why even have bike lanes if they’re just going to be roadside city dumps?
Tell you what, Mr. Mayor Sir, if you will come to my house, I will show you how junky our bike lanes are, and I’ll even buy you a double-dip ice cream cone. I’m talking Marble Slab with extra mix-ins. You can do your trick of alerting the media so they'll capture us looking at bike lanes and eating ice cream. If you're lucky, I'll invite KPRC's Dominique Sachse.
Another bumpy ride
Remember that gambling boat, the voyage of the damned, I took a couple of weeks ago? It leaves Galveston every day and takes about 90 minutes to reach federal waters. That’s when the captain opens the blackjack and dice tables and plugs in the slot machines. The day I was aboard, the seas were rough and most of the guests were seasick and sticking their faces in vomit bags.
My biggest gripe was, the boat promised sports gambling, and I hit the ATM to place a considerable wager. I found the sports book guy and said, “I want to make a parlay bet, the Astros tonight and Rafael Nadal to win the French Open tennis tournament.”
The sports book guy said he couldn’t take my bet. The sports machines hadn’t arrived yet. Sorry.
So I spent the cruise from hell watching people puke up their guts. What a wasted day. The kicker, the Astros won that night and Nadal won the French Open. I would have made a cool $1,000. But nooooo.
You are what you eat
Every so often, someone says, "Why do you write about unhealthy fast food?"
Reason No. 1: Ever see that sign outside McDonald’s, about the billions and billions of burgers sold? That number grows bigger and faster and the national debt. I’m just telling people what’s out there. I always give the nutritional information, like calories and fat grams, so people can make educated choices. And I review one item a week. Everybody deserves one cheat meal a week.
And not everything in the drive-thru is bad for you. For example, Long John Silver’s is introducing Deep Fried Twinkies, the carnival favorite, in a couple of months.
Those are very nutritious, like eating a kale salad - except for the overloaded fat grams, grease, preservatives, sugar, and empty calories. Okay, maybe Deep Fried Twinkies aren’t the best example.
Ken Hoffman's adoptable Pethouse Pet of the Week runs every Friday on CultureMap. Ken can be reached at email@example.com or on Facebook. To have all CultureMap stories, including Ken's columns, delivered to your inbox in one Daily Digest every morning, sign up here.