Name: Achilles, like the warrior hero of Homer’s famous book, The Iliad (loved the Cliffs Notes).
Birthdate: October 20, 2013.
Ethnicity: I’m a Pug and Pomeranian combo platter – family-sized. I’m 32 pounds of funky, hunky pooch. I’m a lovable scamp, gentle with children and other animals, and most important, I’m housebroken. Yay for housebroken. I even know a few verbal commands, including “heel.” Get it, Achilles … heel? I still got it.
I’m available for adoption, starting 11 am Saturday, at Citizens for Animal Protection, 17555 Interstate 10 W. For more information, click on cap4pets.org or call 281-497-0591. Like the game show, I can be all yours – if the price is right. And the price is right at $99, which includes vaccinations, spay-neutering, medical checks for heartworms, microchipping and more – a $400 value!
Brokeback Mountain: Love is strange. Pick up today's Houston Chronicle. They're still running the "Best of Ken Hoffman" from years gone by. They can't quit him! Very flattering.
Achilles has a few other things on his mind:
Bet on the Astros? I’ll sleep on it
Jim “Mattress Mack” McIngvale is back with another zany promotion. This time, it’s called “Win it All, Get it All.”
“Come to Gallery Furniture and purchase $3,000 or more of mattresses, including Tempur-Pedic, and if the Astros win the baseball final championship series, your mattress is free.”
Mack is playing it safer than usual. In past years, customers just had to pick the winning team in the Super Bowl to get their purchase money back. So customers had a 50-percent chance of getting free furniture. Last year, Mack took a beating as most shoppers picked the New England Patriots and the Pats came through in overtime.
While the Astros own the best record in baseball so far, they’re still a long shot to win the World Series. According to Las Vegas oddsmakers, the Astros have about a 12 percent chance of winning the World Series.
Isn’t it silly that Mack has to say “the baseball final championship series,” instead of “World Series,” and “the big game” instead of “Super Bowl?” The NFL practically declares the Super Bowl a national holiday, then charges businesses to say its name.
I asked Mack if he feels weird saying “baseball final championship series.” He said, “You just do what you got to do.” Then he went back to selling two great recliners for one low, low price.
Even sillier: KMBE-AM (SportsTalk 790) has a contest where the winner gets a free trip to Atlanta to watch the Astros vs. Braves game on July 4. The station is not allowed to use the words “Astros” or “Braves.” The commercial for the contest says “Houston vs. Atlanta.” And KBME is the official radio station of the Astros.
Your table is ready, sir
Ken may be achieving the greatest honor in journalism. A Pulitzer? Nah, all that takes is big-time talent (Hi, Lisa), relentless digging and an incredible amount of hard work. Not interested.
He's talking about getting his own personal power table at a popular restaurant. He got this email from Seliece Womble, public relations, The Houstonian Hotel, Club & Spa:
“Remember when Maxine Mesinger had a table at Tony’s? I would love for you to have ‘your table’ at Olivette restaurant in the Houstonian, where you can have breakfast with whomever you are interviewing, or just have a place to call yours in the morning, where you can find your coffee muse.”
I hear he's considering it. It may involve buying a lot of men’s jewelry and heavy cologne, perhaps an ascot. He had dinner with Maxine – once. He remembers asking her, “What is a power table? Is it a table where you can see everybody?” She said, “No, it’s a table where everybody can see you.”
The return of Sunday letters column – early delivery
I have a Houston driving etiquette question. Is using the freeway on/off ramp to bypass a traffic light rather than actually use the freeway a legitimate Houston driving habit … or a hell-worthy trespass? It annoys me when I leave space for a car to enter the freeway, and the driver is just interested in avoiding a red light. – Chuck Rinhart, Houston
Answer: Had dinner the other night with marketing titan Jessica Manning and talk host-in-exile Charlie Pallilo. I put your question to them. They both were shocked that anybody would be surprised by drivers using the freeway to maneuver around red lights. I hop on the freeway to steer clear of the intersection of Kirby Drive and the 59 feeder. I don’t do it to avoid a red light, though. I do it to avoid an accident. That intersection is bedlam. Anytime you have Hooters and Chick-fil-A across the street from each other, trouble is bound to happen.
Ken is bringing back his Sunday letters column and “My Close Warm Personal Friend” feature. If you want to make a comment, insult a local TV weatherman or ask a question about anything, my email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. If you have a photo of yourself with a celebrity, crooked politician, famous athlete or notorious criminal – same email address. Just tell Ken when and where you took the photo.
Hey, if they can do a Will and Grace reunion, I can bring back “My Close Warm Personal Friend.”
Ken Hoffman's adoptable Pethouse Pet of the Week runs every Friday on CultureMap. Ken can be reached at email@example.com or on Twitter: @KenCultureMap. To have all CultureMap stories, including Ken's columns, delivered to your inbox in one Daily Digest every morning, sign up here.