Today on the light rail, I learned the true meaning behind “I love you."

Now, I learn a lot of lessons in love on the light rail, but this one has to be the most ridiculous experience ever. After a long weekend of church kickball and getting hammered, I was exhausted. I had no desire to talk to a homeless person about how I looked “good” in my glasses.

No, dude, I do not … I’m only wearing them because my eyes burn like hell when I try to put contacts in. Furthermore, I made a complete ass out of myself on the light rail during the Rodeo cook-off so I try to lay low in case somebody recognizes me. (Read: I shouted out on the light rail that I’m fucking awesome, because you can’t spell awesome without the S-O-W-A.)

But today, homeboy would not give it a rest after his glasses compliment. I look like a four-eyed geek, not some hot chick you want to bang, dude.

Love Doctor: “You gotta boyfriend?”

Me: “What’s it to you?”

Love Doctor: “I ain’t tryna be nosey, just tryna give you some advice.”

Everybody wants to give everybody advice these days. Note to you readers, don’t give advice unless somebody asks for it because it’s freaking annoying. Unless, of course, you have a degree in psychology and can give me scientific evidence of your advice.

Me: “Advice on what?”

Love Doctor: “Ya know I gotta daughter. She done got married all young she had three kids before she prolly yo age and I’m just tryna help you out.”

Me: “K.”

Love Doctor: “You know you ladies get your hopes all up when a man tell you he love you. You wanna know the real meaning of love?”

Me: “Ummm I’m pretty sure I love you means the same in every culture.”

Love Doctor: “Hellllll no. It mean different shit for women than it do for us men. When a boy tell you he love you, he just thinks it will make you happy. Because when a boy say that, you be like ‘Oh we gonna get married and have a white picket fence’ and so you do anything for da boy. I love you is just a nice way of sayin ‘I’m getting sick of dis relationship ‘less you put out’. I’m just tryna help you out. You look like a nice girl and jus tryna save you from these boys.”

Me: “What about when my dad tells me he loves me?”

Love Doctor: “Well das different ... das unconditional love.”

Me: “Have you ever been in love?”

Love Doctor: “Well yeah and I still am. Been married for 20 years still goin strong.”

Me: “So why did you say every man doesn’t mean it when they say ‘I love you’?”

Love Doctor: “Because you young and no boy wants to get married right now so they all want one thing.”

Me: “I think you’re wrong.”

This did not sit well with him. I was defying his advice unlike all my other light rail lessons in love. He was completely contradicting himself as a way to protect me when he doesn’t even know me.

Love Doctor: “You fo real? Fine. I was just helpin you out but Imma leave you alone. You make your mistakes.”

Me: “I like making mistakes.”

Love Doctor: “You go do that den. Don’t come whining to me when your life turns upside down.”

Me: “I hope to never see you again.”

Love Doctor: “Dayyummmm OK miss. You have a good day.”

Me: “You too. I’ll watch out for those boys like you said.”

He stepped down to stand on the light rail. Apparently we were talking very loud because the woman in front of me turns around and said, “Don’t listen to him. He’s homeless and lonely. Not all men are bad.”

Me: “Thank you!”

Woman: “But if a man that looks like that tells you they love you, you better run and hide.”

Moral of the story: Don't fall in love.

 Catch more of Katie Sowa's light rail adventures on her website.