Finding the perfect Valentine can be difficult – which is why this year, I’ve decided to leave it to CultureMap readers to do a little virtual spin the bottle. I present: “Choose your Own Adventure: Steven’s Valentine.”

I’ll start you off with Kele Okereke, frontman of the English rock band, Bloc Party. You meet Okereke after a show at the Meridian and strike up a conversation about his Nigerian roots and your joint love for late British New Wave. After the band goes on tour, you assign yourself as the number one Band-Aid, winning Okereke’s heart. However, obligations bring you back to Houston, and the two of you embark on a beautiful, tortured long-distance relationship. You wake up to a midnight phone call. Do you answer?

Yes, you answer. It’s Kele, saying that the distance is killing him. Your relationship is dead. Do you continue to pursue musicians?

Of course you do! You’ve had your eyes set on Ramesh Srivastava, lead singer of Austin indie rock band Voxtrot ever since they headlined that Mixed Media event at MFAH. After careful research, you learn that the band is currently touring Portugal (and other indie countries), so you send Ramesh a friendly stream of Facebook messages informing him that he will be your Valentine. The next day, you receive an email that your Facebook activity has been reported as harassment, and your account has been deactivated. Where do you outlet your devastation?

You decide to brood over an espresso at coffeehouse Brasil, where a barista catches your attention (admit it – you have a weakness for the standoffish ones). You log into the Facebook alias that you created when you were 19 to infiltrate the underground community (yes, you did), and learn that his name is Grayson Castro, who has his own online alias, Grayson Coffee. You flag a busboy and ask about Grayson’s orientation and order another espresso – after all, it is quite exhausting deciphering a hipster’s sexuality. As you thoroughly analyze his Flickr photos (no signs of romance), a waitress stops at your table and whispers, “I heard him talking about an ex. An ex-girlfriend.” Do you call it quits?

No, clearly he dumped his girlfriend to date you! But persistent online stalking reveals that he is on the cusp of moving to San Francisco to pursue his art, and perhaps the fairer gender. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. You soon find yourself in bed, searching for the answers to unrequited love in college poetry anthologies. You come across the poem "Theory of beauty (Grackles on Montrose)" by poet and former UH creative writing prof, Mark Doty. The lyrical description of birds in the Disco Kroger parking lot gives you pause, and you abruptly decide to take a spontaneous road trip to visit Mark at his current home in New York City.

After knocking on the poet’s door (yes, you know where he lives), another poet, Paul Lisicky, answers the door. It becomes clear that Paul and Mark are almost 40 years your seniors – and civilly united. Do you try your hand at home wrecking?

No, you’re not that desperate. You hit the road and accidentally turn onto US Route 9. Incidentally, you’re headed to the Jersey Shore. Do you turn around?

No – you need to relax after all of this prowling around the world. You spend a day tanning on the beach, crisping to a perfect orange, and hit the bars. There, you meet an alluring guidette named Jenni Farley, also known as J-Woww from MTV’s Jersey Shore. You find her story of self-empowerment — getting breast augmentation as a 21st birthday gift to herself — inspiring, and accept her offer to go back to her beach house.

J-Woww’s slinger in the opening sequence – “I’m like a praying mantis: after I have sex with a guy, I will rip his head off” – sadly proves true. After a night of Hypnotic-fueled passion, J-Woww suddenly decapitates you. Your quest for a Valentine is over. Please scroll up and try again.