The Do's and Don't of Love
Things you don't want to call your lover: The worst pet names ever
Hey there sweetie pie.
How’s it going, sugar?
Pet names are the verbal equivalent of a peck on the cheek. You can’t go wrong! Actually … you can.
Over the years I've answered to some questionable pet names. The best way to figure out what your partner likes to be called? Ask! I sure wish I’d spoken up more than one or two times.
Here are the worst pet names I've encountered over the years:
1. "Jenny" I’m not near pleasant or cheery enough to ever warrant “Jenny.” (Though I did like it when a Palestinian guy called me this, don't know why. Maybe it was his accent. Accents allow you to get away with all kinds of crazy shit.)
2. "Lovey" — This would be OK if we had established that we're in love but that's never the case. Yeah, this pet name just pisses me off. WTF, you don't fucking love me. You barely know me.
Then I start thinking, hey, has anyone ever been in love with me? Ever? OK there was that one, maybe, but he was a psycho-pants and probably in love with the ceiling tiles. And that other one, but that was only after two fistfuls of Klonopin.
3. "Jennilove" or "Jenny-Love" — Combining two bad pet names doesn't work. I know that multiplying negative numbers in math makes a positive, so it’s possible you got confused. Sorry, this is different. (Side note: Yeah I know about math, no big deal.)
4. "Drunkie"— Recently one guy thought it was cute to remind me that I drink. I did not find this cute. I (drunkenly) explained to him that he wouldn't call a fat girl 'fattie' when he was trying to get in her fat pants, would he?
So why call a drunk "drunkie"? IT’S JUST NOT LOGICAL. He did not get in my drunk pants.
5. "Cutie" — I often see this in a text sent after midnight which reads something like, "Hey cutie, what are you up to?" Girls should interpret this as "Hey cutie, yes, I want you. I mean, not in a hang-out-during-the-day way or anything. But when I’m drunk I think you’re cute. Thought I'd clear that up for you, cutie." Thanks.
6. "Babe" — "Hey babe. Babe, get me a sandwich babe. Aw, babe! You didn't put mayo on it? Really?! Baaaaaabe!"
7. “Patterson”— This reminds me of gym class or the DMV, neither of which I have especially fond memories. Only call a girl a nickname inspired by her last name if you want to clarify that nothing sexual will ever happen between you two, ever. I remember wincing upon hearing a crush call me “J-Patt,” my hopes of romance dashed in two syllables.
8. "Honey pot"— This sort of makes me feel like you're talking about a vagina. I wish you wouldn't confuse me with my vagina because, yes, we're connected but I'm not just a vagina. Also it brings to mind Winnie the Pooh. Not sexy. That bear is in denial about what size shirt he wears, has serious food issues and is possibly OCD.
What is in that honey anyway — codeine?! (Plus, and I don’t mean to hate, but I'm fairly sure he is a virgin and/or does not have a working penis.)
9. "Little girl" — This was said to me by a guy nine years my senior and made me feel like an ugly Lolita. Please don’t call your date your “little girl.” And definitely don't refer to yourself as “daddy.” Those of us who weren't molested as children may have trouble getting into this.
10. Whatever pet name you called your last girlfriend. I'm all for recycling and being green and all, but if you reuse a pet name on us we will find out. We girls are stalkers like that. It’s easy: your ex’s boss’s daughter is friends with me on Facebook. (Or your ex-girlfriend is batshit and told me everything in a drunken e-mail. Either way.)
11. "Kitten" – This is something creepy old men say that makes a girl shudder and reevaluate her life choices. You know, you hear “kitten” and you think to yourself, god maybe I should have taken that job in Denver. Because look at me now: I'm at a dive in a slutty dress answering to an old guy who calls me “kitten.”
Then the guy who calls you “cutie” texts and you really get depressed. (Note: 'Kittentits' is acceptable because once a pet name ascends to a certain level of creepiness it just works. Hard to explain, has a lot to do with integers and math, very complicated.)