I’m taking a vacation from my usual vacation plans this year.
Instead of battling for breathing room at TSA security, waiting for my plane to depart while enjoying a cold, double-priced chicken sandwich and fries, taking forever to reach my seat because someone brought Celine Dion’s wardrobe trunk onboard and it won’t fit in the overhead compartment, sitting for nine hours next to someone who snores like a circus elephant and hogs the armrest, then landing 15 minutes ahead of schedule but there’s a plane at our gate so we’ll have to sit on the runway for30 minutes, then calling for an Uber into town …I’m going cruising next time.
I never thought of myself as a cruise guy. I used to think of cruises as the last hour of a wedding reception when only the drunks are still there, the band has left, someone finds a karaoke machine, and there will be icy conversations on the way home and apologies the next morning.
A Royal affair
Recently, Royal Caribbean International invited a couple thousand journalists, travel agents, and tourism professionals to the opening of its $125 million, 161,334-square foot cruise terminal in Galveston.
As we reported last year, it’s the largest everything: the largest cruise terminal in Texas capable of handling the largest ships in Royal Caribbean’s fleet, including the Allure of the Seas, which is 1,187-feet long, and sails with up to 6,780 guests and 2,200 crew members aboard.
By the numbers, that’s four times the population of Southside Place inside the Loop.
Also by the numbers: The Allure of the Seas is a football field longer and more buoyant than some little ship called The Titanic. It’s the largest cruise ship ever to sail from Galveston and have its home base in Texas.
Royal Caribbean’s new Terminal 3 is powered by 30,000 feet of on-site solar panels. The terminal is next to Pier 10 in Galveston Port and will process more than 630,000 passengers each year climbing aboard the Allure of the Seas and Royal Caribbean’s other large ships.
The gleaming terminal took roughly 18 months to build. If that's the case, then how come the 4-bedroom stucco house on a 50-by-100 lot at end of my block has taken two years — and it’s not close to done? (On the bright side, there’s a dumpster in the driveway that now holds half the junk previously cluttering my attic.)
No ordinary terminal
Royal Caribbean’s new terminal isn’t like anything at Bush-Intercontinental Airport. There aren’t T-shirt shops, newsstands, and restaurants. There’s no need for restaurants. The ship is right there down the gang plank and the buffet is open.
Royal Caribbean’s terminal has one purpose, to unload the passengers on disembarkation morning and load passengers a few hours later for embarkation. Cruise ships’ turnaround time is fast. Here’s a twist from airports – all the lanes for inspection and boarding are open.
Royal Caribbean's Allure of the Seas cruise ship and brand new Galveston terminal are showstoppers.
There’s a novel idea for IAH: I got through security and boarding in 10 minutes.
Guests at the ribbon cutting were invited to test-drive a short dress rehearsal cruise aboard the Allure of the Seas. As we covered last March, the Allure of the Seas is enormous with 18 stories — I mean decks — and 24 guest elevators. The ship weighs 225,282 gross tons, which given the way a cruise ship feeds passengers, gets grosser each day at sea. Normal cruising speed is 22 knots. I have no idea how fast that is.
Ken on deck
I settled into a stateroom on Deck 12. It had a queen bed, a couch, desk, bathroom, and a balcony big enough for two chairs and a table. My room was visited by staff twice a day who cleaned it faster than I could messy it. I was by myself so the state room was plenty big. Two people could stay there comfortably. Three, you’re pushing it. Four, fistfights.
More than anything else, I was struck by the value of taking a cruise. You can take a four-night cruise that visits Cozumel, Mexico for $242, which includes your inside cabin, entertainment, activities and all you can eat three meals a day plus late-night burgers and pizza. A five-night cruise stopping at two ports can be as low as $270. Royal Caribbean cruises out of Galveston grow up to 15-nights, one-way to Spain, or through the Panama Canal to the west coast, starting at $755 per person.
Of course, prices are higher for more desirable staterooms (exterior balcony rooms and suites up to two bedrooms), and there are add-on costs for drink packages, Internet, salon damage control, and certain specialty restaurants.
There is a main dining room with full service that is included in your basic cruise price. The dining room holds 3,000 guests and has two seatings — early and late — for dinner.
A spectacular feast
I could be happy eating at the Windjammer buffet every meal for the rest of my life. Imagine a Hollywood producer throws a wedding for his last — and least attractive — daughter and goes all out for thousands of guests who must attend or they’ll never work in this town again. That’s the buffet on the Allure of the Seas. It’s huge, wildly popular yet illogically never crowded. I don’t wait to eat. (Editor's note: This is true.)
Each morning, I ate my weight in lox and bagels. Do you know how expensive lox is? The free breakfast alone covers the price of your cruise. Lunch and dinner had a spectacular array of food with multiple international cuisines. One night there was an Italian station that included chicken parm, my favorite.
I considered pulling up a chair to the buffet — but that would be bad cruise etiquette. Three times a day, I would walk briskly to the buffet and waddle back to my room. A daily malt at Johnny Rocket’s didn’t help. Two guys named Ben & Jerry were accomplices.
There are sinks designed for washing hands at the buffet entrance. A staffer points you to the sinks. And by points, I mean, hey you, wash up. There are hand sanitizer dispensers throughout public areas and staffers were constantly wiping down banisters, elevator buttons and everything that comes in human contact. I liked that.
One big onboard party
Everywhere there are bars, the ship is one floating bacchanalian (awesome word) festival. The large casino with table games and slots opened about a few hours after we left port. That’s when something amazing happened. I put $10 into a slot machine, pulled the handle one time and it came up double bars across the middle row. I won $100! Here’s the amazing part: I cashed out and never went back. I left a casino a winner for the first time. Oh, I’ve hit jackpots before but always gave it back and then some. This time, I walked.
I almost won a second time — at the daily trivia contest. I was teamed up with a travel agent and her plus-one husband. We missed on “What southern U.S. city named fora city in Egypt did Andrew Jackson help create?” We answered Alexandria. The correct answer was Memphis. I never knew there was a city in Egypt called Memphis.
The Allure of the Seas has seven themed “neighborhoods,” like Central Park and Boardwalk, complete with a merry-go-round. There are Broadway production shows like Mamma Mia! at night. I went to the comedy club where one of the comics advised — and I don’t know if this is true — don’t get frisky on your balcony, because there are cameras everywhere, you know, just in case. I thought, if he’s trying to discourage people from canoodling on the balcony, that’s not an effective deterrent. I mean, some people…
There was a sports deck, rock climbing, mini golf, and a full-sized basketball court. I played HORSE with children. There was a zip line nine stories high, waterslides and two surf simulators. There’s an ice show and aerial performers. Most people sipped adult beverages and lounged around the various pools. There’s stuff to do all day and through the night. I never got bored. I had the best time. I brought a book with me, never touched it.
We stopped for a day in Cozumel where passengers visited pharmacies for certain medications that CVS at home keeps behind the counter. (Put it this way, onboard canoodling lasted longer than usual that night. But after four hours, you might want to call somebody.) There’s a Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville restaurant onshore and a non-stop row of bars. The beach was clean, the sand super white and the water shimmering blue. Maybe some U.S. tourists should think about keeping their T-shirts on.
Changing course on cruising
Here’s how much my view of cruising turned 180. My next vacation will be a full 7-day cruise to somewhere from Galveston. Even the end of a cruise is terrific.
Consider the last day of your Disney vacation: You leave your hotel at 10 am for your noon flight. Security at Orlando airport isn’t fun times. Then you’re trapped in a too-skinny seat for two hours on a packed plane, followed by waiting for everybody to get their carry-on down from the overheads, then take forever to squeeze down the aisle to the exit door, then downstairs to baggage claim, then the shuttle to the Parking Spot. By the time you get in your car, it’s been a five or six-hour stress test.
On the final day of your cruise, you get up, have breakfast, and get off the ship at your leisure — let’s say 8 am. Your car is waiting right there at a parking lot. You’re on I-45 in five minutes and home before 9 am — in time for your second breakfast.
Right now, I’m checking schedules for my summertime cruise. On the advice of my trivia contest partner, I’ll be using a travel agent. Why? They know the best deals and if something goes wrong, a travel agent is your friend. Plus, she takes a lot of cruises and I want to win the trivia contest next time.
What's your best — or worst — cruise experience? Let Ken know at ken@culturemap.com or on Twitter.
