The NCAA Tournament finished with what was probably the most unlikely Final Four ever. Everyone who studied all the odds and made all the "smart" picks floundered (us included), and it turned out some fourth grader who let their turtle pick the winners had the best bracket in the nation.

Unless said turtle had strong convictions of his picks, it would appear as though we can pick these winners by random.

What we need to do, as a sports nation, is embrace the variance that sports provides. No one method of choosing winners is better than others. (Just for the record, every human on earth could have filled out a bracket, not one being the same, and we'd still be nowhere near close to the odds of getting a perfect bracket filled out.)

In order to make the best of this situation — with the NBA Playoffs underway — this time, The Sports Bros. are throwing our conventional knowledge out the window.

We are going to choose winners based on mascots. If a turtle can do it, so can we.

Eastern Conference: Round 1

Bulls vs. Pacers
This is an easy one. Look no further than the for real version of this matchup in the running of the bulls at Pamplona. If you're a runner that merely keeps "pace," with a bull? You're going to get the horns.

Winner: Bulls over Pacers. It's not even close despite that Game 1 scare for Chicago.

Magic vs. Hawks
Seeing as how Magic is at best a silly card game that boy scouts play on camp outs, I look for the majestic Hawk to dominate. Hawks have eyes that can spy mice in a freaking corn field. How's a boy scout gonna compete with that?

Winner: Hawks over Magic, but it's close.

Celtics vs. Knicks
When was the last time ever you saw someone in ridiculous pants? (Pour one out for Payne Stewart.)

Knickerboxers don't win games. Real talk: We're also pretty sure there's not a movie called Knick Pride with Damon Wayans and Daniel Stern.

Winner: Celtics over Knicks. Wayans trumps Stewart.

Heat vs. 76ers
This is just simple math. When you think Heat, you think over 98 degrees (and probably rising). And 98 > 76 every day, ergo the Heat win.

Winner: Heat dominate the 76ers.

Eastern Conference: Semifinals

Bulls vs. Hawks
This is a battle of fierce animals, so we will naturally decide who wins based upon who can go longer without food. As professional animalogists, it's obvious that because have Bulls have more fat stored up, they win.

Winner: Bulls over Hawks in a game of pure survival.

Heat vs. Celtics
Celtics are situated largely in the United Kingdom spread over parts of Wales and Ireland mostly. In April, their average temperature is somewhere in the low 50s. This is largely influenced by the Atlantic Ocean and its latitude, but the fact remains that they just aren’t used to this type of heat.

Winner: Heat gets to the Celtics. Gatorade can't help them.

Eastern Conference Finals

Bulls vs. Heat
We’ve previously discussed that Bulls roam the streets of Spain and the Heat’s largest weapon is its temperature. Spain is much more accustomed to that climate so I think they withstand the wave of scorching temperatures and emerge victorious. In fact, most Spaniards relish the heat and hit the beaches, blatantly disregarding the sun's force.

Winner: Bulls over Heat.

Western Conference: First Round

Spurs vs. Grizzlies
This one is where the system may lead us to differ from prognosticators. But from where we sit, if you put Spurs to a horse, no big deal. But you try and spur a grizzly bear? Well, that’s asking for a world of hurt. Ask Grizzly Man himself. If you could.

Winner: Grizzlies over Spurs.

Thunder vs. Nuggets:
Follow along with my stream of consciousness if you will: Nuggets, as in golden nuggets, as in found in mountains, as in snowy mountains. Now you add a massive thunder clap to that? Boom. Avalanche.

Winner: Thunder over Nuggets. Thunder owns snowy mountains, which, as we see it, is correlated to Nuggets.

Mavericks vs. Trail Blazers:
According to Merriam Webster, a maverick can be defined as an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party. Therefore I suppose one could say that a maverick “blazes trails”, right? So the Mavericks are really responsible for the Trail Blazers existence. The Maverick giveth, and the Maverick taketh away.

Winner: Mavericks over Blazers. In this case, it’s the Maverick taking away a shot at the title from the Trail Blazers.

Lakers vs. Hornets
This is simple science. Everyone knows that Hornets are not amphibious and can’t swim. You put a Hornet into a lake and surely it will drown. Lakers in a walk.

Winner: Lakers over Hornets. Game 1 was a fluke.

Western Conference Semifinals

Grizzlies vs. Thunder
As much as Spurs ignite the fire in a grizzly bear, the grizzly bear is still deathly afraid of loud noises. Take it from us: If you come face to face with a bear, just yell at it. Surely nothing bad will happen. It’s either that or get in a martial arts battle with it.

Winner: Thunder over Grizzlies.

Mavericks vs. Lakers:
Mavericks are known as forward thinkers. They tend to go outside the box, but even the shrewdest of mavericks can only spin their wheels attempting to figure out why a team in Los Angeles is named for lakes. The Mavericks will lose out in utter confusion.

Winner: Lakers over Mavericks.

Western Conference Finals

Thunder vs. Lakers
This is a battle of nature. And although it's inherently harmless, I, Barry, was afraid of Thunder as a kid. I did not fear lakes. I found Thunder haunting. It was like a ghost that foretold the comings of great storms that would surely destroy my house.

Lakes? Eh. Just some water with a few turtles palling around.

Winner: Thunder over Lakers.

NBA Championship

Bulls vs. Thunder
We’ve seen Bulls overcome lame walkers, crafty birds and scorching temperatures to get here. The Thunder have taken on the likes of snowy mountains, bears, and large bodies of freshwater. Two very different paths, but it all comes down to one thing: The Bulls (in)ability to be intimidated by the Thunder’s ability to make loud noises.

In this case, we say no. The Bulls are focused. They see red; they charge. The Bulls gore their way to a championship. It will be a proud moment for the Bovidae family.

NBA Champions: Chicago Bulls.