The Sports Bros.
Morey's mandate: The Rockets need to offer contracts to Andre Johnson andBrittney Griner
Andre Johnson
The Undertaker
Trevor Bayne
Brittney Griner
The NBA trade deadline came and went for the Rockets and, much to some people's dismay, Houston didn't make a big splash. (Melo's wearing the Knicks' blue and orange.) Hasheem Thabeet and Goran Dragic — along with two future protected first round lottery picks — did come this way and Houston has gone on an unexpected 6-1 surge to climb back to .500 heading into Monday night's game in Sacramento, but ... blah blah blah ...
Enough with the over analysis.
The only real upside in the immediate future is listening to Clyde Drexler try some color commentary on games featuring players he's never seen before.
To be successful in basketball, you need to do one of two things:
- Be elite
- Bottom out
If you’re elite, you’re a big market team that can attract big-name free agents (think teams like the Knicks, Celtics, Lakers, Heat). Conversely, if you bottom out, you can land a game changing draft pick that will propel your team to future glory. Kevin Durant did it with the Thunder. Blake Griffin is doing it with the Clippers — at least in publicity and buzz, if not in the standings. Tim Duncan did it with the Spurs.
The one thing missing from that list above? Be in the middle. Which is exactly where the Rockets are.
No game changing draft picks are coming Houston's way, and general manager Daryl Morey's countless attempts to land a big name free agent have all come up empty. Morey fancies himself a clever man, but the Sports Bros. are more clever. Since the Rockets are stuck in the middle, it's time to start getting creative. It's time to shake things up.
Let's start poaching from other sports.
Listen up, Morey. Take a chance on these guys and you'll thank us after you're holding the championship trophy.
Andre Johnson:
The Rockets lack toughness. They don’t have a real leader that imposes the will of the team onto others. Read: No one is afraid of the Rockets. With the impending lockout coming for NFL players, we think 'Dre might be looking for some work. Everyone saw what the Miami man can do to pesky annoyances like Cortland Finnegan out on the football field. We'd love to watch him go toe to toe with Kyle Korver, Mehmet Okur and Sasha Vujacic. He’s a crazy-good athlete who will make those six personal fouls a game count.Trevor Bayne:
The Rockets are now a long shot to contend in the near future, so who better acquire than Mr. Long Shot himself? Bayne shocked anyone who pays attention to NASCAR by winning the Daytona 500 this February. From 2007-2010 Bayne earned roughly $1.7 million. With his win at Daytona he almost matched that, netting a purse of nearly $1.5 million. The Rockets need a guy who can provide that type of return on investment. And honestly, he's a good-looking dude— there's a good chance he’ll attract more broads to games, thus making guys like us more likely to go to games. The number of beautiful women at games and the number of games attended are directly proportional.The Undertaker:
I know that age and health are a big concern here, but it's a risk we're willing to take. The Rockets are missing a dominant big man, someone who clogs up the middle and changes shots. A real man to be feared when that guard is thinking about driving to the hole. What better person to fill that role the deacon of death himself, The Undertaker? He’s not scared of anybody. I’ve seen him choke slam Randy Orton into a casket. If you can promise me a pile driver on Joakim Noah through Drexler’s announcing table, I’d be a season ticket holder in a heartbeat. Plus, I think he’ll put the folding bench seats to great use. Just teach him some good low post moves and throw him out there. Gold.Brittney Griner:
If you combine Andre Johnson, The Undertaker, and the predator all in one, you get Griner, the Houston native and dominant force for the third-ranked women's basketball team in the land. She would be a monster to be reckoned with. Her thunderous dunks, her merciless defense in the middle and the willingness to break other girls noses on the court makes her a great fit for the Rockets. Houston sports in general lacks meanness. I say the Rockets turn heel and draft this lady! We’d also pick up so much publicity for being the first NBA team to draft a woman. All that extra income Houston gets from China will have to be made up somewhere with Yao Ming on the way out. Jersey sales? They'll be off the charts. Morey can start planning for his appearance on Oprah now.
