The Carrie Underwood Effect: How Canada can protect hockey stars from Americaningenues
Country blondes just can't win.
First it was the Dixie Chicks banned by radio stations around the country for making a crack about George W. Bush in London. Now a radio station in Ottawa has banned Carrie Underwood tracks in the wake of her hockey player husband's trade to Nashville.
Putting aside our surprise that Canadian stations played Carrie Underwood music to begin with (between Bryan Adams and the Barenaked Ladies, I guess) let's not pretend the trade was Mike Fisher's decision. After all, it was down by the team (exchanging an expensive, aging, and underperforming star for two draft picks) and Fisher has already issued a statement that Underwood had nothing to do with the trade.
Not that that's ever stopped the media from blaming the wives and girlfriends for their athlete husbands' unpopular career moves.
But international commuting aside, who would ever choose to go from the Posh and Becks of Ottawa to Underwood-and-her-husband-oh-isn't-that-cute-he-plays-hockey in Nashville. To misquote Milton (and Lucifer), it's better to reign in Ottawa than be an afterthought in Nashville.
But if Canada is still sore about losing their hockey stars to American ingenues, I've got some suggestions.
1. Make hockey players uglier. Once upon a time, no respectable celebrity wanted to marry a hockey player because they were big boors with bad teeth and a proclivity to violence. Then somewhere between Gretzky, Mike Modano and Henrik Lundqvist, they got a lot hotter. Maybe enforce the wearing of a full beard instead of sexy stubble?
2. Play hard to get. Actresses feed off rejection — how else do you explain going through the rigorous audition process?
So to get them to respect you, Canada, you've got to start acting less desperate and a little more aloof. The next time there's a home game against the Penguins, make Hilary Duff wait 20 minutes for her box tickets and see what happens.
3. Play up your assets. Ottawa has the world's longest ice skating rink, the Canadian Parliament buildings and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Musical Ride Centre. If that's not worthy of a billboard, I don't know what is. Also if there's someone you can bribe to make Uggs come back into fashion (Anna Wintour?), it's worth a shot.
4. Make The NovSco happen.