It's almost Valentine's Day and whether you are in the process of making arrangements out of obligation — because your better half will kick your butt if you don't — or you are actually into this over-commercialized holiday of mass lame greeting card distribution, in the end, everyone truly just wants to get someone in the sack.

Isn't that where romance leads anyway? Romance is just another way to disguise your carnal intentions.

I realize that sounds crass, and perhaps negative. Bear with me for a bit.

I've never been much of a romantic and by romance, I mean dramatic cheesy gestures. I suppose it just takes longer to get to the final destination. Although I do think we should stop and smell the roses — spare me the stereotypical long stem red. Anything that distracts too much from getting from point A to B is just wasteful.

Connection is important, and maybe some people call that romance. Although I appreciate the spirit of the holiday, expressing affection for someone doesn't have to be so grand, laborious or exclusive. A small gesture goes a long way, like picking up my laundry, taking out the dog or getting me my favorite beer.

And yet, most will try to find a trendy chic, expensive and upscale restaurant as part of the courting ritual in an attempt to create an artificial environment. Agreed, food is important. But as couples enjoy traditional Valentine's Day fare, the heaviness of the typical food aphrodisiacs like filet mignon, lobster, oysters, wine, champagne, chocolate bon-bons, moist liquid oozing flourless torte and crème brûlée will cancel out any chances of the deed ever being done in favor of feeling bloated and passing out on the couch.

What's the point of eating anything that will make you feel like crap later?

That's not sexy at all, nor romantic.

So, what do you do? Simply, do "it" before you go out. That would solve the problem, unless a nap is required post coitus.

Or, if you want to partake in the courting rituals of the common folk, try choosing foods (and portions) that will enhance and not ruin the experience. Vegan food aphrodisiacs are plentiful.

Bananas
I know this choice is rather obvious, robust phallus allusions aside, bananas are a rich source of everything to help you get it on.

Bananas are rich in potassium and B vitamins, nutrients required for sexual hormone production. A healthy amount of the bromelain enzyme increases testosterone levels. Having three sugars — sucrose, fructose and glucose — bananas give you energy to attempt all nighters.

Eat them raw, peeling them seductively, or for a more sophisticated presentation, mousse them up with some silken tofu, a drizzle of raw agave nectar, a tap of cinnamon and some finely chopped nuts or coconut for added crunch.

Chocolate
Most chocolate comes loaded with cream, butter and additional unnatural ingredients. But real chocolate, pure chocolate, is loaded with antioxidants to help increase blood flow, up there for relaxation, and down there for stimulation.

It may even lower some of your inhibitions, providing an opportunity to break out that whip and those furry handcuffs. Indulge in the dark varieties and take yourself for a ride. Eat it raw, or melt a bit and dip some fresh crisp berries, bananas or your finger.

Almonds
High protein and fiber content make almonds a sexy favorite. Zinc from this friendly nut is associated with keeping men potent while vitamin E keeps your skin radiant, smooth and sexy. Avoid the over-salted and flavored varieties to prevent bloating.

Eat them raw, slowly and in moderation, or spread almond butter on your favorite cracker, top with a raspberry and drizzle with a bit of raw agave nectar. If you are feeling sassy, almond oil is a fun accessory.

Nutmeg
In large quantities, nutmeg has a hallucinogenic effect. But used in small quantities, this seed is capable of increasing sexual libido and potency in men.

Many think of nutmeg as more of a fall type flavoring and its popular uses in chai, pumpkin recipes, egg nog, crème brûlée and traditional Swiss cheese fondue. Try sprinkling some in your coffee, soups, eggplant, broccoli, beans and onions.

Figs
An open fig has a close resemblance to a vagina and accompanying organs — it is said that Adam and Eve covered their private parts with fig leafs. Ripe figs should be juicy, succulent and high in minerals that stimulate arousal.

Cut them in half to enjoy their seductive shape, or make them into a smooth cocktail by blending them with a little soy milk, a little vodka, a dash of cinnamon and some nutmeg.