Oh mah gah. Do we have the best news for you or what?

Are you ready? Wait for it, wait for it — Verizon is getting an iPhone!

Uh, yeah. You knew that, like, a year ago. But the hype has finally hit a fever pitch, culminating with the rumors really, really becoming a reality on Tuesday. Really.

So, Verizon is getting an iPhone. Great. AT&T has had the iPhone for the last four years. And now, at long last, Verizon is finally able to climb aboard the trendiest smartphone wagon of them all, and wave the flag of victory high above its sloppy seconds head.

Well, pin a rose on Verizon's nose.

But why should you care?

You really shouldn't. The Verizon iPhone won't eradicate widespread hunger, won't cure terminal diseases and certainly won't solve long-standing international conflicts.

We know you, though. You'll go mad with envy anyway.

Current iPhone lovers — AT&T suckers (like yours truly), if you will — will feel stuck and shafted, rueing the AT&T's-way-or-the-highway decision that reluctantly led them to signing a two-year death wish with the country's worst service provider in the first place. Oh, the things we do for love.

Then there are the holier-than-thou T-Mobile and Sprint subscribers, that have spent their energy justifying their superior (to AT&T) service as an excuse for their subpar smartphones with subpar apps. This lot will now cease wasting time regaling you with stories of their comparatively infallible carriers — it's well-known that Verizon is the biggest and (almost) the best of them all.

And what about those Verizon diehards, paying premium monthly bills and blindly believing this day would come for years? Well, broke disciples, you've been vindicated. You can finally stop salivating and sink your teeth into the (arguably) most superior smartphone on the market. For a pretty penny, mind you.

Oh, and Verizon lovers? You thought Verizon treated you as a number and not a subscriber before? Soon you'll be begging for the good ol' days of 2010, when you were able to speak to a rude representative on the phone about your litany of customer service issues. 'Cause when the iPhone comes a-knocking at Verizon, the masses upon masses will come a-flocking.

Think things will stay perfect in Verizon dataland with the inevitable crush of eager new converts? Think again.

Take it from someone who has, at one point, paid a portion of her paychecks (or student loan disbursements) to AirTouch Cellular, Cingular, Sprint, Verizon, and currently AT&T — in the end, your cell phone provider doesn't matter one damn bit.

Why? No matter how you slice it, from sea to shining sea, there are a few things all U.S. cellular carriers have in common — dropped calls, unreasonable prices, spotty coverage, frustrating policies, and jerks on the other end of the 15-minute wait. And that's only the tip of the antenna.

So you'll have to excuse me if I don't believe that the iPhone expanding into Verizon territory is a game changer in the least. Until a cell phone can out-function the standard Alexander Graham Bell creation, this is one digital duel that isn't worth refreshing.