The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or Escape to Bitch Mountain?

It was a toss-up this week on Bravo in an episode full of epic and incomprehensible fights. But don’t expect Manny Pacquiao’s lightning hands. Round two of the housewife battle royal just kept going and going and going.

When last we left our hapless housewives, Kyle Richards and Camille Grammer were slinging the mud at New York restaurant Serafina. We now return you to that regularly scheduled cat fight:

Camille: “I don’t lie.”

Kyle: “Then you hallucinate.”

The confusion continues as Camille starts to blame Lisa in her video diary. She says, “It was very Machiavellic [sic] in its nature.” Wow, Camille, you really made the most of Great Books of Western Culture (on 12 cassette tapes).

Machiavelli once said, “It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”

Taylor clearly prefers to be feared. When Kim accuses her of calling Camille insecure, she says, “I’m about to take you out back and pull some Oklahoma on your ass.”

What is this, Deliverance, Beverly Hills style?

With the scent of blood in the air, sisters Kyle and Kim can’t resist the opportunity to attack one another.

Kyle: “You are not being my sister right now.”

Kim: “You need to stay in your place, pal.”

The fight dribbles off into half-hearted sobs and a few sloppy insults as Kim stares around with her crazy eyes.

Some of you, dear readers, might be old enough to remember Kim’s thrilling performances in the 1975 Escape to Witch Mountain and the equally popular sequel three years later, Return from Witch Mountain. If you’re a bit younger, we hope that at the least you were lucky enough to see her in that sophisticated art house favorite Meatballs Part II.

We’re wondering if Kim sees these present-day episodes of The Real Housewives as some kind of long overdue sequel, since she often behaves like the psychic alien she portrayed in her youth.

When the women file out from Serafina the night of “the incident,” all Kim can do is stare at her napkin. Later, at an incredibly dull New York luncheon minus Camille, she tries to repair the damage done to her sister Kyle by presenting her with a bracelet she designed.

“Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday, and I started a jewelry line because of my mom,” she explains with a glazed look.

Remember Lynne, the crazy jewelry-designing housewife in Orange County? She was the psychic alien type as well. Kim manages to dilute the impact of the peace offering by passing out bracelets to the others. They quickly close the cases and start to work on their romaine salads.

Back in Beverly Hills, Adrienne prepares for her uncle’s funeral. Her husband, the Shrek-esque Paul, means to be helpful, but he struggles to help her with an opulent multi-stranded pearl necklace (with cross).

“Come on,” she says, “you’re a surgeon.” With those rolly-polly fingers? Shrek makes a few gestures of putting something in a hole with his finger before giving up on the necklace, fiddling with the thermostat, and then tying his tie very slowly all the while chanting “We’re not late!”

We’d guess Adrienne’s not feeling the love, but she claims such bickering is normal for an eight-year marriage. We’re thinking she’s about eight years late for her seven year itch. Can’t she find herself a tastier morsel somewhere in Beverly Hills? Is Camille’s sexy “buddy” Nick available or does he escort only one married woman at a time?

The camera cuts cleverly between the cities, as if Bravo could just pan from one Housewives empire to another. By the time we hit the actual opening, all the girls are nervous and all bets are off. Over the red carpet, Kelsey Grammer’s name is in lights — as is a picture of him looking like a roller-disco zombie.

Camille walks the red carpet imagining the paparazzi are all calling her name with correspondence-course French accents. She may not know the language of love but she sure knows how the French kiss, and she demonstrates it with buddy Nick.

“Is this the first time you’ve ever seen your husband in drag?”asks one reporter. Camille declines to answer. Apparently she hasn’t yet taken the correspondence course on how to deal with the press.

“Yes,” with a chuckle, would have been a better answer as we’re left wondering about “the first time.” Later, Camille explains how you only have a short gap during intermission to use the ladies room, and Kim staggers out after the others have finished. You know, psychic communication with Witch Mountain requires time and privacy. Give her a break, Camille!

It’s a standing ovation for Kelsey Grammer at the finish of La Cage aux folles, and then Camille tries to visit him in his bright pink dressing room. He thanks her for coming, as if she were merely an acquaintance. His loosened belt is hanging out from under his shirt and for some reason, the camera lingers on it.

At the after-party, he’s more cordial as mirrored balls spin and he visits with the women. In an aside, he becomes more introspective, saying “I guess the best that you can hope for in a long relationship is that you married someone who is decent and nice.” Camille? Decent? Or even worse, nice?

Readers, we here at “Aftershocks” take credit for the most satisfying moment in the episode. Back in Beverly Hills, When scruffy Nick arrives chez Camille to have a post-New York chat, Camille’s clearly reading The Art of War. You might remember we wrote a whole column about Danielle Staub’s art of war on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Admit it, Bravo. You planted a copy on set to make sure Camille was in fighting form. We bet she has been studying her “Aftershocks” to plan for a successful season in Beverly Hills. It’s OK, Camille. We don’t mind sharing our wisdom.

We’ll even do a free consultation. Call us.