Aftershocks: Real Housewives of D.C.
What did the Washington Redskins cheerleaders really think of Michaele Salahi?Let's not wine about it
If you couldn’t tell it was a full moon last night, all you had to do was tune it to The Real Housewives of D.C.
It was lunacy and strange transformation everywhere. Formerly-cool Stacie and Jason morphed into arch-conservatives. Bit-player Erika drove Cat to tears in front of her kids. Mary madly misquoted the Constitution as she took a civics lesson from daughter Lolly, and Michaele and Tareq fancied themselves the chosen saviors of the Virginia wine industry.
And it’s not even Halloween yet!
We thought it best that you hear directly from the horses mouths, so here are a few of our favorite dumb sentiments uttered this week.
Stacie says, “Jason and I understand that people have different lifestyles, but it’s way more black and white than that. Marriage is between a man and a woman.”
Stacie’s magical words came at a meeting with D.C. Councilman-at-Large David Catania, who invited cast members to discuss the House “Marriage Equality” bill that would extend the right to marry to gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people. Apparently for Stacie, the rainbow just doesn’t include pink.
Readers, we weren’t the only ones who did a double-take. Stylist Paul Wharton wasn’t having any of it, and in a video interview made it clear that he wasn’t willing to be friends with anyone against gay marriage.
When Jason tried to claim that the big problem in the debate was that conservatives feel unsafe expressing their opinions without being called homophobes, Paul wasn’t having any of that, either.
“Maybe you are a homophobe,” he said to the shock of all. “You just don’t want to be called it.” And that was the smartest quote in the entire show.
Later, when Stacie proposed civil unions for gays and marriage for heterosexuals, Catania reminded her that “separate but equal” didn’t work out so well in the past. This seemed to ring a bell, if faintly. Do Stacie and Jason really expect the apocalypse if their friend Paul marries a man or if hair stylist Ted Gibson and his partner tie the knot? We think Stacie should be more accepting. She needs gays in her life. Just look at her clothes and hair lately.
“I wanna try and make some art, make some money for me,” says Mary’s lazy daughter Lolly during a family meeting.
Twenty-three-year-old Lolly liked the business cards she got at her recent job as an executive assistant, but the excitement wore off after 10 minutes, so she eventually quit. And things didn’t work out with her last boyfriend, either, so she moved back home. Last time we checked, these were the obvious signs of a loser.
In a voiceover, father Rich wonders why Lolly would want to actually work, since mom covers her mobile bill and auto expenses, not to mention her food and shelter.
Haven’t we seen this scenario before? Both Ashley in New Jersey and Raquel in Orange County enjoyed loafing and sponging off the folks. Lolly negotiates another four months past her scheduled eviction from the nest, ostensibly to work on her paintings and photography. We never get to see any of this profitable art Lolly is talking about, but we imagine collectors everywhere will be clamoring to pay top dollar for it!
“Now I’m cheering at a winery and meeting world leaders,” Michaele enthuses after a workout with the cheerleaders for the Washington Redskins. As a former cheer-practitioner herself, she likes to hang with the girls now and again. “I feel like I’m 20 again,” she tells the dour sycophant she employs as a personal assistant.
Mary had another take on Michaele’s past: “I’ve known Michaele since the nineties when she sold me makeup. And she’s so full of shit.”
But now, thanks to hubby Tareq, Michaele can meet world leaders by crashing political events and still have time to save wine-makers across the whole commonwealth of Virginia.
Although legal injunctions seem to still prevent this dynamic duo from actually making wine, they meet with Virginia state delegate Dave Albo to discuss legislation that threatens vintners such as themselves. The irony is rich — like a full bodied Merlot — as Michaele describes Tareq as the elected savior of wine.
“Even though we’re not active and open right now,” she confides, “there’s other wineries that need our help. And they’ve been reaching out to Tareq like every day saying ‘What are we gonna do? We’re lost without you man.' "
Substitute “dude” for “man” and her transformation to California blonde would be complete!
But the story doesn’t stop there. Tareq and Michaele approach ghost-writer Matt Carson for a book project about the trials and tribulations of not running Oasis, their failed winery. Tentatively titled Wine, War and Roses, the project sounds so tempting to Matt that he wants at least 20 percent of the book to be his own commentary. After all, he has plenty of insight to share, since he worked at Oasis before becoming a successful ghost writer.
We have a better idea for saving the Virginia wine industry, which is obviously falling apart in the hands of straight couples. Let us get married in Virginia and we’ll agree to spruce up every last vineyard with disco balls and topiary. Stylish salons, charming bistros, and vintage boutiques will dot the landscape.
Really, we’re so good at this sort of thing!