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    Not Nan

    The season of the bitch ends in deaths & messy threesomes: Where True Blood goesfrom here

    Tarra Gaines
    Sep 12, 2011 | 11:45 am
    • True Blood no longer has Nan.
    • Snooki's still around though, still slightly annoying, still unsure who sheshould be with.
    • Season 5 of vampire mayhem is already on tap.

    Did you see that beautiful full moon Sunday night, Houston? It certainly provided ambient lighting for a final visit to Bon Temps, Louisiana, the hometown of HBO’s ratings-gorging supernatural, southern gothic soap opera, True Blood. Early during the cable giant’s promotions for 2011, the network promised viewers this would be the season of the witch.

    While the villains of season four were indeed a couple of angry witches, they were just two of many ass-kicking women that helped the season of the witch become the season of the bitch.

    Last year during season three, the testosterone flowed almost as much the blood did with the fight against the vampire king of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, and his pack of werewolves minions dominating the plots. This season the women grabbed all the power and boy, or rather girl, did they get their bitch on.

    Sure vampire/vampire/part-faerie menage a trois relationships must struggle against society’s ignorance and disdain, but the romantic in me thinks True Blood threesome love will conquer all.

    The season began with Anna Paquin’s Sookie Stackhouse, the show’s ever plucky, though frequently annoying, telepathic heroine combating a violently hospitable faerie queen and ended with Sookie combating the spirit of recently deceased witch Marnie Stonebrook, played by the great Irish actress Fiona Shaw. In early episodes, Mousey Marnie, a witch who channels the dead, teamed up with the dead, but still powerful Spanish witch, Antonia. Their bitchy living/dead partnership caused much of the season’s fatalities, but like many True Blood villains, the witches were given enough motivation to make their rage interesting and even understandable.

    Many of the plots showed victimized women tapping into their inner or supernatural power and then that power corrupting them until victim became avenging victimizer, as was the story with Marnie and Antonia. Still other characters were just born to bitchiness.

    The girl-power season also lead to that soap opera staple, the relationship triangle, becoming very male heavy. It was a season of two boys for every girl, much to the chagrin of many of the boys.

    Teen vamp Jessica found herself bored with boyfriend Hoyt and lusting after Sookie’s brother Jason, who finally managed to quite literally crawl out of the gross inbred werepanther plot.

    Shapeshifter Sam fell for nice school teacher and fellow shapeshifter, Luna, but got into a weird, even by True Blood standards, triangle involving Luna’s werewolf ex-husband, Marcus, and then the triangle morphed into a square for an episode when Sam’s skinwalker brother, Tommy, impersonated Sam.

    Meanwhile, actual bitch, werewolf Debbie Pelt was tempted by Marcus to leave her fellow werewolf husband Alcide, who was still harboring feelings for Sookie.

    Sookie, really didn’t have much time for Alcide, because when she wasn’t battling witches, she was trying to choose between her former lover, the newly crowned vampire king of Louisiana Bill Compton, and her new, really old, lover the 1,000-year-old Viking and present day vampire sheriff, Eric Northman. Eric lost his memory, but not his fangs, after a run in with Marnie. Through kooky happenstance that involved a deadly vampire/witch showdown in a cemetery — really an average Sunday night in Bon Temps — Sookie drank both Eric and Bill’s blood within a 24 hour period.

    In a dream, her vampire blood-drunken bitchy subconscious complained that she’s sick of her vampire boyfriends claiming ownership of her and decides to claim ownership of them both.

    By the last episode, after nearly dying while bickering and chained to each other in a fire, and being rescued by Sookie, various witches, and Sookie’s dead grandmother, Bill and Eric put on adorable matching purple robes and drank from Sookie at the same time. Sookie dumps them both, but I really think those three crazy kids should just go for it.

    Sure vampire/vampire/part-faerie menage a trois relationships must struggle against society’s ignorance and disdain, but the romantic in me thinks True Blood threesome love will conquer all.

    Even the steadiest relationship on the show between ex-drug dealer/current fry cook and powerful medium, Lafayette Reynolds, and his boyfriend nurse/witch Jesus Velasquez ended in death by triangle as angry, dead women kept possessing Lafayette. They might have been drawn to Lafayette for his shamanistic powers he couldn’t control, but they no doubt stayed for his wardrobe.

    Poor Jesus wins my vote for one of the saddest deaths on True Blood, when the possessed Lafayette ended up taking Jesus’ powers and stabbing him through the heart. And with him died one of the few happy relationship on the show, while bringing the total number of Hispanic, gay, witch, nurse characters on television down to zero.

    And with him died one of the few happy relationship on the show, while bringing the total number of Hispanic, gay, witch, nurse characters on television down to zero.

    True Blood creator and show runner, Alan Ball, certainly wasn’t done culling the large supernatural herd, however. The season also saw the end of several other characters introduced last season, including Sam’s brother Tommy and the annoying Debbie Pelt.

    Finally, it deeply pains me to report the death of one truly awesome bitch, Nan Flanigan, spokeswoman for the American Vampire League, and PR goddess. She looked equally lovely and scary lounging about the house in black leather as she did wearing her pink power suits and pearls when defending vampire rights on cable news shows. Unbeknownst to many she was also a trained, caring and certified first responder. I’ll miss you most of all, Nan.

    Alan Ball recently signed up for season five, so he it appears he had no regrets leaving many characters hanging from several proverbial cliffs. Let’s all meet back here under a full moon next summer to see if Tara is really dead, if the faeries are invading, how the Reverend Newlin became a vampire, and best of all just how cranky Russell Edgington is going to be after escaping his concrete prison.

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    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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