Where's the revolution?
Nothing but a little Ping: Apple keynotes have become overhyped, Coldplay messes
When we cyberhopefuls look back at the docket of how we spent our time today, we'll always want the 90 minutes between noon and 1:30 p.m. returned to us in their original condition.
From puffery to buffoonery, Steve Jobs' keynote to the Apple faithful ushered in the first day of September with nail-biting anticipation. And we wish we'd kept the receipt for that wasted hour and a half of anxiety.
While the biggest announcements are typically reserved for the year's early months, it's customary in the fall for Apple to debut its musical product prowess.
Jobs didn't disappoint. Nor did he deliver.
Sure, we're impressed with Apple's MPEG-4-mashin' success. Flashy new stores in Paris! Shanghai! London! 275 million iPods sold! Steve Jobs for Emperor in 2011!
And yes, what iPhone owner wouldn't be kinda wowed by iOS 4.1, the latest release of the mobile operating system, touting high dynamic range photos that make your iPhone camera actually worth using?
And what gamer on-the-go wouldn't get stoked about GameCenter's brilliant role-playing technology, which will most likely render your 12-year-old brother a virgin for life?
Ahem. We don't salivate over software updates. We wanted something new, something thrilling. Something to text home about.
And Jobs let us come up empty-palmed.
You see, the hot shot musical ensemble at Apple has gone on a crash diet, resulting in tinier, skinnier iPods.
The revamped iPod Touch will be, according to Jobs, "an iPhone without the iPhone," mirroring both the FaceTime and the rear and front-facing camera capabilities of the iPhone 4.
The buttons on the colorful array of the screenless iPod Shuffle line have returned with a vengeance. Although voice recognition for playlists has been combined with VoiceOver song announcements, so being spoon-fed your music while on the go has never been easier.
But if you do want your LCD, the iPod nano has your back, with the teeniest of touch color screens that'll even adapt to your orientation while upside down.
'Cause when you're hanging from the rafters in your bat cave, it's imperative to know whether you're listening to Katy Perry or Ke$ha.
And that's it for the iPod upgrades!
But the expectations don't stop falling there.
Remember the days when your every move wasn't interconnected with someone else's? Yeah, iTunes 9 remembers that, too. But iTunes 10 kicks your days of listener anonymity to the curb.
Not only did Jobs decide it was time to "ditch the CD in the logo," but iTunes 10 is the biggest slap in the Facebook to Apple's trademark innovative spirit.
Enter Ping, a platform hardwired into iTunes 10 that allows you to share all music-related activities with the people to whom you connect. Following artists, following friends, posting videos and photos, commenting, maintaining a profile — you know, that sort of thing.
Sound familiar? We hope Jobs thanked His Royal Zuckness for that idea.
The real snoozer of the bore-a-thon was, by far, Apple TV. Even Jobs admits that it hasn't been the greatest seller in the past, and yet, he dedicated a good half hour to his stump speech intending to convince us that we really, really must get Apple TV.
People who own it love it! Never mind that no one really owns it! It's now one-fourth of the size and only $99! Play instant slideshows from your iPhone as soon as you walk in the door! Stream Netflix! YOU NEED THIS.
Like a hole in the motherboard, you do.
As if adding insult to injury wasn't enough, the entire shindig came to a CTRL+ALT+DELETE when Chris Martin of Coldplay shame — err, fame — took the stage. That's right.
Oft-mocked moodster Martin, the obvious epitome of Apple's hip brand, was the talent to close out the event. Claiming the rest of the band was "too lazy" to appear, Martin slunk down in front of a piano and plucked the ivories as if the audience was a bunch of love-struck teenagers.
Martin's saving grace with the technophilic set came from his genuine attempt to fit in with the geek-heavy group. "This is, uh, Coldplay 2.6, with seven new chords, featuring iMinor, designed by Johnny Ives."
But even his cutesy quips couldn't save the day.
Perhaps Apple has already out-wowed us too many times for us to be dazzled by smaller gadgets, touchscreens, and Facebook knockoffs.
But if we have to wait 'til the spring to have our wireless mice double-clicked, so be it. 'Cause Apple ain't shown us nothin' today that we haven't seen already.