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    The Fame Monster

    Want to be famous? Theater District Open House turned out to be a great place tostart

    Fayza A. Elmostehi
    Aug 30, 2010 | 2:04 pm
    • Oh yeah, ballerinas? Well, I can balance a spoon on the end of my nose. So takethat!
      Photo by Fayza A. Elmostehi
    • My name! In lights! Can't you see it now? I can.
      Photo by Fayza A. Elmostehi
    • I let her borrow my vanity perch. Lead actresses like me should be nice to thesupporting actress staff.
      Photo by Fayza A. Elmostehi
    • The crowd for the Houston Symphony's free performance was egregiously large. Whowants to see excellently-crafted musical harmonies when you can see ME?
      Photo by Fayza A. Elmostehi
    • Test driving a Caddy? As long as it doesn't upstage me.
      Photo by Fayza A. Elmostehi
    • I wanted onstage at the Alley Theatre. But this guy wouldn't give up thespotlight.
      Photo by Fayza A. Elmostehi

    Spending muggy Sunday afternoons outdoors in August never makes any sense to me. Unless I'm mashing the pedals and crashing into trees while falling off my mountain bike on some out-of-town trails.

    Suffice it to say that the idea of passing my afternoon in the city shuttling between performing arts venues downtown on foot didn't exactly appeal to me.

    Enter Capital One Bank Theater District Open House. Otherwise known as The Good Time I Didn't Know I'd Have Despite Sweating. Or The Prequel to Fayzanation, whatever you prefer.

    Even though you won't find me applauding the idea of an effective block party in Houston during the dog days of summer, I must admit — Theater District Open House won me over. And strengthened my visions of my own personal greatness.

    On what other day of, well, my lifetime can I pretend to be in the starring role of a Wortham Theater production? Granted, the only occupied seats in the house were way up in the rafters, where eager Houstonians were getting a lecture in theater-related things. And yes, the stage itself was packed with children frolicking under a lively demonstration of stage snow.

    The Fayza Show, it was not. Yet.

    But so? I stood center stage, and I reckoned with those red velvet seats until they cowered in the shadow of my awesomeness. I'm destined to be a superstar, and my not-so-dormant diva appetite was whetted once again.

    The Theater District Open House volunteers didn't even snicker when I asked where my name would be placed on the dressing room door. I took that as a good sign that preparations were in the works to make me the next headlining actress. I'll check back next week.

    I even let my companion sit in front of the lights in my dressing room. She'd look really good as a supporting actress. No upstaging me, of course.

    Meandering over to the Alley Theatre, I was a little disappointed with the lack of theatrical inroads I could make. A swashbuckling pirate-type gentleman had already taken the stage (effectively nixing my ability to deliver the soliloquy I had diligently rehearsed), cracking a whip and illustrating the usage of other stage weapons.

    Nice, if you like beating your fellow actors up with cool medieval toys. I'm a little higher brow than that.

    Since scripted violence isn't my bag, I oohed, I aahed, and sought out more opportunities for my overdue superstardom.

    While Jones Hall was massive and overwhelmingly impressive to my virgin orchestral eyes, I simply couldn't believe all those people were there to see the Houston Symphony.

    Like, huh? With me so near? I was just on stage at the Wortham an hour prior. Where were the adoring fans then?

    They must've gotten mesmerized by the magical siren song of violas and cellos and woodwinds. Oh my.

    Figures. Simple folk.

    As my friend and I walked dejectedly back to my car (well, after a quick head poke into Samba Grille — I figured someone would have to treat me like the celebrity I am there, right?), I realized I'd spent a pleasant afternoon getting acquainted with a part of Houston I'd only read about on CultureMap.

    And my career aspirations had finally taken shape.

    First, the Wortham. Next? Broadway, baby!

    Watch out, Wicked. Here comes your witch of the southwest.

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    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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