Grab a hookah: It’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

That’s right, readers, it seems Franklin Lakes has packed its bags and headed to the Middle East. OK, not really. Apparently, The Real Housewives of New Jersey doesn’t have the budget of The Real Housewives of New York, whose Moroccan escapade last season bordered on psychosis. At least that means they don’t have to deal with the cranky and classless Countess LuAnn de Lesseps.

But as we saw our favorite Jersey hausfraus indulge in their own private Arabian fantasies, a pattern began to emerge from these last two messy and unsettling episodes.

The ladies of Franklin Lakes have serious problems — troubled children and poisonous family rivalries come to mind. All season they’ve sung a tune about love, hope, prosperity, reconciliation and family. But these fantasies can no longer conceal a distinctively Italian brew of rage, resentment and vendetta bubbling up from beneath.

When things get too stressful for Kathy, she dreams of the Middle East. Not necessarily Lebanon, where her husband Rich was born, but some generic land with belly dancers aplenty and lots of lively music. We appreciate, however, that these dreams must give her a break from the stress of being Italian.

A murky bassoon plays in the background against a shot of the waning moon and Kathy is cooking and talking incessantly about her potential catering career. She's decided to get all the women back on track with an "embrace your inner Goddess" party. Kathy wants loving positive energy, and she fingers her power beads as Zen Jen performs a sacred space cleanse.

Remember Zen Jen? She was Dina Manzo's spiritual consultant in Season One and we were thrilled to see her back with her sage smudge sticks.

When the women arrive, though, they aren't in a Goddess kind of mood. Jacqueline complains about her daughter Ashley's insolence and the ladies scoff when Kathy suggests family therapy. “That therapy stuff is so politically correct,” says Caroline’s daughter Lauren. “You should really get the wooden spoon out,” says Caroline, and the women all laugh in agreement.

When Teresa arrives fashionably late, she warns that a bad storm is on the way, possibly a Norwegian. We think she meant a "Nor'easter," but we're open to the idea of bad storms coming all the way from Scandinavia to destroy New Jersey in the name of good taste.

Kathy gives all the women Goddess bracelets, gifts they open with an inquisitive look and sour expressions. Then Kathy reads a statement about each guest's Goddess qualities. She thinks Melissa is a great mom. When she reaches Teresa, she says that when things are going crazy, Teresa just puts a smile on and doesn't let it bother her. Oh, yeah, that Goddess. Sure, we remember her.

Belly dancers arrive and the party goes out of bounds, but not for Teresa. She's the only one who doesn't want to strap on some tiny bells, and wonders in her video diary if the exotic women were supposed to "turn her on."

Kathy's fascination with generic Middle Eastern settings continues into the next episode, when she throws a birthday party for husband Rich at Aladdin. This time, everybody seems game, especially after they share flavored tobacco in hookahs. Kathy enjoys letting the smoke curl out her nostrils, and Joe Gorga says he's getting high. He asks his wife Melissa if he could smell her armpits, then points out the "sexy" scar on his wife's back.

Caroline says she loves the atmosphere, which envelopes you. No, that's not our spelling error. We imagine that Aladdin just "sends" her. We hope it sends her to a faraway land.

A cake arrives with sparklers, and everybody hits the dance floor, where it's snowing dollar bills. Melissa does a sorry camel walk, and Rich remarks that she's a talented singer but "can't dance for shit."

Caroline Manzo may fantasize about wooden spoons as child correctives, but when it comes to her children the fantasy factory is on full blast. She insists they are all captains of industry in the making. We’re glad she supports her kids. And she seems to have better luck than Jacqueline, whose daughter Ashley is alternatively thrown out of her home and celebrated for making a pathetically designed T-shirt for the opening of Lauren Manzo’s makeup-counter empire.

But Caroline’s boys seem tangled up in a venture that makes Lauren’s makeup counter seem like the next Google and Ashley the next Steve Jobs.

Chris and Albie Manzo have teamed up with uncle Chris and several official-looking young people (no doubt with well-designed resumes) to form some sort of entrepreneurial organization called The New Star Group. Young Chris is full of ideas: He wants to develop a book about what chemicals people crap out into sewers and a cell phone breathalyzer to help you avoid DUIs.

A stuffed shirt with glasses says, “I like that Chris, thinking outside of the box,” as Albie rolls his eyes.

Later the New Star Group meets with a woman who wants them to convince her that they’re the right group to sell her brand new product: Black water. The boys put on a truly impressive sales pitch, yet no one ever asks or explains what makes black water black and why anyone would drink it.

Caroline seems to think it is a mark of true entrepreneurial spirit that two boys from a state famous for pollution would tackle black water. We think no one in their right minds would buy black water, but then again, we never went to business school. Did any of the Manzos?

The season has been building toward the reconciliation of Teresa and her brother Joe Gorga. After the season-opening brawl at the christening of Joe Gorga’s son, things could only go up, we said to ourselves. And the apparent reconciliation of Teresa and Melissa seemed promising.

This week, Teresa even reaches out to her brother to invite him to her book signing. Joe and Melissa show up to offer their support, as do Kathy and Rich. Joe buys 10 of Teresa’s books, and thanks her for the heartfelt dedication she writes in one of them.

“It’s all going so well!” we said to ourselves.

And then the show crashed back to reality. Suddenly Joe goes on the offensive, telling Teresa to handle her husband, who has been threatening him via text message. Melissa and Teresa begin to accuse and counter accuse, and we realized that one source of this whole conflict is a combination of poor social skills, misunderstandings and terrible tempers on both sides.

Not to mention an old Italian-American habit of cherishing family and grudges with equal force. Nothing is more important than family and no slight, however great, small, or imagined, will ever really be forgiven.

Teresa returns, in purple furs, exhausted from signing books and seeing family members, to a house full of company and a totally blitzed husband. Teresa remarks that he must have been drinking for the last four or five hours.

This is when we realized that the second source of this conflict is Joe Giudice, who is now officially the most hateful husband on any franchise of The Real Housewives. That’s right, we’ve had it up to here with him.

After slobbering around drunk in front of his children and nearly cracking his head open doing a gymnastic stunt, he starts cursing at Teresa’s brother Joe as Teresa tries to figure out what happened between them. Joe shows her his texts and then insists that Teresa started her brother’s successful company and that her brother is jealous of Teresa for being taller and having more hair.

“He’s a faggot,” he says repeatedly. “Nothing against the faggots, but he’s a faggot.”

Well, Joe, nothing against drunk bigoted assholes, but you’re a drunk bigoted asshole.