Aftershocks
Lessons in grape stomping, party crashing & frenemy behavior with RealHousewives of D.C. (with video)
Lucille Ball would have made a great Real Housewife
Party crasher Michaele
When Lucille Ball climbed into a metal tub for her legendary grape-stomping scene, it didn’t matter what was real. It was funny. This week The Real Housewives of D.C. the grapes were real but they came from the grocery store, not the vineyard. It seems they were too busy sneaking past secret service agents to grow the grapes themselves.
The antics were amusing in Orange County, outrageous in Atlanta, haughty in New York, and downright silly in New Jersey. But somehow the stakes are so much higher, the consequences so much more portentous in Washington, D.C. This week Michaele and Tareq Salahi taught the fine art of party-crashing, with the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation dinner as lesson number one. It’s easier than you might think.
Here’s the plan. After sneaking your way in (try a service entrance or find a bribe-hungry busboy), you mill about and take a few napkins out of the glasses and then spread them out on the first vacant chairs. Social climbers Michaele and Tareq must be great at math, what with their power to turn one invitation into four. But be forewarned, novices, this technique might not work in the V.I.P. section, where you could actually run into the President. Or worse, his security detail.
Of course, the shallow couple didn’t explain this themselves on Thursday night's episode. Instead we hear it from the snippy little Jason Backe, master colorist at Ted Gibson’s salon in Chevy Chase, Md. And who would know better? It’s an ancient rule that if you want to know what’s going on with a woman, talk to her stylist. Jason is one of those gay men always sporting an unfortunate scarf, but he’s useful.
After all, Bravo’s cameras weren’t allowed at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation dinner, so who’s to say for sure what really happened? But by now the news of Michaele and Tareq crashing a White House dinner party weeks later, and also getting booted, is old. And the focus on this crass pair takes a certain amount of attention away from several other fascinating threads on the new series, which is a shame.
Any episode of The Real Housewives, no matter what the city, depends on frenemy relations. Of course, there also has to be a scapegoat, and here we get two birds in-the-hand with the delusional, former Nordstrum’s “associate” Michaele and her desperately vulgar hubby, Tareq. The only difference here is that even Stacie and Jason are growing suspicious of them. Michaele and Tareq are like a cheap toy your mother wishes she hadn't bought you for Christmas, but she knows it will fall apart in a short while.
Better yet, they’re like an industrial sized bag of seedless grapes you pour in a metal tub so your pretentious friends can help you celebrate your legal victory over, say, a parent. That’s right, readers. Tareq is so popular with the ladies that his own mother apparently sued him to shut down Oasis Vineyards. Must be some holiday season at the Salahi home, what with everyone suing each other before the exchange of gifts.
To celebrate their victory over dear old Ma, the couple arranges a grape harvest “stomping” afternoon. We were suspicious when Michaele described the event in her telephone invitations (hasn’t she heard of engraved stationery?), thinking that it sounded more like a party for “trampling” fetishists. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We're huge fans of Lucille Ball's memorable foray into grape trampling on I Love Lucy.
Lynda’s not so keen and declines the invitation, saying that her son has an important football game on Saturday. And in a pensive moment, she says she’d prefer a one-on-one, explaining that she misses “the old” Michaele. Funny, but to us she looks plenty old as she hangs up the phone with what seem like not-yet-botoxed wrinkles around her mouth and a furrowed brow.
Stacie and her husband Jason accept the invite, but she seems pre-occupied with her own family problems. As she enjoys mimosas with former Howard University sorority sisters, she breaks the news that she’s located her birth-mother, who happens to be of German-Finnish descent and who refers to her own biological daughter as “the secret.” It seems like a shocking revelation to share on this form of reality television, but Stacie doesn’t back down and her sympathetic friends prove themselves real sisters. “Who was my people?” Stacie asks her friends. It’s without a doubt the most poignant moment so far on the series.
But the episode lurches away from the serious. Soon it’s back to hilarity and viciousness. The grape-stomp is one long train-wreck that begins in the limo as details of the Salahi’s alleged party-crashing are interrupted by a call from Tareq. He warns the guests to approach the right side of the property so as to avoid the terrifying threat of an old woman (his mother) and a lone reporter. Thank the heavens he hired so many security guards.
Cat’s the first to smell a rat: “We’re in the middle-of-nowhere in Virginia. Why should there be security?” We were also wondering why Cat only appears on camera this episode with varieties of dead animal clinging to her body. So much for PETA.
But we are beginning to warm to Cat’s particular brand of social Tourette’s Syndrome. She can’t go anywhere without offending someone, and she’s often right. As Tareq tries to bully everyone into grape-stomping with a whistle, Cat just can’t hold back, saying, “Tareq, I know you’re American, but let’s have some manners.” And when it becomes clear that the grapes are as store-bought as Tareq and Michaele’s personalities, it’s no surprise Cat engineers her usual quick exit.
If only she had stayed! It took only a little wine to air a lot of dirty laundry. At least Jason had a sense of humor about party-crashing when the tense subject was raised, saying to Tareq: “It’s a little difficult for white folks to sneak into the Black Congressional Caucus undetected. That’s like Stacie sneaking into the Daughters of the American Revolution dinner through the kitchen.”
But that was all the humor to be had as the women left “passive” behind and headed straight for “aggressive.” Michaele was sharper than we imagined possible and only seconds later, promos featured Mary sobbing and Tareq apparently threatening Mary’s daughter with the FBI.
It seems the Salahis are taking over the show. After the Black Congressional Foundation Dinner and the White House, what could be next?
Here's the famous I Love Lucy grape-stomping scene:
