Cheapskate's Guide to the Finer Things in Life

Corpse flower watchers: Take a break tonight with a corpse of a different kind

Attention, all you diehard corpse flower fans standing vigil at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. I’ve got a great way for you to take a quick break this evening while you’re waiting for that terrible tease, Lois, to fully bloom. (You wish.)

Nearby, at the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston, a visiting professor will deliver a free lecture that, eerily, relates to the topic of death, which is so central to the attraction of the living corpse-plant that can’t get her bloomin’act in gear.

If you’d like to hear about the hidden significance of certain Egyptian objects in the MFAH collection — including the coffin of a deceased bird “saint” from the time of Cleopatra’s dynasty, and the elaborate mummy case of Pedi-Osiris, which “incorporates spells persisting for over two millennia” — well, come on down.

The MFAH promo explains that Egyptian art often served a symbolic or magical function: “Although magic was mainly used to protect or heal, the ancient Egyptians also used magic for the ritual cursing or the conquest of enemies.” Ooooh. . . I’m SO there tonight.

This month’s “Artful Thursday” lecture is enticingly titled, “The Magic of Egyptian Art: Artistic and Religious Features of the Egyptian Collection at the MFAH.” It sounds quite promising, especially given the fact that it will be delivered by someone whose credentials indicate he knows what he’s talking about.

That would be Dr. Robert Ritner, whose lengthy academic credit line is: “Professor of Egyptology at The Oriental Institute, the Department of Near Eastern Languages and Civilizations, Program on the Ancient Mediterranean World in the Department of Classics, and in the College, The University of Chicago.” Whew! I’m hoping to have the opportunity to meet Dr. Ritner and find out how all that fits on his business card. While I’m not sure how that works, I can tell you, based on my own academic background, that this prof’s title definitely signifies a good thing.

As exciting as all this sounds, it’s not going to be just a magic act. All you women showing solidarity with your slow-moving girlfriend Lois over at the HMNS, check this: Dr. Ritner’s also going to talk about MFAH funerary documents that demonstrate “the extraordinary independence of women in ancient Egypt.”

After the 6:30 p.m. lecture, there’ll be a pleasant reception, with refreshments (also free) provided by the Buffalo Speedway Starbucks. You can also register to win free giveaways from KUHF-FM and the MFAH.

All this takes place in a museum that is not only innately cool, but refrigerator-cool, as opposed to however all you people must be feeling in those crowds over at the HMNS, waiting for a sniff of rotting flesh. (Eeew.)

One thing: It’ll smell clean at the MFAH. Sorry.

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Movie Review

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 doesn't match the first movie's enthusiasm

Blumhouse

Five Nights at Freddy's 2.

Blumhouse Productions first made their name with the Paranormal Activity series, establishing themselves as a leader in the horror genre thanks to their relatively cheap yet effective movies. In recent years, they’ve added on “soft” horror films like M3GAN and Five Nights at Freddy’s to draw in a younger audience, with both films becoming so successful that each was quickly given a sequel.

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 finds Mike (Josh Hutcherson) and his sister Abby (Piper Rubio) still recovering from the events of the first film, with Abby particularly missing her “friends.” Those friends just so happen to be the souls of murdered children who inhabit animatronic characters at the long-defunct Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, children who were abducted and killed by William Afton (Matthew Lillard).

A new threat emerges at another Freddy Fazbear’s location in the form of Charlotte, another murdered child who inhabits a creepy large marionette. Mike, distracted by a possible romance with Vanessa (Elizabeth Lail), fails to keep track of Abby, who makes her way to the old pizzeria and inadvertently unleashes Charlotte and her minions on the surrounding town.

Directed by Emma Tammi and written by Scott Cawthon (who also created the video game on which the series is based), the film tries to mix together goofy elements with intense scenes. One particular sequence, in which the security guard for Freddy Fazbear’s lets a group of ghost hunters onto the property, toes the line between soft and hard horror. That and a few others show the potential that the filmmakers had if they had stuck to their guns.

Unfortunately, more often than not they either soft-pedal things that would normally be horrific, or can’t figure out how to properly stage scenes. The sight of animatronic robots wreaking havoc is one that is simultaneously frightening and laughable, and the filmmakers never seem to find the right balance in tone. Every step in the direction of making a truly scary horror film is undercut by another in which the robots fail to live up to their promise.

It doesn’t help that Cawthon gives the cast some extremely wooden dialogue, lines that none of the actors can elevate. What may work in a video game format comes off as stilted when said by actors in a live-action film. The story also loses momentum quickly after the first half hour or so, with Cawthon seemingly content to just have characters move from place to place with no sense of connection between any of the scenes.

Hutcherson (The Hunger Games series), after being the true lead of the first film, is given very little to do in this film, and his effort is equal to his character’s arc. The same goes for Lail, whose character seems to be shoehorned into the story. Rubio is called upon to carry the load for a lot of the movie, and the teenager is not quite up to the task. A brief appearance by Skeet Ulrich seems to be a blatant appeal to Scream fans, but he and Lillard only underscore how limited this film is compared to that franchise.

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 is better than the first film, but not by much. The filmmakers do a decent job of making the new marionette character into a great villain, but they fail to capitalize on its inherent creepiness. Instead, they fall back on less effective elements, ensuring that the film will be forgettable for anyone other than hardcore Freddy fans.

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Five Nights at Freddy's 2 opens in theaters on December 5.

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