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    By his tail

    Money for nothing: Tiger Woods paying Elin $100 million for silence that shewould have given anyways

    Chris Baldwin
    Jul 3, 2010 | 1:09 pm
    • Elin Woods never would have turned Tiger's betrayal into a run of TVappearances.
    • Is Tiger Woods so desperate to be in control that the gag order was worth anyprice?

    Tiger Woods isn't just a careless, paranoid cad. He's also shockingly easily manipulated.

    With his divorce from Elin Nordegren expected to become final within a matter of days (sometime over this Fourth of July weekend when there's less media coverage on everything, if Tiger has his way), it's come out that the monster settlement hinges on her never saying anything publicly about the details of their marriage (or the depth of his betrayal) even after Tiger is dead.

    In other words, if the greatest golfer in history kicks the bucket before his ex, she still cannot come out with a book or go on the show of Oprah's replacement.

    For this, Elin will get as much as $750 million over her lifetime.

    Which makes Tiger a fool.

    Does he not know his own wife? Elin Nordegren was never going to go on a Tiger-dissing, dirt-spewing, media tour no matter how contentious the divorce grew. That's not in her personality and it never was.

    Elin Nordegren is the most reserved high-profile celebrity wife of our time. She married the biggest sports star in the world, but she never wanted the attention. Remember, the last sit-down interview of Elin Nordegren you watched? Of course not, because there isn't one. Her public quotes — even from the happiest of times or what she thought was the happiest of times — can be counted on two fingers. Long before Tiger's Wilt-Chamberlain-level womanizing came out, Elin was notorious for turning down interviews.

    She couldn't have been more polite while doing it, but she always did it. Elin would rather go through surgery than sit down and bare her soul to a journalist or a "kind" TV couch host.

    I walked the final 18 holes of that epic 90-hole 2008 U.S. Open inside the ropes as Elin Woods did the same thing. She was exceedingly nice to myself and any other writer, who came up and tried to get some reaction as she watched her husband hobble his way to the most dramatic win of his career. She'd make small talk with you. But she'd say nothing on the record.

    That's Elin in a nutshell.

    This isn't some Real Housewife desperate for attention. Elin comes from a prominent Swedish family. One of her first purchases on her own — in the wake of Tiger's sexting spree — was a castle with a moat around it.

    She was never going to embarrass herself, her kids or her kids' dad on TV no matter how angry she is. She'd be more horrified than anyone by that thought.

    There's no doubt that Elin deserves a massive divorce settlement — perhaps, even a record-breaking one. If Tiger Woods was agreeing to the $750 million — or probably-more-accurate $100 million figure that's also starting to be floated out there — because of well-deserved shame or appreciation for the woman whose heart he broke, more power to him. (He can afford either one, no matter what you've heard about the limits to his net worth.)

    Instead though, Tiger seems to be paying to quell his raging paranoia. He needs that gag order on Elin. He must be back in control.

    The funny thing is that even now, even after everything, Elin would have likely protected Tiger Woods anyways.

    Tiger barely seems to know the woman he married. It makes one wonder if he ever did.

    unspecified
    news/entertainment

    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

    moviesfilm
    news/entertainment
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