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    Where are all the bodies buried?

    Bring out your dead: True Blood unearths vamps, werewolves & intrigue in season5 opener

    Tarra Gaines
    Jun 11, 2012 | 6:01 am

    Supernatural television shows are almost always populated with lots of dead characters. But usually those dead people slink around as sexy, shirtless ghosts and vampires or at least lurch around as mindless rotting zombies. However, for the season 5 premiere of HBO’s supernatural, southern gothic satire True Blood Sunday night, the episode was all about actually burying the dead. Or digging them up and eating them, whichever.

    So who died, and where are all the bodies buried?

    In fact, Anna Paquin’s Sookie Stackhouse, the part-faerie, telepathic hero of the series, spent so much time cleaning crime scenes and digging graves, it felt like True Blood had turned into a PBS anthropology documentary on the burial rituals and practices of the indigenous Bon Temps, Louisiana peoples. That is until we got the first, and probably contractually obligated, shot of Alexander Skarsgård’s bare butt. Then, it felt like HBO again.

    So who died, and where are all the bodies buried?

    Debbie Pelt
    At the end of season 4, crazy werewolf and recovering vampire blood drug addict Debbie Pelt, tried to shoot Sookie and ended up killing supernatural-trouble magnet and Sookie’s best friend, Tara instead. Sookie, in turn, killed Debbie with her own shotgun. Yet, somehow, a part-faerie waitress shooting a werewolf-real-housewife is probably the most un-supernatural death in the show’s history.

    Tara Thornton
    Though Tara ended up with part of her brains splattered over Sookie’s kitchen floor, neither Sookie nor Tara’s cousin Lafayette were ready to let her die. They made a deal with the devilishly awesome Pam, Eric Northman’s vampire daughter of all people, to turn Tara into a vampire, a ritual which requires Tara and Pam to be buried together in Sookie’s backyard for a night.

    Technically if this whole vamp Tara project works out, that will make Tara Eric’s vampire granddaughter, because the True Blood writers love their viewers and wants us to die laughing.

    Jesus Velasquez
    Another body to be counted at the end of last season was Lafayette’s lover Jesus. Jesus was a powerful brujo (witch) but was stabbed by Lafayette when the latent medium was possessed by the even more powerful dead witch Marnie. Yeah I know, how many times have we seen that old plot line? The twist is that now Jesus’ body is missing, but there are so many other bodies to be buried this episode that the mystery of missing Jesus was left unsolved.

    Marcus Bozeman
    Late last season, werewolf Alcide killed the local wolf pack leader Marcus. Why that is important this season is because the wolf pack and Marcus’s mom blame shapeshifter Sam Merlott who is dating Marcus’s shapeshifting ex-wife Luna. The pack made Sam take them to the Marcus’s unmarked grave, and then they proceeded to dig Marcus up and eat his entrails. It’s a werewolf thing. Don’t impose your closed-minded non-were Western prejudices upon them.

    Nan Flanagan
    While Sookie and Lafayette were busy mopping and bleaching the Stackhouse kitchen, Vampire King of Louisiana, Bill Compton, and his sheriff, Eric Northman, were at the royal residence sopping up the vampire goo that was the once Vampire Authority representative Nan Flanagan. She was paying Sookie’s ex-lovers a visit to either kill them or make some kind of deal to go against the Authority. Exactly whose side she was on was left rather ambiguous but Nan threatened Sookie, and so she had to go.

    True Blood usually alternates between the sexes when designating each season’s top sexy villain. If the pattern holds again this summer, we should be able to smell the testosterone directly from our television screens.

    What’s so important about all these dead bodies, especially since some of them aren’t even sexy anymore?

    A Pam sired, and possibly mindless, vampire Tara, is certainly going to cause both Sookie and Lafayette heartache and stress. The woman had massive anger-management problems and an uncanny talent for getting kidnapped by supernatural crazy beings when she was human. The human mind can hardly encompass what trouble she’ll get into as a vampire.

    The killing of Nan is probably Bill and Eric’s first step down, and it’s a doozy, into the vampire political underworld. Eric and Bill were on the run from and then overrun by minions of Vampire Authority for, well, not respecting the Vampire Authority’s authority.

    And while Eric and Bill are busy with vampire infighting, Alcide and Sam look to be about to play werewolf and shapeshifter power politics.

    So what can we expect from season 5?

    Season 4 was about girl power. Wronged female witches, ghosts, and ghost witches stuck it to the Man who was usually a vampire. Even Sookie had an "I-choose-me" moment when she dumped both her former vamp lovers Bill and Eric and gave werewolf Alcide the let’s-be-friends speech.

    True Blood usually alternates between the sexes when designating each season’s top sexy villain. If the pattern holds again this summer, we should be able to smell the testosterone directly from our television screens.

    Though he hasn’t made an appearance yet, season three’s vampire king of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, has been rescued from his cement prison and is sure to wreck havoc upon the world.

    The Reverend Steve Newlin, who hasn’t been seen except for cameos since season 2, is back. Newlin once commanded an army of faithful vampire-hating followers, but is now a vampire himself and is openly declaring his love for Sookie’s brother Jason.

    Being dumped by Sookie, while they were wearing cute matching robes, seems to have pushed Bill and Eric on the road to an epic vampire bromance and perhaps right in the middle of a real war between philosophies on the nature of government. Sure Russell Edgington might represent the dying vampire monarchy system but he’s a powerful 3000 years old and kind of nuts. Meanwhile, the city council cabal, or whatever the Vampire Authority is, seems to hold ultimate political power, but if they can’t even keep the Sookie-whipped comedy duo of Bill and Eric in line how do they expect to rule the vampire world?

    Finally, just a reminder. The dead character with magical powers whose body is still missing is named Jesus. Hopefully hell will be fun if Nan is there to welcome us.

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    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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