Why are you waking me up for labor?

Aftershocks: Is the blastoma baby bumming everyone out on Real Housewives of NewJersey?

Danielle only wanted a little protection for the blastoma baby benefit.
As usual, everyone is getting along.

It was a tale of two babies — the one ruddy with health, the other stricken with cancer. It was also a story of two young adults struggling in the shadow of successful parents: the enterprising young man an entrepreneur-to-be and the indifferent girl in need of a life coach.

Weighty themes abounded in the last installment of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. As Dina Manzo weeps upon becoming a godmother, Danielle gets busy finding just the right company for her upcoming season in hell.

Last week The Real Housewives of New York (yes, we can't just have one Housewives season going at a time) quibbled, cried, and boozed it up by sea and by land in St. John, making us fear we’d be shipwrecked in a never-ending therapy session. Maybe those ladies should set sail for Franklin Lakes to gain some much needed perspective.

As the show opens, gorgeously made-up Teresa Giudice moans as she climbs the stairs to tell sleeping-in-that-day husband Joe that she needs to deliver her baby. He seems irritated and takes his time making a fresh pot of coffee for himself.

Daughter Gabriella wants breakfast (“FRENCH TOAST!”), which multitasking Teresa makes as she reads email and waits for “Mr. Slow Poke” to drive her to the hospital. Everyone seems bored by the fourth time around for the couple, even Dr. Gerardis, their OB/GYN.

Joe still isn’t awake in the waiting room, fiddling on his mobile while Teresa applies lipstick. She calls Dina, who asks her “Did you make it pretty?” It seems the newborn will have a perfect view as she emerges into the world. “My chuckie? I tried to shave it this morning,” Teresa explains.

As we watch what looks like a 16-guage needle dive into Teresa’s iodine-splashed spine, suddenly the images aren’t so funny. The camera remains fixed for minutes on the sign “Labor/Delivery Room” as Teresa shrieks and the subtitles spell out her attempt at “It’s a girl!” Those camera folks at Bravo always know when to leave a good thing alone.

From one baby to another and stripping ...

Meanwhile, as Danielle enjoys lunch at the pristine Preakness Diner with long-time friend Kathy (this is the first we’ve heard of her), her eyebrows knit when she hears disturbing news.

Diner owner Chris comes out to explain that his 15-month-old daughter Emmanuela has been diagnosed with an extremely rare cancer. Chris is so poignant and humble you want to get your checkbook out when he asks Danielle to help raise the $10,0000 to $20,000 he and his wife will need each week for healthcare.

Danielle says she’ll do anything she can to help. But piercing music stabs our ears as the venue of the benefit is announced: The Brownstone, owned by the family of one of Danielle’s worst enemies, redhead Caroline Manzo.
And if you’re thinking what we were thinking, the answer is yes. Danielle would steal the limelight even from a baby with a blastoma.

Maybe we felt a little sorry for her last season when Caroline called her garbage, even if it seemed true. But she 's truly trash when she visits ex-felon friends to secure bodyguards for her upcoming appearance at the benefit for baby Emmanuela.

As a taxidermy bobcat leers over the fireplace, Danny and John, whose unrevealed crimes seem to linger in the air like a cheap cigar, lounge on the sofa. “When Danny takes my back, people better be listening,” Danielle explains to the camera.

Well, we would listen. Danny and John seem straight from a sitdown on The Sopranos.

The young adults in town are struggling with career decisions, and bright-eyed Christopher finally gets a chance to work on his strip-club cum car-wash venture. His folks arrange for him to work at Perfect Shine, a friend’s car wash, on Wednesday, the slowest day for business.

To prepare, Christopher interns for one day at a high-rollers gentleman’s club in Manhattan. When he brings girls to promote business on his first day at Perfect Shine, there’s skepticism all around. But when the men pour in for a wash and polish from Christopher’s tattooed young friends in Daisy Duke shorts, owner Rick is thrilled. Caroline couldn’t be prouder. It seems she’s taught her son the difference between lowbrow “strip joints” and respectable “strip clubs.”

Meanwhile, Ashley shuffles back to the homestead, explaining that she’s moving forward with her plans. She may not be looking for a job, but she’s definitely looking into looking for a job. Mom tries to help out, but Ashley throws cold water on the idea of a life coach. After all, she’s certain she might be interested in a career as a fashion-merchandiser-music-manager-zoologist.

Even extra-dull husband Chris laughs off the life coach. After their second child, the energy between them seems to have dissipated. But Chris teases her, saying “you don’t want to see what’s in that safe!” Of course, that’s all she wants to see.

Jacqueline feigns horror at first. As one gun after another emerges from the refrigerator-sized safe, Jacqueline holds them and “models” for Chris. Her voice becomes excited, feverish, and suddenly Franklin Lake’s newfound Patty Hearst fingers her latest glamour accessory: a sash of shiny bullets.

Oh how Jacqueline beams.

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Movie Review

Humor and history collide in outstanding new comedy Wild Horse Nine

Photo courtesy of Searchlight Pictures

Sam Rockwell and John Malkovich in Wild Horse Nine.

It’s difficult to nail English writer/director Martin McDonagh down when it comes to his interests. Prior to his new film, he has set films in Bruges, Belgium; Los Angeles; the fictional small town of Ebbing, Missouri, and a remote island in Ireland, with stories that deal with crime, grief, lifelong friendships, and a kidnapped Shih Tzu. What all his films have in common though, is comedy that is mined through absurdity, something that is on full display in Wild Horse Nine.

Chris (John Malkovich) and Lee (Sam Rockwell) are CIA agents in 1973, currently stationed in Chile, with a mission that Lee tries to hide but Chris broadcasts willingly. Their assignment is to undermine support for the newly-elected socialist president, Salvador Allende, but the film is not really about that. Instead, it follows the duo on a break from work as they decide to take a side trip to Rapa Nui (aka Easter Island) so that Chris can fulfill his dream of seeing “the big heads.”

Once they’re there, Chris and Lee bicker over various things, including Chris being too open with two younger women, Monica (Mariana di Girolamo) and Alicia (Ailín Salas); who gets control over their rental car; the long-distance interference of CIA station chief MJ (Steve Buscemi); and more. All the while, a mostly unspoken agreement between Chris and Lee colors every decision they make, including why they came to Rapa Nui in the first place.

McDonagh has full control over the narrative of the film from minute one, establishing the tone through the super-quick banter between Chris and Lee that points to the strong bond the two share. A later revelation deepens the meaning of the story without taking away from the humor that comes from Chris and Lee sniping at each other. Despite the two characters not getting much of an introduction, they become a very memorable movie twosome as the film goes along.

A good working knowledge of 20th century world history is helpful, as McDonagh drops in subtle and not-so-subtle hints about the CIA’s involvement in certain notable events (including the JFK assassination, which takes on larger importance as the story goes on). Using real history like the impending coup d'état in Chile as a backdrop for the fictional story grounds the film, allowing the characters to engage in sometimes farcical elements without ever seeming like unserious people. It’s also a sly commentary on current events, with the U.S. continuing to insert itself into other countries’ affairs.

The impact of the film is immeasurably improved by the fact that they filmed on location in Chile and Rapa Nui. Having Chris and Lee visit the “big heads” (aka moai) while referencing them in their dialogue is both awe-inspiring and hilarious. There’s just something about the characters being able to get up close and personal with the ancient sculptures that makes the film feel more important than if they had employed CGI to put them there.

Malkovich is a two-time Oscar nominee with a storied career, but this performance ranks as one his best. With a face that unashamedly shows his 73 years and pitch perfect line deliveries, he nails every scene that he’s in. Rockwell complements him extremely well, giving a performance that fits in with his previous work but rarely on such a high level. Buscemi is also a pleasure to watch, popping up to steal small moments just like he did in the recent The Only Living Pickpocket in New York.

Save for a few action scenes, Wild Horse Nine is mostly filled with characters talking, but the level of the conversations and the comical moments that McDonagh has created contain cannot be understated. With a tour-de-force performance by Malkovich, a real world setting, and a funny twist on history, it’s one of the best movies of the year.

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Wild Horse Nine opens in theaters on November 6.

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