Volcano, Schmalcano
Stuck in Europe by Eyjafjallajokull? Follow the rom-coms home
Amy Adams in a scene from "Leap Year"
Sandra Bullock and Ben Affleck in "Forces of Nature"
Tom Hanks in "The Terminal"
With two parents in the airline industry, I know a little bit about flying standby.
I've spent days on end sitting at airports and hoping against hope to somehow make it on the next flight. When the airport is overcrowded, generally the only thing I get for my efforts is a migraine.
I realize that being stranded in a foreign country because of an enormous cloud of volcanic ash is scary, frustrating, and generally no laughing matter. But when you consider that there are worse places to be (like jail, Anbar province, or in your normal office cubicle), you can stop thinking about this as a disaster and start thinking of it as an adventure.
Luckily, Hollywood has already mapped out a game plan for you, with movies like Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Leap Year, The Terminal and Forces of Nature (how apropos!).
When stuck at an airport, don't just sit there: Explore. The Terminal shows how a large airport can become a town of its own. Check out the dining scene. Rate every bathroom. Sit on the baggage carousels — come on, you know you've always wanted to. Set up geocaches for fellow stranded travelers to discover.
Start your own flash mob. Read e-mails from your iPhone aloud, dramatically. Have SmarteCarte races. You're limited only by your imagination, and maybe by airport security.
If you're at an airport that has no flights coming or going — or at least going in the right direction — the first step is to leave. Generally heading for trains, buses or boats happens next, but since those have been overcrowded for days, it's probably best to skip right to step three: Convincing someone to drive you somewhere.
This may require a significant bribe or lie about a reward at the end of the trip, but don't worry. By the end you'll be so in love/best friends so the matter of money will be forgotten. Now, you may think that you are perfectly capable of driving yourself, but you are wrong. First of all, in the movies the car always breaks down or drives into a lake, and you'll want someone who is grumpy yet surprisingly gallant and handsome to rescue you or help carry your bags.
When looking for a place to stay outside of the sure-to-be-full hotels, knock on the door to any quaint house and pretend you are looking for a B&B. If you can cry on command, do it now. After several days in an airport and with your car in a river, it shouldn't be that hard. Pretend to be a couple, and settle in for a homestyle dinner that Norman Rockwell would be jealous of. Make your guide sleep in the toilet, if you want, but remember: You're here to fall in love.
Oops, I mean make it home. But who says you can't do both?
Of course, if you've deviated from the advice so far and find yourself solo, the easiest way to find a place to crash in Europe is to show up at a bar and make it obvious that you are American. (Caveat: this probably doesn't work as well for men.) Or if you insist on planning for real life and not a Hollywood fantasy, find an Internet cafe and become an emergency CouchSurfer.
Just don't expect this route to get you to your destination at all quickly. But don't worry. That sleepy village you just happened to land in will open up a new side of you, allow you to become a more free and spontaneous person, and imbue you with a renewed love for life, with the relationships you'll make in the span of two to three days.
Don't worry, your family back home will understand. And if not, there's always the rights to the screenplay.
