Volcano, Schmalcano

Stuck in Europe by Eyjafjallajokull? Follow the rom-coms home

Amy Adams in a scene from "Leap Year"
Sandra Bullock and Ben Affleck in "Forces of Nature"
Tom Hanks in "The Terminal"

With two parents in the airline industry, I know a little bit about flying standby.

I've spent days on end sitting at airports and hoping against hope to somehow make it on the next flight. When the airport is overcrowded, generally the only thing I get for my efforts is a migraine.

I realize that being stranded in a foreign country because of an enormous cloud of volcanic ash is scary, frustrating, and generally no laughing matter. But when you consider that there are worse places to be (like jail, Anbar province, or in your normal office cubicle), you can stop thinking about this as a disaster and start thinking of it as an adventure.

Luckily, Hollywood has already mapped out a game plan for you, with movies like Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Leap Year, The Terminal and Forces of Nature (how apropos!).

When stuck at an airport, don't just sit there: Explore. The Terminal shows how a large airport can become a town of its own. Check out the dining scene. Rate every bathroom. Sit on the baggage carousels — come on, you know you've always wanted to. Set up geocaches for fellow stranded travelers to discover.

Start your own flash mob. Read e-mails from your iPhone aloud, dramatically. Have SmarteCarte races. You're limited only by your imagination, and maybe by airport security.

If you're at an airport that has no flights coming or going — or at least going in the right direction — the first step is to leave. Generally heading for trains, buses or boats happens next, but since those have been overcrowded for days, it's probably best to skip right to step three: Convincing someone to drive you somewhere.

This may require a significant bribe or lie about a reward at the end of the trip, but don't worry. By the end you'll be so in love/best friends so the matter of money will be forgotten. Now, you may think that you are perfectly capable of driving yourself, but you are wrong. First of all, in the movies the car always breaks down or drives into a lake, and you'll want someone who is grumpy yet surprisingly gallant and handsome to rescue you or help carry your bags.

When looking for a place to stay outside of the sure-to-be-full hotels, knock on the door to any quaint house and pretend you are looking for a B&B. If you can cry on command, do it now. After several days in an airport and with your car in a river, it shouldn't be that hard. Pretend to be a couple, and settle in for a homestyle dinner that Norman Rockwell would be jealous of. Make your guide sleep in the toilet, if you want, but remember: You're here to fall in love.

Oops, I mean make it home. But who says you can't do both?

Of course, if you've deviated from the advice so far and find yourself solo, the easiest way to find a place to crash in Europe is to show up at a bar and make it obvious that you are American. (Caveat: this probably doesn't work as well for men.) Or if you insist on planning for real life and not a Hollywood fantasy, find an Internet cafe and become an emergency CouchSurfer.

Just don't expect this route to get you to your destination at all quickly. But don't worry. That sleepy village you just happened to land in will open up a new side of you, allow you to become a more free and spontaneous person, and imbue you with a renewed love for life, with the relationships you'll make in the span of two to three days.

Don't worry, your family back home will understand. And if not, there's always the rights to the screenplay.

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Movie Review

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 doesn't match the first movie's enthusiasm

Blumhouse

Five Nights at Freddy's 2.

Blumhouse Productions first made their name with the Paranormal Activity series, establishing themselves as a leader in the horror genre thanks to their relatively cheap yet effective movies. In recent years, they’ve added on “soft” horror films like M3GAN and Five Nights at Freddy’s to draw in a younger audience, with both films becoming so successful that each was quickly given a sequel.

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 finds Mike (Josh Hutcherson) and his sister Abby (Piper Rubio) still recovering from the events of the first film, with Abby particularly missing her “friends.” Those friends just so happen to be the souls of murdered children who inhabit animatronic characters at the long-defunct Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, children who were abducted and killed by William Afton (Matthew Lillard).

A new threat emerges at another Freddy Fazbear’s location in the form of Charlotte, another murdered child who inhabits a creepy large marionette. Mike, distracted by a possible romance with Vanessa (Elizabeth Lail), fails to keep track of Abby, who makes her way to the old pizzeria and inadvertently unleashes Charlotte and her minions on the surrounding town.

Directed by Emma Tammi and written by Scott Cawthon (who also created the video game on which the series is based), the film tries to mix together goofy elements with intense scenes. One particular sequence, in which the security guard for Freddy Fazbear’s lets a group of ghost hunters onto the property, toes the line between soft and hard horror. That and a few others show the potential that the filmmakers had if they had stuck to their guns.

Unfortunately, more often than not they either soft-pedal things that would normally be horrific, or can’t figure out how to properly stage scenes. The sight of animatronic robots wreaking havoc is one that is simultaneously frightening and laughable, and the filmmakers never seem to find the right balance in tone. Every step in the direction of making a truly scary horror film is undercut by another in which the robots fail to live up to their promise.

It doesn’t help that Cawthon gives the cast some extremely wooden dialogue, lines that none of the actors can elevate. What may work in a video game format comes off as stilted when said by actors in a live-action film. The story also loses momentum quickly after the first half hour or so, with Cawthon seemingly content to just have characters move from place to place with no sense of connection between any of the scenes.

Hutcherson (The Hunger Games series), after being the true lead of the first film, is given very little to do in this film, and his effort is equal to his character’s arc. The same goes for Lail, whose character seems to be shoehorned into the story. Rubio is called upon to carry the load for a lot of the movie, and the teenager is not quite up to the task. A brief appearance by Skeet Ulrich seems to be a blatant appeal to Scream fans, but he and Lillard only underscore how limited this film is compared to that franchise.

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 is better than the first film, but not by much. The filmmakers do a decent job of making the new marionette character into a great villain, but they fail to capitalize on its inherent creepiness. Instead, they fall back on less effective elements, ensuring that the film will be forgettable for anyone other than hardcore Freddy fans.

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Five Nights at Freddy's 2 opens in theaters on December 5.

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