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    Sword deluge

    Game of Thrones explained: Strategic moves promise a bloody tournament of champions

    Tarra Gaines
    Apr 1, 2013 | 6:33 am

    With dragons, dire wolves, and Medieval intrigue, HBO’s hit and Emmy-winning series Game of Thrones returned to our television screen appropriately on March 31. As we saw last season, this throne game is closer to a throne tournament, with royal families and potential kings and queens vying for the Westeros Iron Throne all bringing excitement and sometimes literal madness to March.

    This throne game is closer to a throne tournament, with royal families and potential kings and queens vying for the Westeros Iron Throne.

    Game of Thrones, based on George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire novel series, has generally followed one book per season, but this year is different. The third book, A Storm of Swords, which is vast and beloved, is getting divided into two seasons. So fans of the show and books can expect to be drenched by a sword deluge until 2015.

    What You Need to Know

    It’s only a slight hyperbole to state the show contains a cast of thousands. Unless you’re a Song of Ice and Fire fanatic, keeping careful margin notes in the books, you’ll need to pay attention to the “Previously” introduction for each episode to warn you when a character you had forgotten, because he hasn’t appeared for seven episodes, is about to pop up and be important.

    Though the number of characters can be overwhelming, there appears to be a pattern to some of the plotting.

    Episode Nine usually contains a bloody political game changer in the Westeros power landscape. The final episode of each season features the characters picking up the pieces, which are sometimes actual body parts, but ends with some fantastic images like dragons hatching out of a desert funeral pyre or a 10,000 strong ice zombie horde ambling across a frozen wasteland. These terrifying and magnificent scenes serve to remind viewers that sharp political drama can be housed in a fantasy genre.

    Sunday night’s debut episode started out a bit slow with only about half those thousand characters making an appearance. Some of our favorite players like the wandering young Stark kids, Bran, Rickon, and badass Arya were missing.

    Though the number of characters can be overwhelming, there appears to be a pattern to some of the plotting.

    Even with notable absences, there were many strategic opening moves in this episode, so lets make some unspoiled predictions as to which games to watch closely this season.

    Westeros Division

    Starks vs. Lannisters

    Robb Stark turned out to be quite the warrior last season, even winning several off screen battles against the Lannisters, but proved a novice politically. Failing to protect his own territory, Winterfell was taken by the annoying Theon “Daddy Please Love Me” Greyjoy, and later burned to the ground.
    Robb’s alliance with House Frey, brokered by his mother in season one, could be in jeopardy because he married a nice doctor instead of one of those stay-at-home Frey daughters. Meanwhile, the Lannisters are regrouping.
    Lannisters vs. Tyrells
    The Lannisters and Tyrells are in an alliance, with Margaery Tyrell, now engaged to King Joffrey. Yet, in Westeros an alliance simply requires the players to smile at each other as they attempt to get in position for a good round of back-stabbing. With only one episode, we already see that Margaery and her brother Loras are much more limber politicians than any of the Lannisters, with the possible exception of the scarred, but still pretty and cunning, Tyrion Lannister.
    Fun fact: Margaery is the widow of Renly Baratheon, younger brother of dead king Robert — Joffrey’s named father — so she’s engaged to her nephew by marriage. This aunt/nephew engagement is in no way icky, however, because Joffrey is not Robert’s biological son but is actually the bastard of his mother Cersei and her twin brother Jaime. Also, Renly never had sex with Margaery because he was busy having sex with her brother Loras and being murdered by the demon shadow baby of his own brother Stannis Baratheon.
    Best sit back and enjoy the ride, but whatever you do, don’t get too attached to a character. They’re probably going to die painfully and grossly in a few episodes anyway.
    Stannis Baratheon vs. Insanity
    After losing the Battle of Blackwater and therefore the chance to capture the Westeros capitol, Stannis went home to lick his wounds and stare at fire while his advisor/priestess/shadow baby mama Melisandre hosts motivational seminars for his troops that include team building activities like burning unbelievers. Whether Stannis can get his mind out from her crazy thrall and back into the game remains to be seen.
    Essos Division
    Daenerys Targaryen vs. Ethics
    Across the Narrow Sea Daenerys Targaryen is mother to three adorable and deadly toddler dragons. Trying to buy, borrow, steal, or marry an army in order to march on Westeros and take back the kingdom that once belonged to her family, she’s having a bit of a fight with her conscience when it comes to buying a eunuch, slave army. Each season her dragons get bigger, while she confronts a new Essos culture, which underestimates her, but she gets no closer to hitting the beaches of Westeros.
    Far Northern Division
    The Night Watch vs. the Wildlings vs. the White Walkers
    North of the Wall, Jon Snow, dead Ned Stark’s bastard, has cunningly infiltrated, by getting captured, the camp of former Night Watch commander, Mance Rayder who has also declared himself a king and has a wildlings army to prove it. At least those wildlings are human, which cannot be said for the White Walkers and their zombie hordes. While everyone and their dire wolf wants to be king of Westeros, it’s still not clear what the spooky blue-eyed, frozen creatures want, besides possibly a good moisturizer.
    Viewers vs. Expectations
    If you’re watching the series for that epic battle between dire wolves, dragons, and ice zombies you know has to be coming eventually, our advice is to get regular exercise and eat lots of vegetables. With two seasons to cover one book, two more published books awaiting dramatization, and another two left for Martin to complete the series, we’re going to be here awhile.
    Best sit back and enjoy the ride, but whatever you do, don’t get too attached to a character. They’re probably going to die painfully and grossly in a few episodes anyway.
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    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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