Lady Gaga might have gone out of her way to quell rumors of having a male genitalia in Telephone, but that doesn't mean the music-video-cum-short film isn't a hot tranny mess.

After the artistic and commercial triumph of "Bad Romance" — where Gaga emerges from a pod, appears as a human-anime hybrid and generally makes the themes of fire and ice in a relationship look fashionable beyond belief — expectations were sky-high to see what the awaited "Telephone" video with Beyoncé would look like.

Instead of being Lady Gaga's tour de force, it's a mish-mash of femme fatale cliches cut with a heavy dose of product placement and terrible acting.

The first half of the video is a live action version of a highly editorial magazine fashion shoot themed around women in prison —it's easy to imagine W shooting Gaga in the black-and-white-striped poufy-sleeved dress; or entering the prison yard draped in chains and wearing glasses made of still-smoking cigarettes; wrapped in crime scene tape; answering the pay phone in early 90s studded leather, and being released in a film noir-era femme fatale getup. This is about as naked as Gaga or anyone gets — enough to put those pesky hermaphrodite rumors to rest for good.

Then Beyoncé shows up, in Kill Bill's "Pussywagon," no less, and a cringeworthy dialogue ensues — "You've been a very bad girl. A very, very, bad, bad girl, Gaga" ... "You know what they say, 'Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger," ... "You know, trust is like a mirror...". The writing is bad enough, but the delivery is atrocious. It's hard to believe Beyoncé was nominated for an Oscar. If she'd won they'd have to pull it for this.

The scenes in the diner are kinda cute, especially when cartoon dialogue and facial expressions take the place of real speech. But then everyone in the diner, including Tyrese Gibson and Danielle from America's Next Top Model, kicks it from Gaga's poison, and the non-poisoned survivors do a dance that looks like "Walk the Dinosaur" in American flag-themed outfits. Because murder is patriotic, I guess? Then Thelma and Louise — sorry, I mean Lady Gaga and Beyoncé — ride off into the sunset with the cops on their tail.

It's all rather strange, but it's the product placement that really bothers me. Gaga has deals with Polaroid and Virgin Mobile, and their appearance is a bit forced, but not as forced as the paid placement of Miracle Whip and dating site PlentyofFish.com. But as random as these references are in the video for a viewer, I have to wonder if these brands saw the final product before they paid. Does Miracle Whip want to be associated with deadly poisonings? Do the muscled, mannish prison guards using Plenty of Fish make the site more appealing? Um, not exactly. All they do is distract from any artistic message the video was trying to get across.

False rumors swirled over the weekend that MTV was banning the video, which I guess meant they wouldn't be playing 20-second clips of it during the credits of Teen Cribs before Real World/Road Rules Challenge comes on. Regardless, the video's popularity has already been proven: in less than a week, Telephone has already been viewed almost 20 million times on YouTube.

Does that make it an interesting, not-to-be piece of pop culture history? No doubt. Of course, people can't look away from a train wreck, either.