It's cold heart, warm heart on Real Housewives of Miami: Lea Black turns piggywhile Marysol glows
No one ruins a perfect moment like a Real Housewife.
From pig roasts to perfect proposals, nothing was out of bounds this week on The Real Housewives of Miami. The ladies showed how easy it is to rain on any parade, no matter how sunny it is in southern Florida.
Of course, when we say “no one” we really mean Lea Black who swooped around the episode, Macbeth-like, ruining everything she could.
It’s true that some of the other housewives did their own minor damage. The episode opens at the house of Larsa and Scottie Pippen who have just gotten their adorable kids a lizard, a turtle and a rabbit. Always one to aim high for her children, Larsa's gleeful to find they haven’t yet killed the creatures.
What, is she raising serial killers? Thank goodness she has nannies to clean up when Fluffy meets her unfortunate end.
Invited to walk in a fashion show, Alexia remarks condescendingly, “I like to support the local designers. They’re very talented but unfortunately some of them will never be discovered.”
And everyone’s ready to rain on Lea’s fashion parade. At first Cristy Rice tries to be diplomatic, saying, “Lea Black has a sense of style I can’t understand.” But throughout the episode Lea seemed ready to audition for “Widow #3” on the direct-to-VHS-re-release of Moonstruck 2: Return to Sicily (For a Funeral). We had to practically close our eyes when she went to Blumarine to squeeze garish fashions over her lumpy form.
Lea showed that there’s no milk of human kindness flowing through her cold black heart. Take the pig roast Alexia and Hermann throw for friends. If someone goes to the trouble of picking, butchering and roasting a whole pig for an entire day, nod politely and smile, even if you don’t care for pork.
Lea screeches about the party, and we liked the pig-like Herman just a little more for whacking at the carcass with abandon when he realized her discomfort. Once seated, Lea says loudly, although no one offers her anything, “No, no, I’ll just have rice and beans.”
She even tries to ruin the sweetest moment so far on The Real Housewives of Miami. Earlier in the episode, we see cute little Marysol at an intimate dinner with Philippe. He reveals a recent visit to her father to ask for her hand in marriage. Though she’s an independent, modern woman, Marysol seems truly touched.
“So I am in front of you now asking if you want to spend the rest of your life with me,” Philippe says with an admirable mixture confidence and vulnerability. Not minding the cameras, he places a bulky engagement ring on her tiny finger and she consents. “Cherie, this is opulent and beautiful,” she exclaims, momentarily trying to determine just how many carats are resting there.
Within minutes, they decide to elope in Aspen, before the snow melts. They kiss and toast, and as the handsome Philippe gazes across the table, it seems like Marysol has truly landed Prince Charming.
Readers, who can resist the lure of a charming man from gay Paris? No one in Miami, apparently!
Between the two of us here at Aftershocks, we’ve racked up a few ourselves. But beware: a French beau fades quickly when the charm of the cliché wears off and brooding indifference sets in. Just look at struggling gallery owner Adriana’s souring relationship with sullen Frederic!
Marysol doesn’t seem the least bit apprehensive, until the pig roast when Lea takes a figurative dump on the glamorous couple. “I didn’t know you needed a green card!” she blurts out, a few times, while gulping Merlot and cackling like a fool. The table goes a little silent.
Marysol ruminates in her video diary, “Is that what the others are thinking?” We can’t remember the exact nature of Philippe’s career, it’s true. And Alexia is the first to compliment Philippe for being willing to take a backseat to a woman like Marysol.
Oh dear, it seems Herman isn’t the only one brandishing a cleaver at this swine-fest.
Meanwhile, Larsa can’t resist being the shallow bitch. Noticing how much Marysol enjoys the pig, she cracks, “I think she started to oink.” Later, when Larsa calls a service and rejects nannies from Jamaica and Hungary, as if she were picking shoes, it becomes perfectly clear who the pig really is.
Still, that’s nothing compared to the hatchet job Lea performs on poor Adrianna’s self-esteem. When Adrianna drives over in her white convertible to deliver Lea’s portrait from last week’s disastrous art show, the floodgates open. Adriana is at her weakest, and Lea can’t wait to confess, on video diary, about how crappy Adriana’s life has been since her ex-husband dumped her for a younger woman.
When Lea relates the story of a homeless Adriana sleeping on the floor of her art gallery with her son, she’s practically salivating. And when Adriana worries about paying her son’s private school tuition, Lea offers to throw a fundraiser. The best advice she can manage is, “Leave your pride at the door!”
Who needs pride when you’ve got a friend like Lea? She’d be the first in line to pry the ruby slippers off your dead body.
Thank goodness Marysol’s mother, Elsa the good witch, reappears to save the episode. Keeping the fairy-tale alive, Elsa pretends to be surprised at the extravagant ring, even if secretly she helped Philippe pick it out.
Elsa and the “family gay,” Frank, sip wine and marvel as Marysol tries on an array of gorgeous wedding gowns. She looks perfect in each and every one, and the team can’t decide. Elsa admits, “You look like Princess Caroline of Monaco!”
We’re with you Elsa, and it’s not because of your witchy ways. In just three episodes, Marysol has totally won our hearts. We think she deserves a gorgeous wedding in the snow.