Comeback Control

In announcing a Masters return, Tiger Woods proves he's a phony

Anyone who thought Tiger Woods might be serious about changing, serious about being committed to repairing his relationship with his wife can forget those quaint notions.

Anyone who believed that a different Tiger would emerge from his tabloid-forced sabbatical can table that belief as well.

For in announcing his return to competitive golf at the Masters in a statement on his Web site moments ago, Woods showed he is the same old Tiger. The only thing he cares about is winning the golf tournaments that matter to him.

To make his absence mean anything, Tiger had to skip at least one major. Those are the only tournaments he cares about, the only ones that impact his legacy. Instead, he's coming back at the most convenient possible moment for him. This is all about what's good for Tiger. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

Like usual.

By returning at Augusta, Tiger is guaranteed to be spared from the media storm that would have greeted him at almost any other event. The Masters controls media access with the force of a stormtrooper.

No TMZ, no Access Hollywood, no National Enquirer, no one that could give Tiger grief will be admitted. The Masters maintains a strict policy of cutting off media credential requests for the tournament on Dec. 31 of the year before. That means that even many general news reporters from reputable outlets that might be suddenly interested in the tournament because of Tiger won't get in.

Instead, they'll receive the standard sorry-apply-again next year letter that everyone else gets.

Former Masters chairman Hootie Johnson turned down any women at Augusta (for membership), giving up big commercial dollars just to prove his point. Do you think Hootie's successors will have any problem turning down Anderson Cooper? Or Brian Williams? Or anyone who wasn't timely?

This is the most controlled environment Tiger could possibly come back in. He'll be largely surrounded by the same band of golf writers who still write in fear of him. And do you think that any fan with one of those coveted Masters badges is going to risk getting barred for life by heckling Tiger?

The world's No. 1 ranked golfer will be free to do what he does best: Obsess over golf. Which is fine. That's all he cares about. He just needs to stop trying to sell the public a series of tall tales.

That commitment to sex rehab? Phony. That vow that his family now comes first? Absurd.

If Tiger's main mission was saving his marriage with Elin, if he cared about building a relationship with the two young children he often left behind to bang Perkins waitresses, he would have stayed away much longer.

Consider me one of the duped. I largely believed Tiger when he came out in front of that blue curtain at PGA Headquarters and gave us 18 minutes of a Tiger that we've never seen before. Until the last few weeks, I thought Tiger would stay out till the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach in June. Now, his return just rings hollow.

“When I finally got into a position to think about competitive golf again, it became apparent to me that the Masters would be the earliest I could play,” Woods said in his Web site statement.

Make that the earliest easiest way he could play. He didn't even skip one major? Is he serious? He may as well have dropped the whole charade from the beginning.

Tiger's probably laughed about it all with his fellow cheating buddy Michael Jordan. If Tiger had his way, he'd only play in the majors. This absence will probably do wonders for his already unmatched game. He avoided four months of wear and tear on his repaired knees, while not missing a single tournament he truly cares about. This is like Brett Favre skipping training camp.

Tiger should run into a fire hydrant next November too.

He's coming back as controlling as ever too, as fixated on making people bow to his wishes and whims. So much for growing through therapy? This Tiger return is on his time by his terms.

So forget the apology, those seemingly real moments of regret last month. Tiger is still Tiger, one of the most selfish athletes on the planet.

unspecified

wyd 4 vday?

8 quirky Valentine's Day date ideas for offbeat Houston couples

Courtesy of the Health Museum

The Health Museum invites couples to dissect sheep hearts this Valentine's Day.

Valentine’s Day is upon us. For couples who are ready to ditch the same old roses-and-dinner routine, here are some offbeat ways to celebrate the occasion. From dissecting sheep hearts to testing your LEGO-building skills, it's easy to make this an unforgettable Valentine's Day. Whether you’re in a situationship or happily coupled, read on for some of Houston’s quirkiest ways to celebrate the holiday of love — no heart-shaped box of chocolates required.

It’s What’s Inside that Counts

Rather than letting someone break your heart, why not cut one apart together? At the Health Museum’s Heartstrings Unraveled, each couple will receive a sheep’s heart and be guided through a dissection by a doctor and science educator.

Heartstrings Unraveled begins with a three-course dinner, including made-to-order pasta dishes and unlimited beer and wine. A caricaturist will also be on hand to provide you and your sweetheart with a memento of the night. Attendees can also explore the Health Museum’s exhibits after the dissection, including preserved human bodies and organs at Body Worlds 101. Tickets are $150 per guest, with the program beginning at 6 pm.

For those who are fans of the macabre, but prefer a little less hands-on experience, the National Museum of Funeral History’s Till Death Do Us Part Market might just be the ticket. For $25 each, lovebirds will receive two drink tickets and admission to the market featuring more than 40 small business vendors. For $75, attendees can gain access to a VIP lounge with light bites, four drink tickets, and some swag. The event begins at 7 pm for general admission and 6 pm for VIP.

Visitors can peruse the museum and learn about everything from the history of embalming to the origins of various coffin designs. A certified copy of the Shroud of Turin is even on display.

Play Games, Not People

For a true challenge, see if your love can survive the heat of competition with a flirty game of putt-putt.

The Puttery is getting into the mood with a Cupid’s Course pop-up from February 3-23. Meanwhile, Holey Moley’s Caddyshack bar is pairing libations with love, including the “chocolate covered kisses” cocktail with vanilla-infused vodka and house chocolate liqueur ($14) and the “shot through the heart” shooter ($8).

At Holey Moley, prices are $36 for 27 holes, $26 for 18 holes, and $14 for 9 holes from Fridays through Sundays. The Puttery offers unlimited 9-hole play for $25 after 5 pm on Fridays and Saturdays.

Or why not settle your “situationship” once and for all at Cidercade’s sixth annual Stoplight Party on Valentine’s Day? Each attendee receives a colored armband — green for single, yellow for “it’s complicated,” and red for “in a relationship.” If your date doesn’t pick the right hue, you can always go green and mingle with other singles while playing unlimited arcade games. Tickets for the 21+ event are $12 each for admission, with food and drinks available for purchase.

Catch Feelings and a Flick

Of all the parks in all the towns in all the world, you should walk into Discovery Green for a screening of the granddaddy of all romantic films: Casablanca. This free event makes it easy to celebrate amore with vendors such as Craftella Bouquet Bar providing flowers and Phoenicia serving up a sweet bar with chocolate. Pack a picnic or order burgers and fries from the Lake House Cafe. The festivities kick off at 5 pm, with the movie starting at 7 pm. Arrive early to secure a good spot.

For a more elevated movie experience, Heights & Co. is hosting a viewing of Valentine’s Day accompanied by a four-course meal for $55. Patrons will be greeted with a complimentary glass of champagne before settling in at a table on the pergola for dinner. The restaurant will feature themed cocktails — try “the Valentino,” a lavender-and-raspberry-infused vodka concoction with prosecco, lime, and fresh lavender. To top it off, enjoy the popular s’mores board, where couples can roast marshmallows over a personal flame for a sweet, gooey finish. Showings are at 5:30 pm, 7:30 pm, and 9:30 pm. Reservations required.

Let’s Build Something Together

The Houston Toy Museum’s Lego Night Out is only open to those 18 and up, so couples won’t have to arm-wrestle a seven-year-old for the Lego Hedgehog Picnic set. This laidback evening is not just for couples, but surely there isn't anything more romantic than building a Lego Rose Bouquet with the person who makes your heart skip a beat. The museum will have more than 10 different Lego sets available for purchase, ranging from $13 to $80. Attendees can build their sets while enjoying beer and snacks as rom-coms play on the projector. Entry is $10, and the event runs from 7-10 pm.

valentines day holidays romance