You Know What I Mean?
Dear Fayza: Now that Halloween is Whore-O-Ween, do I have to be a slut tocelebrate?
So this isn't your idea of a Halloween costume. Duly noted.
But a stupid, half-assed attempt at a costume isn't exactly what you had inmind, either.
October in Houston certainly is lovely, isn't it?
The persistent heat finally gives way to pleasant, breezy days. The crowded, air-conditioned dining rooms give way to open, sprawling patios.
And the clothing gives way to a whole lot of voluptuous vistas.
Dear Fayza,
I'm invited to a bunch of costume parties this Halloween, and I've never been to one before. Nor do I have a costume. I'd love to make my own, but I don't have one creative bone in my body.
It's getting closer and closer to Halloween, and I'm still trying to figure out this whole thing out — who I want to be and all.
The thing is, I can't find a thing out there. Everything is slutty.
Do all costumes for women have to be slutty? Do I have to be slutty in order to go to Halloween parties?
- The Lady Is Not a Tramp
Dear Lady,
Ah yes, 'tis the season for Whore-O-Ween. Where "liberated ladies" "express themselves" by hiking hemlines and swapping swathe for skin.
It's truly the most wonderful time of the year. Unless you're a woman, that is.
In this scenic season, it's particularly difficult for a woman to keep a finger on the pulse of her dignity while navigating the waters of short, shorter, and would-make-a-napkin-jealous costuming. If at least one significant part of your fleshy regions isn't dangerously exposed, then apparently, costume shops don't want you partaking in the holiday. After all, it's only Halloween attire if it's preceded by the word "sexy."
And now back to our regularly scheduled advice columnist — smacking sense into women since the late 1970s.
For some, this evolved norm actually begs the question as to whether these women are dressing up at all. But for you, it sounds as if you simply want to show up to the festivities without being the lone lame-o in the room that couldn't be bothered to grab a shovel and call herself a gold digger.
But where do you start? Start with what you've already got. Remember when you were a slopes-slicin' snow bunny? Dust off that ski jacket and goggles; you're goin' trick-or-treating. Is your toolbox exploding with Mr. Fix-It know-how? Grab your tool belt or a lone screwdriver — Bob (err, Bonnie) the Builder or Screwdriver Sally, here you come.
Those former hobbies that were cluttering up your garage? They just became your solution to a lack of creativity. Hellooo, Halloween!
But don't stop there. Get even more resourceful. Everyone's got an old costume collecting dust in a box somewhere. Ask friends — ones that value the bodily real estate that clothing covers, that is — what you can borrow. Chances are, they're not as green as you in the costume party department.
Thrift stores are also a veritable gold mine for ideas and inspiration. Where else will a hideous matching vest and bandana prompt a Punky Brewster revival?
I could go on all day, but my editor needs my article before I can start my weekend. But I hope you get my point that the sky's — and not your thighs — the limit when it comes to your alternate persona, come Oct. 31.
No matter what you decide to don, you have options — candy buckets full of them. Fortunately, baring your boobies doesn't have to be one of them.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, ask me for advice, and I'll be discrete. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. My advice might scare you, but I'm actually quite harmless.
