You Know What I Mean?

Dear Fayza: Now that Halloween is Whore-O-Ween, do I have to be a slut tocelebrate?

So this isn't your idea of a Halloween costume. Duly noted.
But a stupid, half-assed attempt at a costume isn't exactly what you had inmind, either.

October in Houston certainly is lovely, isn't it?

The persistent heat finally gives way to pleasant, breezy days. The crowded, air-conditioned dining rooms give way to open, sprawling patios.

And the clothing gives way to a whole lot of voluptuous vistas.

Dear Fayza,

I'm invited to a bunch of costume parties this Halloween, and I've never been to one before. Nor do I have a costume. I'd love to make my own, but I don't have one creative bone in my body.

It's getting closer and closer to Halloween, and I'm still trying to figure out this whole thing out — who I want to be and all.

The thing is, I can't find a thing out there. Everything is slutty.

Do all costumes for women have to be slutty? Do I have to be slutty in order to go to Halloween parties?

- The Lady Is Not a Tramp

Dear Lady,

Ah yes, 'tis the season for Whore-O-Ween. Where "liberated ladies" "express themselves" by hiking hemlines and swapping swathe for skin.

It's truly the most wonderful time of the year. Unless you're a woman, that is.

In this scenic season, it's particularly difficult for a woman to keep a finger on the pulse of her dignity while navigating the waters of short, shorter, and would-make-a-napkin-jealous costuming. If at least one significant part of your fleshy regions isn't dangerously exposed, then apparently, costume shops don't want you partaking in the holiday. After all, it's only Halloween attire if it's preceded by the word "sexy."

And now back to our regularly scheduled advice columnist — smacking sense into women since the late 1970s.

For some, this evolved norm actually begs the question as to whether these women are dressing up at all. But for you, it sounds as if you simply want to show up to the festivities without being the lone lame-o in the room that couldn't be bothered to grab a shovel and call herself a gold digger.

But where do you start? Start with what you've already got. Remember when you were a slopes-slicin' snow bunny? Dust off that ski jacket and goggles; you're goin' trick-or-treating. Is your toolbox exploding with Mr. Fix-It know-how? Grab your tool belt or a lone screwdriver — Bob (err, Bonnie) the Builder or Screwdriver Sally, here you come.

Those former hobbies that were cluttering up your garage? They just became your solution to a lack of creativity. Hellooo, Halloween!

But don't stop there. Get even more resourceful. Everyone's got an old costume collecting dust in a box somewhere. Ask friends — ones that value the bodily real estate that clothing covers, that is — what you can borrow. Chances are, they're not as green as you in the costume party department.

Thrift stores are also a veritable gold mine for ideas and inspiration. Where else will a hideous matching vest and bandana prompt a Punky Brewster revival?

I could go on all day, but my editor needs my article before I can start my weekend. But I hope you get my point that the sky's — and not your thighs — the limit when it comes to your alternate persona, come Oct. 31.

No matter what you decide to don, you have options — candy buckets full of them. Fortunately, baring your boobies doesn't have to be one of them.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, ask me for advice, and I'll be discrete. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. My advice might scare you, but I'm actually quite harmless.

unspecified

finally!

$30 million, 100-acre new park rises in Houston's Sunnyside neighborhood

Photo courtesy of Houston Parks Board

The Hill at Sims is finally open to the public.

After five years in development, the Hill at Sims park, greenway, and community space is finally open to the public. Helmed by Harris County Commissioner Rodney Ellis, Hill at Sims will serve multiple functions to enhance accessibility to nature and walkable paths in South Houston.

“For too long, communities like Sunnyside — where I grew up — have gone without the parks and greenspaces they deserve. Hill at Sims changes that,” said Ellis. “At a time when working families face rising costs and shrinking public resources, investments like this matter. Safe, beautiful places to gather and enjoy time outdoors should not be luxuries reserved for the wealthiest neighborhoods.”

According to Ellis, the Hill at Sims is the first new park built in Sunnyside in half a century. It will formally open with a celebration on site at 9 am on Saturday, May 30. More information can be found at HoustonParksBoard.org.

First announced in 2021 during a Houston Parks Board meeting, the Hill at Sims project is a $30 million partnership between public and private funds that is representative of a new civil engineering philosophy in Houston. Spaces like the Hill at Sims are parks, stormwater detention structures, event pavilions, outdoor art galleries, and thoroughfares. The nearly five miles of dirt and paved trails are not just for evening walks and leisurely hikes; they connect into the larger Bayou Greenway Network designed to allow Houstonians alternative paths along the waterways to destinations like the Texas Medical Center and the sports district.

Beyond the connectivity, the Hill at Sims has several unique amenities that stand out even among Houston's rapidly innovating parks spaces. The Hill itself offers a breathtaking view of downtown and features several overlook spots for picnics and pictures. There are two different pavilions for performances or events, a fishable pier maintained by Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, and massive street art murals that were recently completed by both local and international artists.

Photo courtesy of Houston Parks Board

The Hill at Sims is finally open to the public.

“Hill at Sims reflects the kind of forward-thinking design Houston needs as we adapt to a changing climate,” said Justin Schultz, president and CEO of the Houston Parks Board. “Through strong public-private partnership and the leadership of Commissioner Ellis, we’ve transformed essential flood infrastructure into a resilient, nature-based park that expands access to greenspace, strengthens community connectivity, and turns a regional challenge into a lasting public benefit.”

Funding for the project was supplied by the Office of Commissioner Rodney Ellis as well as federal dollars secured by State Representative Dr. Alma Allen and Congressman Al Green. The Brown Foundation provided another $8 million in funding.

parks hill at sims opening