If I were to write Houston a love letter, it would go something like this:

"Dear Houston, please stop playing it safe when asking me for advice. I know this drama-dominated metropolis is nothing without your trite travails. Quit holding out on me, and let your inner bitch flag fly."

Then I would plaster it with perfectly planted kisses, a la Justin Bieber on Vanity Fair. But I'd mean it.

Don't hold back on me, Houston. Show me how evil you are. Take a cue from the letter writer below.

Dear Fayza,

I have a friend who is incredibly sweet, accomplished, loyal and unfortunately, very BORING. She is a solid person who enjoys getting out of the house and hanging out with big and small groups of people. I always invite her out because she doesn’t know very many people, and I’m happy to introduce her to more.

We’re sort of her connectors to getting to know people, and I sometimes feel like she relies on me for “what to do” every weekend. She is kind of boring and doesn’t keep conversation going very well, so I always feel like I need to be around her to make sure she is having a good time.

This may sound like I think I’m the life of the party (I’m not!), but it is exhausting constantly including her and not seeing her cultivate other friendships. She has even tried dating some guys in our group and they sleep together and guys end up letting it fizzle out because they think she is “kinda eh.”

Many people think we’re BFFs because we’re always together, but we’re not. We’re friendly, but we don’t have friendship fireworks. I’ve started not enjoying our time together because I ultimately ignore everyone else (and potential, awesome BFFs) when we’re in large groups.

I feel guilty ignoring others and I feel guilty for leaving her on her own. I realize she is a big girl and can totally handle life without me, but how do I distance myself from this super nice person who just isn’t my cup of tea?

- Faux BFF

Dear Faux,

Damn girl, you're good. You're spot on with that "faux" part of your moniker. Despite repeatedly saying that she's your friend, your liberal references to this woman's boringness (complete with reviews from men she's slept with — go-go-gadget disparager!) indicate otherwise. She sounds like a leech that you can't wait to scrape off with your pocket knife and fling into the cesspool of loneliness.

Have I made you feel badly about yourself? A wee bit? I hope so. Because you should feel bad. For about five seconds.

Now that perhaps your egregious ego has taken a bit of a hit, I'll admit — there's a semi-decent heart beneath your pseudo-Mean Girls chest. Aside from your faux-y godmother complex, you have no obligation to be anyone's social chauffeur.

You've turned pumpkins into golden stagecoaches for this black sheep, turned her pariah rags into jeweled in-crowd gowns, and you've stuffed her boring feet into glass slippers. She's as good and ready for the royal ball as you're going to get her.

But clearly, she's not invited to yours. Not only is she not your cup of tea, but you're just not that into her. And that's OK.

Friendship isn't immutable. It doesn't take surgery to correct. It's a choice you make out of your own free will. When it starts feeling like a chore, it's time to bail.

If you're not feeling friendship fireworks, chances are that she doesn't either. She probably feels indebted to you for all that you've done for her (and she should). She might even still need you for the services you provide, despite the fact that — gasp! — maybe she doesn't even like being in your company. Ever think about it that way?

Look, this is getting more awkward and indentured servitude-ish by the minute. I command you to release her — and yourself — from the shackles of faux friendship at once.

So stop. Just stop. Stop inviting her along. Stop going to great (or any) lengths to include her. When she calls you to hit the town with her? Stop being available. Don't be an asshole — return her calls and texts, for gawdsakes, and be cordial to her (but not chummy) if you see her out. You weren't raised in a barn. But unless you actually want to hang out with her, don't be a pig, either.

Your unfriendly unfurling may prompt a inquisition from your abandoned project. Fair enough — you ought to see this one coming. Be prepared to give her the watered-down version of what you've told me — that the sparks just aren't there. It's honest and mature — which she, as a human being, deserves from you. Minus all your gory judgments of her rumored lack of enthusiasm in bed, of course.

You're right, she's a big girl, and she can handle this. I just hope she appreciates your altruistic favors — of having had her very own faux-y godmother, and the favor you're doing her by relinquishing this woman from your increasingly wicked clutches.

You know the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"? Doesn't apply to me. I can make you do both, but only if you submit your most burning requests for advice to me at advice@culturemap.com. I'll even accept them through Facebook or Twitter. Because I know you're thirsty. Have a nice cool glass of the truth.