I’ve had some disappointing dates. For reference, my best Valentine's Day ever, the guy I was seeing showed up to my apartment with a half drunk bottle of Ste. Genevieve and took me to see a band. (Well, tried to take me. We were promptly kicked out for being too drunk/ underage.)
Yes, it was all downhill from there. I peaked at Ste. Genevieve.
After letdown after letdown, I began compiling some fail-proof reasons I’d make an ideal girlfriend. It's been in the works for half a decade. I originally intended it as a PowerPoint presentation complete with animated gifs, flying numbers and lots of the “dissolve” effect. (Love that effect!)
For brevity’s sake, I’ve resorted to list form and narrowed down my 100-some reasons to a lucky 13 best.
Why You Should Pick Me (or a disappointed girl like me) as Your Date:
1. I'm in pretty good shape, so I can keep up when we're running from the cops.
2. I don't have the AIDS.
3. I'm not your ex-girlfriend. What a crazy bitch she turned out to be.
4. I "get" you.
5. If I don't "get" you, I will pretend to really convincingly.
6. Want the secret of life? Good, because I have it.
7. Four words: Master of computer FreeCell.
8. I got fourth place in my eighth grade science fair!
9. I'm great with kids.
10. OK that's a lie, keep them away from me.
11. I can make us friendship bracelets ... for FREE!
12. I have spectacular taste in music, so you don't have to bother making me mixed tapes or introducing me to whatever "great" bands you like.
13. I'm pretty flaky, so you won't have to sacrifice any of your alone time for me.