Trendysomething in Somo
Raw red meat diets and Galena Park guerilla art: Houston's hipster future
Hipsters are a fickle lot, making it difficult to foresee just where their tastes will shift from moment to moment. For CultureMap's January editorial series, "Imagine Houston's Future," I would like to proffer some examples (or heady advice) for trends that will take root in the decades to come. Check back over the next few weeks for future installments of indie trends of the 2020s and beyond.
Studying abroad in Haiti
Surely within five years, small liberal arts schools will have established study abroad programs in the Western Hemisphere's most impoverished nation. With special classes offered in voodoo, Creole and Sculpey therapy, Haiti will represent a haven for free spirits fed up with their cushy campuses.
Raw red meat diets
We're going to see a backlash in the vegan and SLGT movements. Hunting will be a really big deal, so start stocking up on guns now (but in a really liberal way). Authentic hipsters will throw out their stoves and ovens in exchange for professional quality butchering equipment.
The ironic mustache/beard will migrate northward, making follicle grooming between the eyes the thing to do. Hipsters will deny any claim that their unibrow is a reference to Frida Kahlo, because she's an overrepresented member of the female Surrealists in the canon of Latin American art.
The old zodiac
For a lot so averse to organized religion, hipsters have always had an unusual devotion to archaic superstition. Once the new zodiac goes lamestream, it will be time to rehash the glories of the original 12-sign system.
Championed by Old Navy in the 1990s, the many-pocketed garment will make an ironic comeback as both an homage to the discount retailer and blue collar workers. If you can score a vintage pair of Tommy Hilfiger carpenters, then you're golden. Carrying a hammer in the pant leg loop is a must.
Hammers in general
Remember the bandana in the oughts? This is its replacement.
This throwback technology will have the same appeal as Walkmen and black lights for the hipster of the future. The device will also come in handy during fights with parents about overdrawing from the trust fund. Bonus: Carpenter jeans can carry about 28 laser pointers at one time.
Light Rail Parties
Before you know it, the METRO rail system will link EaDo and Montrose with the rest of Houston, allowing hipsters to run rampant throughout the city. Citizens can anticipate flash mob-like raves on the late-night cars, fueled by fen phen and "good vibes."
Monster Truck Rallies
What was white trash then is cool and underground in the future. You might spy some bad kids in their mega automobiles roving around the dark alleys in Galena Park.
They've resisted the gritty, industrial aesthetic for long enough. It's time to indulge. Hipsters will commute between their communes in abandoned oil refineries with Segways (and of course, monster trucks). Galena Park is also segregated, with barricades between black and white neighborhoods — they'll serve as a prime surface for vaguely political street art.
All I can say is ... I can't wait. Check back next week for more tips for your future hipper-than-thou self.