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    we love water parks

    The ultimate guide to Houston's best water parks for splashy summer fun

    Craig Lindsey
    Jul 26, 2018 | 12:37 pm

    When beating the summertime heat, few excursions are more enjoyable than diving into a big, welcoming water park. Americans so love these aquatic adventures that theres's even a National Waterpark Day.

    Fortunately, as the temperatures rise (and you and the kids need a day-long activity), Houston offers several options that are well worth the drive. We've rounded up a list of water parks that'll have you swimming, slipping, and sliding away the Houston sultriness.

    Altitude H2O
    Located off Highway 288 and CR 418 in Rosharon, Altitude H20 is a new and wildly popular floating water park. Here, guests can bounce around on a 25,000-square-foot, inflatable aqua park and obstacle course. Expect obstacles such as a balance beam, wiggle bridge, monkey bars, trampolines, and half-pipe. Each 45-minute session costs $20. Noon-5 pm.

    Moody Gardens
    The everything-but-the-kitchen-sink amusement complex in Galveston also has its own water park hangout, known as Palm Beach. That's where you'll find its Lazy River attraction, its 18-foot tower slides and, of course, the wave pool. Tickets are $23.95 ($18.95 kids and seniors; free for children 3 and under). 9 am-7 pm. (9 am-10 pm Friday-Saturday)

    Pirates Bay
    This Baytown park has all the required attractions: wave pool, lazy river, slides, and play structures. But the complex also has such amusingly named, high-speed rides as the Flowrider, the Space Bowl, and the Boomerango. Anyone taller than 48 inches pays $20, while people below four feet pay $15. ($5 more Friday-Sunday) 11 am-7 pm. (10 am-7 pm Friday-Sunday)

    Schlitterbahn Waterpark Galveston
    The Galveston favorite has the perhaps the craziest-named speed slides in Texas — including Rohr!, Cliffhanger, and the Screaming Serpents body slides. A great bonus: If you hate being out in the sun, this park has you covered (literally) with Wasserfest, its indoor/convertible waterpark. Day passes are $50.99 ($38.99 for kids and seniors). 10 am-8 pm.

    Typhoon Texas Waterpark
    The Katy attraction already won our hearts when it opened two years ago, with its 25,000-square-foot wave pool and cabanas for rent. The park is currently getting in the holiday spirit early with its weeklong "Christmas in July" celebration. Any-day passes are $39.99. ($19.99-$39.99 for choose-your-day tickets) 10:30 am-7 pm. (10:30 am-9 pm Friday-Saturday)

    Wet 'n' Wild Splashtown
    This Spring institution is nearly 35 years old and continues to be the one of Texas' most beloved and familiar water parks, with thrill rides, kids rides, family rides — and even a three-story tree house on the premises. Tickets are $45.99 ($34.99 for kids). 10 am-7 pm. (10 am-8 pm Friday-Sunday)

    Yogi Bear's Jellystone Park Camp & Resort
    The Waller theme park provides a fine place to camp out. It also offers two water slides (including the 565-foot Jelly Roll water slide), a lazy river, a swimming pool with a swim-up bar, and other fun, watery stuff. A visitor's day pass is $19 (kids 3 and under get in free). 10 am-7 pm.

    Opening soon: Big Rivers Waterpark
    Locals have been eagerly watching the construction — which has been delayed due to recent storms — of this New Caney water park, which is slated to open this summer. Big Rivers staff advises that interested guests visit its website to see the exciting attractions, such as the Gator Splash — which they claim is the largest interactive play structure in Texas — and the floating fortress known as Wild Isle. Tickets are $29.99 (free for children 2 and under).

    There's major bounce for the ounce at Altitude H20.

    Altitude H2O
    Altitude H2O/Facebook
    There's major bounce for the ounce at Altitude H20.
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    Movie Review

    Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

    Alex Bentley
    Dec 26, 2025 | 2:30 pm
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda
    Photo by Matt Grace
    Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

    In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

    The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

    Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

    Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

    The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

    It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

    Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

    Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

    ---

    Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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