Adam Levine Gives It Up

That sexy man Adam Levine gives up the dirt on Maroon 5's scandals and secrets in a spinning Rodeo concert

If you were not one of the 75,214 Maroon 5 fans who managed to get a much sought after ticket to Thursday night’s Houston Rodeo concert before the show sold out, I’m so sorry.

You missed a concert stripped down to the bare essentials, a band in their top form, playing the songs that spanned their history and made them million of fans. But perhaps more importantly you missed a night where Maroon 5 revealed secrets and even scandals which exposed the real Maroon 5 for all to see.

Hold onto your cowboy hats because here’s the dirt:

Maroon 5 is sometimes mistaken for Keith Urban or possible a llama

This is the only reason I can think of that Adam Levine kept announcing in the beginning, middle and end of the concert that they were indeed Maroon 5. Perhaps he thought we had all arrived on the wrong day or had spent so much time wandering through the livestock show we could no long distinguish between human faces.

Adam Levine suffers from revolving-stage sickness

During “Love Someone” Levine grabbed the mike like it was a lifeline, closed his eyes to the world and emoted like the master thespian he is becoming. Had he plunged deep into the songs lyrics, dredging into some emotional well of which we can hardly fathom?

No, he was simply trying not to throw up all over his band mates.

Levine revealed late into the performance that the revolving stage was making him nauseous and closing his eyes helped to steady him as the world spun round.

Adam Levine would really like to reach out and touch us all

Along with the ever spinning stage, Levine also seemed frustrated at the distance between the band and audience. Marveling at the tower of seats and people surrounding him but still so far away, he admitted he wished he was closer to the audience or at the very least the stage was bigger so he could “interact” with the crowd. We’d love to interact with you too, Adam.

Maroon 5 wanted all nearby life forms to enjoy the show

There were times during the concert that Levine hit notes so high, I’m pretty sure only the bulls and sheep backstage could hear them.

The Sexiest Man Alive is much more modest than his Voice cohort/sexiest six pack alive holder, Usher

Usher gave us a nipple and pack peek, but Levine stayed fully and comfortably clothed throughout the evening, though we did get a look at the guns and tats.

Adam Levine once tried to morally corrupt the innocence of the rodeo captioning board

This was Maroon 5‘s third rodeo but it’s been a while since they were last here. What kept them away? Levine confessed it was his potty mouth antics that got them put on the not-all-that-permanent blacklist.

During the last concert in 2006, he decided to have a little fun with the fact that everything he said and sang was being transcribed and immediately broadcast on the video boards throughout the stadium. He left it up to our imagination just what exactly he said.

Adam Levine makes the sweetest contrite face when apologizing for corrupting the innocence of a rodeo captioning board

He was heartfelt and seemed quite sincere because of all the kids in the audience at that infamous concert. However, I think I can speak for all Houstonians when I make the following suggestion.

Adam, if you truly want our forgiveness for this egregious behavior, a one-on-one personal apology works best. Stop by the CultureMap offices tomorrow, and we’ll be happy to accept whatever offering of remorse you feel the need to give.

Set List:

One More Night
This Love
Harder to Breathe
Sunday Morning
Makes Me Wonder
Wake Up Call
Love Somebody
Stereo Hearts
Moves Like Jagger
Payphone
She Will Be Loved
Daylight

Adam Levine knows how to channel that sexiness as he showed in his Houston Rodeo show.

Photo by Michelle Watson CultureMapSnap

Adam Levine knows how to channel that sexiness as he showed in his Houston Rodeo show.

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Movie Review

Meta-comedy remake Anaconda coils itself into an unfunny mess

Photo by Matt Grace

Jack Black and Paul Rudd in Anaconda.

In Hollywood’s never-ending quest to take advantage of existing intellectual property, seemingly no older movie is off limits, even if the original was not well-regarded. That’s certainly the case with 1997’s Anaconda, which is best known for being a lesser entry on the filmography of Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez, as well as some horrendous accent work by Jon Voight.

The idea behind the new meta-sequel Anaconda is arguably a good one. Four friends — Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) — who made homemade movies when they were teenagers decide to remake Anaconda on a shoestring budget. Egged on by Griff, an actor who can’t catch a break, the four of them pull together enough money to fly down to Brazil, hire a boat, and film a script written by Doug.

Naturally, almost nothing goes as planned in the Amazon, including losing their trained snake and running headlong into a criminal enterprise. Soon enough, everything else takes second place to the presence of a giant anaconda that is stalking them and anyone else who crosses its path.

Written and directed by Tom Gormican, with help from co-writer Kevin Etten, the film is designed to be an outrageous comedy peppered with laugh-out-loud moments that cover up the fact that there’s really no story. That would be all well and good … if anything the film had to offer was truly funny. Only a few scenes elicit any honest laughter, and so instead the audience is fed half-baked jokes, a story with no focus, and actors who ham it up to get any kind of reaction.

The biggest problem is that the meta-ness of the film goes too far. None of the core four characters possess any interesting traits, and their blandness is transferred over to the actors playing them. And so even as they face some harrowing situations or ones that could be funny, it’s difficult to care about anything they do since the filmmakers never make the basic effort of making the audience care about them.

It’s weird to say in a movie called Anaconda, but it becomes much too focused on the snake in the second half of the film. If the goal is to be a straight-up comedy, then everything up to and including the snake attacks should be serving that objective. But most of the time the attacks are either random or moments when the characters are already scared, and so any humor that could be mined all but disappears.

Black and Rudd are comedy all-stars who can typically be counted on to elevate even subpar material. That’s not the case here, as each only scores on a few occasions, with Black’s physicality being the funniest thing in the movie. Newton is not a good fit with this type of movie, and she isn’t done any favors by some seriously bad wigs. Zahn used to be the go-to guy for funny sidekicks, but he brings little to the table in this role.

Any attempt at rebooting/remaking an old piece of IP should make a concerted effort to differentiate itself from the original, and in that way, the new Anaconda succeeds. Unfortunately, that’s its only success, as the filmmakers can never find the right balance to turn it into the bawdy comedy they seemed to want.

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Anaconda is now playing in theaters.

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