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    See you in September, social life

    During Ramadan, even good Muslim girls get the blues

    Fayza A. Elmostehi
    Aug 11, 2010 | 6:18 am
    • Hey, Ramadan. Good to see you again.
    • What does it take to keep your mind off food when you're fasting during Ramadan?Anything and everything to make the time pass faster.
    • Ramadan is a happy time, but it can be a lonely time, too.

    In most of the Arab world, the Muslim holy month of Ramadan begins on Wednesday, with the global remainder following suit on Thursday. The 1,400-year-old tradition is touted as an exercise in self-restraint, increasing spirituality and appreciation of God's blessings.

    Falling in the middle of well-lit August this year, the ninth month on the Islamic calendar is expected to be a particularly grueling period for fasting. Longer daylight hours equal extra-hollow tummies, deprived of nourishment from sunrise until sunset.

    Ramadan is also the time of year when most modern, piecemeal Muslims redeem themselves. The hijab-optional, my-parents-are-Muslims crowd. As a proud, (formerly) practicing piecemealer for about five years, I know the schtick well.

    Because let's be honest. Just like you, Muslims aren't all the same. We're sick of you asking us whether we pray five times daily (Answer: Right in between client meetings!), we're not going to hide our Shiners behind our backs when you peer at us quizzically and ask, "Aren't you Muslim?" and yes, we still have sex.

    With Jews and Catholics. To whom we're not married. Oh, the horror!

    So, the situationally pious of the faith take the month to diligently refrain from smoking, drinking, and licking lipstick from our lips. Ramadan gives the absentmindedly devout the rare opportunity to make good on the promises we haven't kept to Allah throughout the year.

    The observation of Ramadan is a beautiful and noble endeavor, by objective standards. We fair-weather Muslims do all the self-restraint and selflessness stuff, and we do it pretty well. But only when summoned by the faith to which we loosely subscribe.

    While all the newfound gung-ho is generally admirable (and better than not at all), for most non-Muslim Americans, Ramadan merely means losing their Muslim friends for 30 whole days.

    To say Ramadan isn't difficult on the rallying Muslim is a bold-faced lie. It almost makes being a Catholic look easy (almost). I mean, they give up piddly vices like chocolate and fast food for Lent, yet we can't even be bulimic during Ramadan. Seriously, what gives?

    So accompanying you to an all-you-can-drink happy hour at our favorite dive bar, a private screening of the next blockbuster hosted by Gael Garcia Bernal himself, or the oh-so-popular girls' pap smear outing is unmistakably haraam until mid-September. Imagine how our hearts break.

    Not that we mind, really. Anything we can do in the name of Allah to make it right is worth it. Really.

    But we'll miss you, non-Muslim friends (of which we, the rarely religious, have many). August will be indubitably lonely without you. And tequila shots. And scandal mongering.

    So please, we implore you, don't forget about your furiously fasting friends. Call us when you get too drunk, because we'll live vicariously through you as your loving designated driver (but as soon as Ramadan's over, we're so dropping that duty). And if you happen to crave a gorgefest at 9 p.m., the Muslimahs are your girls.

    But, for the love of Allah, don't ask a Muslim at 3 p.m. if she is hungry. She may decide human flesh is worth breaking her fast as the order of the day.

    Lest you think I'm vapid, I get the point of Ramadan, I do. But as the Islamic brothers and sisters watch their friends zip off to New Braunfels for the annual float trip, the faithful female can only pray for Aunt Flo to hurry up so she can skip town.

    Ramadan Mubarak, loyalists. You are far better believers than I.

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    Movie Review

    Onslaught's brutal mix of horror, action, comedy can't find its footing

    Alex Bentley
    Sep 3, 2026 | 2:30 pm
    Adria Arjona in Onslaught
    Photo courtesy of A24
    Adria Arjona in Onslaught.

    The most important thing for any movie to establish early on is its tone. No matter the genre, a film needs to make its audience understand how they should feel as the story unfolds so that they’re willing to go along with whatever transpires on screen. A film that doesn't do that, such as the new Onslaught, runs the risk of failing to connect with viewers even if it has some interesting or fun elements to offer.

    One of the biggest issues for the movie is that it fails to fully invest in its main character, Celeste (Adriana Arjona). She’s a military veteran who now lives in and manages a desert trailer park, which is filled with a motley crew of offbeat people. She also has a contentious relationship with her ex, who unexpectedly drops off their daughter, Daisy (Blake Kennedy), soon after the film begins.

    Celeste has a stash of high-powered weapons, showing she hasn’t left her former career fully behind. Her expertise comes in handy when something goes wrong at a nearby military contractor facility run by Hans Kemmler (Dan Stevens), and a trio of super soldiers escapes into the wild. Trained to kill everyone in their path, it’s not long before they set their glowing eyes on the trailer park.

    Directed by Adam Wingard and written by Simon Barrett, the film has elements of horror, action, and comedy, but the filmmakers struggle in finding the right combination of the three. Wingard and Barrett divide the film’s focus between the trailer park and the military facility for a long time at the beginning of the film, and the quirkiness of people at the former mixed with the bold weirdness of the people at the latter keep viewers off balance in a bad way.

    Once they finally settle into the main part of the story where the super soldiers go on a rampage, the filmmakers overpromise and underdeliver. The showdown between a seemingly unstoppable group and an angry woman and her band of misfits seems destined to be highly entertaining, but comes off as underwhelming. The sequence is filled with brutality with no meaning and heroics that feel more accidental than purposeful.

    The ham-fisted way in which the story plays out is disappointing since the film has a bunch of characters who could have been great if used properly. The trauma of Celeste’s military career and personal life are hinted at, but don’t come into play as much as expected. Hans and his wife Hanna (Rebecca Hall) are completely off-the-wall, but their eccentricities seem to be apropos of nothing. The super soldiers are initially intimidating, but the climactic sequence undercuts them significantly.

    Arjona has yet to fully break out despite some good roles in Hit Man and the Disney+ show Andor. She makes for a good lead here, embodying the toughness of a military veteran while still being relatable. Stevens and Hall go all in with their bonkers characters, but the story doesn’t serve them well. Comic relief comes in the form of Reginald VelJohnson and Eric Wareheim, and they do a great job in smaller roles.

    A movie like Onslaught is typically one where the audience just turns off their brains and enjoys the carnage. But Wingard and Barrett try a little too hard by throwing in oddball characters that don’t add much to the story, forgetting to pay enough attention to the mechanics of the plot in the process.

    ---

    Onslaught opens in theaters on September 4.

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