Danielle finds a checkbook
Tick-tock, tick-tock. At last everything seemed ready to explode as the moment we’ve been waiting for arrived on this week’s holiday episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Danielle, determined to help that little baby with cancer, was heading with her self-proclaimed entourage to a benefit at the Brownstone, the Manzo’s banquet business and “second home.” With promos last week featuring ex-felons and petty threats galore, we were waiting for all hell to break loose, or at the least a few tables to get flipped.
And waiting, and waiting.
What had been billed as nearly the culmination of the ancient struggle between good and evil in Franklin Lakes, New Jersey, got off to a sluggish start. There was the anti-climactic drive home from the hospital for Teresa and newborn Audriana, who sported a massive rose hat bigger than her tiny head, a fluffy tutu, and pink booties that read “Princess.”
“They’re gonna have to make a bigger Cadillac for us,” Joe observes knowingly. But Teresa isn’t having any of it — or any more children. “Will you go get snipped?” she asks. Joe suggests they “have to make a couple more.” He’s got room on his bulging biceps for more tattoos of the names of his little girls.
Meanwhile Danielle meets Kim “G’ at The Endless Vine, a local watering hole. She explains that she can't help baby Emanuela financially, but she knows Kim is well-respected in the community. Jacqueline has a different spin in her video diary: “Danielle manipulates people. She always goes after people who have power or money.”
As the camera pans back to yet another shot of the half-moon, Danielle and Kim seal the deal, and Kim agrees to escort her to the benefit at the Brownstone. We thought that Danielle had her bases covered with ex-cons Danny and John, but it seems she needs the added protection of the aging Kim and perhaps her checkbook as well.
Jacqueline is turning out to be the most thrill-seeking of all the housewives. It must be tiring to be the good girl all the time. Last week, it was guns and bullets after wine with husband Chris. This week, it was more wine with Jaeme, mother of Ashley’s beau Derrick. The two get sloppier and sloppier as they celebrate Ashley’s apparent industry and abstinence—at least from alcohol.
“This wine is dee-lish,” quips the guzzling Jamee as the two pretend to peel grapes for one another.
Teresa sets out to prove that she “raises divas not tomboys” with an over-the-top party for Gia’s ninth birthday. There were chocolate-scented facials and manicures for Gia and pals.
The only thing more chaotic than a Barbie-pink limo chock full of 9-year olds was the plot of the anticipated showdown between Danielle and the Manzos. What a letdown that only the Manzo men were present, and only because they had to work.
Kim G arrives with her Bentley at Danielle’s home to take her to the fundraiser. She’s been enlisted to “protect” Danielle and asks naively, “Do you really think anyone is going to interfere with an event for a baby?”
Little does Kim G know that ex-con buddy turned bodyguard Danny was coming over. Like any proper housewife, she seems remarkably unruffled in spite of the small talk: “I can’t drink yet, but I only have six days until I can,” Danny admits. Kim G’s eyes widen a little when she learns he’s waiting for his parole to expire.
Misperception was the mainstay. As Caroline’s son Christopher greets all-gussied-up Danielle and Kim G in the parking lot, he warns them that they’ll be “in for a big surprise.” He just means they’re overdressed. The fundraiser is run by a hunting club, dress is casual, and the grand prize of the “Soft-Shell” raffle is a shotgun.
But Danielle convinces herself — and Kim G — of well-nigh murderous intentions in young Christopher. When the hunting club planners haven’t planned for Danielle’s entourage, there’s hell to pay. Literally, since Danielle counts a Hell’s Angels member among her party.
With no tables at the banquet to spare, Danny gets increasingly crazy as Danielle poses for pictures with checkbook-wielding Kim G. Danielle tells a nearby table full of indifferent children that everyone is out to get her. The proof is all around. She’s so busy finding it she doesn’t notice the slides of sick baby Emanuela floating over the ballroom.
Danny can only be restrained only by the threat of his upcoming parole hearing, “How much you going to disrespect us before we f*cking wreck the joint?” he asks nobody in particular.
Meanwhile, as the Manzo’s labor to set up extra tables, the organizers tire of Danielle’s drama and prefer that she leaves. Danielle then does the least dramatic thing of the night, She leaves of her own accord and for no apparent reason. “I think I’ve made my point,” she says. Clearly, there was to be no meeting of the minds that night.
Jacqueline: “She’s not a victim, she’s a nut-job.”
Danielle: “I have a good grasp on reality.”
Sure you do, Danielle.