Aftershocks
Catwalks & catfights & crossdressers collide on Real Housewives of New Jersey
Catwoman Melissa helps her hubby get dressed. Who's the hottest Jersey girl now?
Ready or not, a Posche fashion show always means drama.
Super Teresa!
Jacqueline was all smiles on the runway.
What does a housewife do when she’s not ruining a christening? Shop, plot, trick, treat, and stomp a runway. And start more fights.
At first the ladies took it down a notch this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. For much of the episode, they were licking their wounds and plotting new strategies. But there’s nothing like a fashion show to bring out the Jersey.
The episode begins like the calm after a storm: Kathy is nervously stirring a risotto as Melissa and Joe Gorga arrive for dinner at her house. She’s got good intentions, and only wants to be a shoulder the pair can lean on after the disaster at their son’s christening reception. And Melissa and Joe look as if they could use a crutch or two.
Joe doesn’t remove his black knit cap when they sit down to eat, and neither does Melissa. They look more like hoodlums, as if they’ve recently joined the reunited Symbionese Liberation Army and have Patty Hearst locked in a closet somewhere. Kathy and her husband Rich encourage the deflated pair to make up with Teresa and Joe Giudice.
When the show moved to a segment featuring Caroline Manzo visiting her daughter Lauren’s "beauty bar" (i.e. makeup booth), Face, in a local salon, we typed: “Yawn.” We’re sticking with it.
It’s Halloween, however, and what could be more fun than going trick-or-treating with the kids? Even the baby is dressed like a huge bat, his arms and feet completely bound in the get-up. He lies motionless on the floor, ready to go whenever the family decides to notice him or roll him down the driveway. Melissa is wearing a pair of red devil horns as she and Joe rush their children door-to-door. They’re anxious to get home and start their own “adult” party.
For weeks we’ve seen a preview of Melissa prancing around her bedroom dressed as Catwoman, and we’d assumed it was some sort of “marriage invigorating” outfit following her several pregnancies. If we’d only known it was this year’s Halloween costume! She looks sensational, we have to admit. And she makes an odd pair with Joe, who’s decided to wear one of her stretch-lycra minis, a pair of leggings, black pumps and a cheap black wig in a busted Snooki impression.
“You’re really a Jersey chick now,” Melissa exclaims, adding that he looks a bit like his sister, Teresa. Later at the club, he “rocks” the hasty drag and enjoys gyrating on a platform for everyone to see, convinced that he’s the prettiest girl in the place.
While we don’t think a gender reassignment is in Joe Gorga’s future, we do think he could give Snooki a run for her money on a middle-aged Jersey Shore. Oh wait, Bravo did that already!
So far, Bravo has done a stellar job editing the New Jersey housewives, with sudden shifts between the characters and scenes. As Joe stuffs red balloons in his bosom, the cameras move suddenly to Teresa, who is going out as “Super T,” some kind of mother-figure action hero she’s dreamed up to deal with her obviously unmanageable life. Kim G is dressed as a cat, three crooked whiskers smeared across her wrinkled cheeks with an eyeliner pencil. Kim D appears as a blond “sort-of hooker.” Kathy’s costume is ambiguous, but it’s likely that she was listening to an old recording of Cher’s “Half-Breed” when she whipped it up.
So we were almost relieved to see Kathy later accompany Melissa to Posche Boutique (yes, that’s Porsche with the “R” missing), the local boutique and historic site of housewife drama. Maybe she can find a pretty frock with a headdress. Kim Granitell wanders in as Kathy and Melissa chat through some retail grazing. Kim G no longer has Danielle Staub to sharpen her claws on, (she's moved on to bigger and brighter stripper poles at Scores) so now it’s Teresa’s turn. Kim thinks Teresa’s looking old with her “fat and square ass.”
It’s feels like a lifetime (or a commercial or two) between this little trip and the big, big night! Posche is having its annual fashion show at the Manzo’s reception hall, The Brownstone. Posche owner Kim D has asked both Melissa and Teresa to model some of her wares, which is sure to add a certain tense excitement to the event. Kim D must like playing with fire. Remember last year at the Posche Fashion show, when Jacqueline’s sullen daughter Ashley ripped hair extensions from Danielle “Garbage” Staub’s tender head? Those were the days.
Teresa knows that something is up when “old bag” Kim G arrives and heads right for the table where Melissa and her sisters seem to be thinking, “double, double, boil, and trouble!” The women nibble at their salads, but with the impending runway walk expected from each of them, there’s no relaxing to be had.
On the runway, Jacqueline flops in the first few seconds, waving at everyone and reminding us of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s classic, “Baby Got Back.” And when Melissa takes the stage, she shines, bouncing and misbehaving right down the runway. Why, she’s enjoying it so much that she returns for an impromptu encore! And it can only be a big letdown when Teresa half-heartedly tries to work the crowd with a gloomy expression on her face. Even Caroline says it looks “forced.”
There’s no way this little event wouldn’t lead to a sizable aftershock given last week’s quake. Jacqueline, clearly bored with herself, can’t wait for the fight to break out as Kathy pulls Teresa aside for a little heart-to-heart. After tense words, some finger-waving, and an accusation of parental neglect, Teresa’s ready to brawl.
Just as Teresa seems ready to flip yet another table, the sanctimonious and ineffectual Caroline thunders, “Not in my house. Kill each other in your own homes, I don’t care.” Funny, Caroline, with all the attention on Teresa, Melissa, and Kathy, it doesn’t seem like your house anymore.
