Now that she's 30, Paris Hilton focuses on babies and self tanning
The wealthy heiress who made a name for herself dancing atop New York City’s swankiest bars and brattily balking at farm work in The Simple Life turned the big three zero Thursday. Now the celebutante-socialite (cellulite?) emerges from her twenties a responsible adult … sort of.
To her credit, Paris Hilton doesn’t need daddy’s money. She oversees 17 merchandise lines including shoes, handbags, perfumes, apparel, sunglasses, champagne, lingerie and a line of fake nails, eyelashes and hair extensions.
Still, its unclear if “oversees” means she’s a fierce decision-maker a la Anna Wintour of Vogue or if she’s more like the college kid who was hired to chaperone my high school study “abroad” trip to Mexico, which is to say drunk and completely useless, if present at all.
So what will year 30 bring for Paris? Her new reality show The World According to Paris premieres on the Oxygen network this summer, and she promises not to play the “character” popularized in her previous reality shows.
“Now I’m ready to just show who I really am,” she told the New York Post.
But any successful reality star knows that showing who you “really” are just means you admit to something disgusting like snacking on Lucky Charms right out of the box and then you allow them to film you wearing sweatpants. Once.
So what else can we expect from the “real” Paris as she embarks on another decade and reality show?
When a woman turns 30 her biological clock immediately switches from the faint ticking of a wristwatch to a cuckoo clock exploding into panicked song every hour on the hour. Having bought every couture dog accessory in existence, Paris will bore of Tinkerbell and succumb to baby fever.
Don’t look for a baby bump. Paris recoiled at the sight of a dairy farm and most likely finds pregnancy “totes gross.” Hiring a surrogate or opting to adopt is ideal for Paris, especially considering the good chance that she’s actually a reptile (I’ve seen scales!) and/or has a reproductive system made out of sequins.
Turning the big three zero forces men and women alike to confront the first signs of aging. That means tanning is so out. (Sadly no one ever informed Fergie and Tara Reid.)
Paris will shun the sun and expand her product line to include self-tanning lotion. She’s already embraced fake nails, fake hair and fake lashes, why not fake bake? Self-tanner is admittedly icky — it smells like perfumed battery acid, is inexplicably sticky and basically impossible to work with — but so is Paris! Perfect match. Self-tanning lotion for baby will follow because a baby without a tan is like a Chihuahua without diamonds.
Talk about Being 30
There’s nothing women in their 30s love more than talking about how great their 30s are. Sure, my looks have faded but I know myself! I'm mature!
It’s kind of like how after you get dumped you have to make a point of telling everyone how fabulous being single is before going home to cry yourself to sleep. Paris has already caught wind, stating that friends describe 30 as “the most amazing year.”
By 31, expect her to publish a book about the wisdom and joy of the decade.