Porcines & sex tapes
Aftershocks: Dina departs and Real Housewives of New Jersey might as well bedead
Dina Manzo exited Real Housewives of New Jersey in a huff.
It's time for a new cast photo for the ladies of New Jersey.
“Look at Danielle!” Teresa shouts during an afternoon trip to a nearby farm and petting zoo.
The camera pans a pumpkin-lined road. But just beyond the haystacks, the real Danielle is nowhere to be found. Instead, the muddy snouts of two pigs sniff at the camera.
This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey had a decidedly porcine theme.
As Teresa and company laugh it up at the Positano Restaurant and Pizzeria, Danielle entertains her crew of Sex and the City-wannabes with tales of her fight with Dina. “She’s a disgusting pig,” Danielle declares between bites.
There was more consternation over Ashley’s new boyfriend Derek, who at this point really isn’t new. It’s depressing to watch him strive for acceptance week after week. Please, can’t we all just get along and let Derek fade into the scenery?
Jacqueline says that her sour-faced husband Chris is being cautious and protective, but we think he’s just plain dull. Does he resent the carefree excitement of the young lovers?
Derek may not be ready for Chris’s poker night. Gathering supplies at the pork store, Albie asks Chris, “Should we initiate him, or get rid of him?”And the pig metaphors continue when Jacqueline explains in her video diary that sometimes the guys “hogtie” a new initiate.
The game hardly goes as planned. Jacqueline sets up her video baby monitor to spy on the gents in between serving platters of prosciutto and salami. The men complain that she could have at least cooked something.
Upstairs, Jacqueline likens her daughter to a fat relative, and Ashley returns to the poker game to pout. In one of the most odious scenes of the season, Chris pulls Ashley’s lower lip with his dirty thumb and tells her to shut her mouth.
If anyone’s the pig in this episode, it’s Chris, but when Ashley calls mom, a 12-year-old, Jacqueline physically throws her out of the house. “Bitch,” Ashley mutters as she leaves.
Derek is left in a decidedly awkward situation: Stay with the men and suffer their stupid pranks (they substitute vinegar for an allegedly vintage wine) or stand by his gal. He chooses the former.
Meanwhile, just as we think poor Derek might be hogtied in Chris’ man-cave, Jacqueline asks Steve to step out for a word. Remember Steve, Danielle’s daily BJ beau from season one? Jacqueline chastises him for secretly taping his lovemaking sessions with Danielle.
Apparently last June Danielle tried to prevent the tape’s release, but according to recent reports there’s more to see of Danielle than ever.
Still, Jacqueline isn’t comfortable with Steve in her house. Teresa’s more pragmatic: “That’s what boys do.” Even Jacqueline confesses, “Of course I’ve made one, but I taped over it.” Steve, however, clarifies saying that Danielle made the videos by herself and sent them to his phone.
We weren’t quite falling for it when the renewed talk of the sex-tape scandal left Danielle feeling less than her sexy usual self. And we laughed when she abandoned her form-fitting dresses for baggy sweatshirts — at least for one take.
What’s a girl to do in the mean streets of Franklin Lakes but assemble her crew and escape to the “Squeeze Lounge” in Weehawken, where the stripper poles are “higher” than she remembered from her dancing days in the '80s.
Really, strip-tease is a form of exercise, Danielle reminds us. Better yet, it builds self-esteem. “I’m all about empowering women,” she says. And Danielle needs her power back.
Don’t get us wrong-we loved it when Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta hired two strippers with portable poles to teach her friends some moves. But we don’t think Danielle represents an intriguing new wave of feminism: “This is what worked on the father of my children,” she asserts.
After Danielle shows them how to “suggest” then “reveal,” the wives and slimy Danny and his buds throw dollar bills at her feet. She says wistfully that people used to throw “$20s, $50s, and $100s.”
Perhaps Danielle is empowered. Suffering under the weight of Danielle’s craziness, Dina’s finally decides to leave the show.
Dina, we’ll miss you. What will we do without New Jersey’s most glamorous and sophisticated housewife?
With so many pigs around, we’ll even miss your cat, Grandma Wrinkles.
