Porcines & sex tapes

Aftershocks: Dina departs and Real Housewives of New Jersey might as well bedead

Dina Manzo exited Real Housewives of New Jersey in a huff.
It's time for a new cast photo for the ladies of New Jersey.

“Look at Danielle!” Teresa shouts during an afternoon trip to a nearby farm and petting zoo.

The camera pans a pumpkin-lined road. But just beyond the haystacks, the real Danielle is nowhere to be found. Instead, the muddy snouts of two pigs sniff at the camera.

This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey had a decidedly porcine theme.

As Teresa and company laugh it up at the Positano Restaurant and Pizzeria, Danielle entertains her crew of Sex and the City-wannabes with tales of her fight with Dina. “She’s a disgusting pig,” Danielle declares between bites.

There was more consternation over Ashley’s new boyfriend Derek, who at this point really isn’t new. It’s depressing to watch him strive for acceptance week after week. Please, can’t we all just get along and let Derek fade into the scenery?

Jacqueline says that her sour-faced husband Chris is being cautious and protective, but we think he’s just plain dull. Does he resent the carefree excitement of the young lovers?

Derek may not be ready for Chris’s poker night. Gathering supplies at the pork store, Albie asks Chris, “Should we initiate him, or get rid of him?”And the pig metaphors continue when Jacqueline explains in her video diary that sometimes the guys “hogtie” a new initiate.

The game hardly goes as planned. Jacqueline sets up her video baby monitor to spy on the gents in between serving platters of prosciutto and salami. The men complain that she could have at least cooked something.

Upstairs, Jacqueline likens her daughter to a fat relative, and Ashley returns to the poker game to pout. In one of the most odious scenes of the season, Chris pulls Ashley’s lower lip with his dirty thumb and tells her to shut her mouth.

If anyone’s the pig in this episode, it’s Chris, but when Ashley calls mom, a 12-year-old, Jacqueline physically throws her out of the house. “Bitch,” Ashley mutters as she leaves.

Derek is left in a decidedly awkward situation: Stay with the men and suffer their stupid pranks (they substitute vinegar for an allegedly vintage wine) or stand by his gal. He chooses the former.

Meanwhile, just as we think poor Derek might be hogtied in Chris’ man-cave, Jacqueline asks Steve to step out for a word. Remember Steve, Danielle’s daily BJ beau from season one? Jacqueline chastises him for secretly taping his lovemaking sessions with Danielle.

Apparently last June Danielle tried to prevent the tape’s release, but according to recent reports there’s more to see of Danielle than ever.

Still, Jacqueline isn’t comfortable with Steve in her house. Teresa’s more pragmatic: “That’s what boys do.” Even Jacqueline confesses, “Of course I’ve made one, but I taped over it.” Steve, however, clarifies saying that Danielle made the videos by herself and sent them to his phone.

We weren’t quite falling for it when the renewed talk of the sex-tape scandal left Danielle feeling less than her sexy usual self. And we laughed when she abandoned her form-fitting dresses for baggy sweatshirts — at least for one take.

What’s a girl to do in the mean streets of Franklin Lakes but assemble her crew and escape to the “Squeeze Lounge” in Weehawken, where the stripper poles are “higher” than she remembered from her dancing days in the '80s.

Really, strip-tease is a form of exercise, Danielle reminds us. Better yet, it builds self-esteem. “I’m all about empowering women,” she says. And Danielle needs her power back.

Don’t get us wrong-we loved it when Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta hired two strippers with portable poles to teach her friends some moves. But we don’t think Danielle represents an intriguing new wave of feminism: “This is what worked on the father of my children,” she asserts.

After Danielle shows them how to “suggest” then “reveal,” the wives and slimy Danny and his buds throw dollar bills at her feet. She says wistfully that people used to throw “$20s, $50s, and $100s.”

Perhaps Danielle is empowered. Suffering under the weight of Danielle’s craziness, Dina’s finally decides to leave the show.

Dina, we’ll miss you. What will we do without New Jersey’s most glamorous and sophisticated housewife?

With so many pigs around, we’ll even miss your cat, Grandma Wrinkles.

unspecified

Movie Review

Masters of the Universe reboot mistakes nostalgia for good filmmaking

Photo courtesy of Amazon MGM Studios

Nicholas Galitzine in Masters of the Universe.

Most children who grew up in the '80s were either a fan of or knew about Masters of the Universe. The property, based on a line of toys from Mattel, spawned a popular-if-short-lived animated TV series, comic books, a comic strip, magazines, and a 1987 live action film starring Dolph Lundgren. It is now the latest IP to get a nostalgic reboot in the form of a new blockbuster film.

Nicholas Galitzine stars as Prince Adam of the planet Eternia, who as a child is exiled to Earth to protect the Sword of Power from invaders led by the evil Skeletor (voiced by Jared Leto). Years later, Adam is now working in the human resources department of a generic company, well-versed in corporate speak but disconnected from his heritage other than a never-ending desire to find the sword he lost when he crash-landed on Earth.

Spoiler alert, he recovers the sword and is soon thereafter rescued from Earth by childhood friend Teela (Camila Mendes). Adam’s return to Eternia is less-than-stellar, as the citizens have difficulty believing he’s the long-lost prince, especially because he initially can’t harness the power of the sword. Naturally, he figures it out eventually, leading to a number of face-offs between him and Skeletor’s minions.

Directed by Travis Knight (Bumblebee) and written by a four-person writing team, the film is yet another cynical attempt at exploiting a certain group’s nostalgia without putting any effort into actually making a good movie. The very first scene of the film is a CGI-filled battle between characters that have barely been introduced, much less explained to the audience. For longtime fans, this will be no issue. For everyone else, though, it immediately signals that the filmmakers don’t care about making them care about anyone or anything in the story.

Instead, they substitute actual character development with a campy and self-deprecating vibe that’s in line with the original series. That’s all well and good if the intended audience was solely 50-year-olds, but for a movie that presumably wants to bring in younger audiences, it’s a choice that never fully comes through. Some characters try to be funnier than others, and most of the “jokes” land with a thud since the tone hasn’t been properly established.

Worst of all, there are never any meaningful stakes in the film. Adam is impervious to damage, something that would have been truly funny if commented upon, but instead is just treated as fact for no good reason. Skeletor is not intended to be a fearsome villain, as he often bumbles through scenes or line deliveries, but the lack of a truly terrible enemy keeps the story stuck in neutral. Combined with bloodless PG-13 fight scenes with no sense of realness to them, there is rarely anything about which to get excited.

Galitzine has turned heads as both a gay (Red, White & Royal Blue) and straight (The Idea of You) romantic interest, but he can never find his footing as the leading man here. The film never allows him to develop into a true action hero, so instead he comes across as a pretender most of the time. Mendes is okay, but she, too, isn’t given the opportunity to become much more than a sidekick. Idris Elba is entirely wasted as Teela’s father Duncan. Leto lets loose, which works because he’s the only character without a recognizable face.

There may be a world in which rebooting Masters of the Universe makes sense, but it does not exist when the film that is offered doesn’t even try to appeal to anyone who doesn’t have a deeply ingrained knowledge of the decades-old property. By relying on nostalgia instead of good filmmaking, the film may get good box office returns on opening weekend, but it’s difficult to imagine that it will endure.

---

Masters of the Universe opens in theaters on June 5.

movies film